Drunkendyslexic

Not the Favorite, Just Fucked Up

I am spoiled, not in the sense that I grew up having everything handed to me, but in the sense that make parents dote on me emotionally.  I have no doubt that I am their favorite child out of three. They make it seem that in their eyes I can do no wrong.  But it wasn’t always that way. I was never impressive as a child, not in the way that my parents wanted.  I sucked at sports, where both my…

I blacked out and came to in a state of euphoria. With my back against the door jam and my leg up on the counter, my mind gave up and I let my body experience the amazing feel of him inside of me.  Just as my legs were about to give in he had me over the kitchen table with my ass up in the air and my nipples pressed against the cold oak. At that moment the only thing I could comprehend was how…

It’s all just shit really, every part of it.  People may try to tell you that there are good things, or moments that make it all worth it, but that is no longer the norm.  Life, to most, is just shit.  When you fall within a certain economical and educational demographic, the reality is that life will only ever be as good as it is.  The majority of the blue collar class will never achieve…

I can’t actually tell you how I feel, and not because I can’t find the words, but because I am afraid they will be misconstrued. For some reason, still slightly unknown to me, I decided to enter into this situation, being fully aware of the facts and the situation. So where does this leave me, I know that I agreed and signed up for this, I knew that in no capacity could you ever be mine, really…

It’s the strangest feeling being torn between two completely opposite feelings, wanting and not wanting.  The deep human desire to be loved and the utter fear of anyone ever getting close enough to even try.  Every feeling and thought that has ever entered my consciousness has had a contradictory thought or feeling.  I can never fully commit to anything.  I am in constant limbo between right and…

I Never Wanted One

I grew up with two brothers, two very wonderful, bizarre, awkward, and in their own right loving brothers. Even as a very young girl I knew how fortunate I was to not only be the youngest child but to also be the only the girl in the family.  I was sitting pretty, in my life of the entitled, blonde ringlet-ed little girl, who always got her own room and never had to wear hand-me-downs. I never…

So here I sit, whisky in hand, watching the whole world fall apart.  I am not the only who sees it, feels it and lives it.  It’s all apart of of our lives now, whether we want it to be or not.  I don’t know how much more any one of us can take.  My heart is full of heaviness and hopelessness.   For the past two weeks I’ve gone about living my life, consumed with the harsh reality of having to…

Since I was 15 I have either been on a diet, in post diet downfall, or in pre diet binge phase. There are a lot of reasons for this constant need to lose weight, control, depression, spite, loneliness, just to name a few. For the last 17 years my weight has always been on the forefront of my mind, even more so than sex, which is saying a lot because I think about sex all the time. The only small…

I become genuinely heart broken and distraught when I get rejected by a guy I’ve slept with, even if it was just once. I have the tendency to believe that every man I sleep with is the one for me. I become infatuated and they consume my thoughts. On my long runs I’ll envision our lives together, and then, inevitable they reject me. It comes at all different points, sometimes early on, sometimes 6…

I have to laugh, there is really no other way. At the time I do cry, sometimes uncontrollably so, or it may just be a slow silent weep. But when it is over, and I’ve got some distance from whatever it was that made me cry I typically laugh. I’m not sure if it comes with my mentality to never keep a grudge but I tend to make a joke of it all, which may be way I keep getting myself into such absurd…

Life can be so funny sometimes. How is it possible that there are times where it seems like time may actually be moving backwards. And then there are other times when you see a cute guy one week, and then within a week his dick is in your mouth. It seems slightly exhilarated and yet with the current exposure to online dating it is becoming the norm.  I have been online dating on and off for over…

Once again I am back here, to this state of discomfort and unrest.  It seems as though there is a time limit to my complacency.   I can’t fathom how people do this, their whole lives, just stay in one place, do the same things, day after day after day.  I can’t seem to find the appeal, the desirer to never change, in my mind that is hell.   I have a tendency to blame my depression for everything…

I must be doing it all wrong. I can’t figure it out, I really can’t. No matter how hard I try, how far I go, how long I work, I’m still so very very unhappy. I must be missing a big fundamental part of being a human. It does not seem reasonable that no matter what I do, that feeling will always control me. Maybe not fully all of the time, but it’s always there in the background and then out of…

I want to tell you everything, everything that has ever happened to me, everyone that has ever hurt me. I want you to know it all. I really want you to know all of me. There is so much good, but also there is so much I try to burry. I try to hide so much of myself because I am so ashamed and regretful of who I once was. I’ve also felt that the way to get someone to love me was to completely deny…

An open letter to whomever is in control

Hello I was hoping to reach out to you in regards to some exciting new ideas I have.  I have been wanting to branch out for a long time in regards to my own life.  I want to be fully responsible for myself only…I no longer want to depend on anyone for anything.  I understand that this is near impossible in this day and age.  It is pretty impossible to be completely self-sufficient.  Especially if…

I have never been to delusion to realize that even though I grew up very poor, and often times in not the most ideal situations, that I was born into privilege.  Not the type of privilege that affords me a never ending trust fund, or even any inheritance, but the privilege to work hard and make a comfortable life for myself.   I clearly remember the day when it dawned on me that we were poor.  I…

On to the next one…or not.

All it took was one date for me to fall completely and with everyday that feeling grew into more, until I wanted to drug you and marry you.  Hell I liked you so much I would have gotten knocked up by you and I’ve never wanted children.  But then you left, I knew you were going to, you told me that from the get go.  Unfortunately that information did not stop me from getting entirely attached.…