Welcome, you are now in my mind.

I cannot believe how blind I was to the true version of you 

Love truly alters the mind

You caught me during a time when I did not love myself

Back then, I was so thankful to how someone so courageous and beautiful could be friends with me

I was stuck in that high school mentality

Silly me, to love you more than I did me (back then)

Once upon a time I would of let you keep hurting me if it meant to still be in your life

Until I woke up and noticed what it cost me

Second guessing my worth, because of your insecurities

How dare you treat me like I was your competition

How dare you question my love for you, my loyalty I gave you everything

Put you on a pedestal

Still it was not good for you

You would complain about the height, it was never high enough for you 

How dare you think you can keep me to yourself

Your love was toxic and obsessive, I never realized your envy

Like the day you saw where I moved to after the fire

You stood mesmerized in the kitchen, looking out of the balcony

Wishing for the same view for you..

While I just finished having a fire...

You were always a selfish bitch

How stupid of me to think you were evil to everyone else but me

You were always jealous of my light, it truly disturbed your darkness

No matter how hard you tried, you did not corrupt me to be like you

You could not wait to see if I would turn into a piece of shit of a human like you

How else can you explain all of the hurt that you cause, and in the same token you play victim

Newsflash, everyone goes through shit, suffers from something, had something bad happen to them!!

It is what you do with that pain that matters…

You always like spreading it like a plague

You have always been a misery loves company type of bitch

I take accountability for enabling your bullshit in fear of you taking your life

Because that is how much I loved you, that I took the burden of carrying all of your mistakes along with you

Instead of telling you about yourself, how many times you would ask me if you were a bad person

Now the answer is, just like I should have told you back then: YES BITCH YOU ARE.

It was always your choice to do so, because in reality you can always chose to BE DIFFERENT

But that scared you too much, so you would always cause pain first, in fear of being burned, yet you always lit the lighter first..

The small fire, would burn forests, and you would hide your hand, get rid of the lighter

I left

I never thought I would, but I did

That room screams depression and anxiety

Negativity fills it

Dark clouds consume it

Even if it’s sunny outside

In a house full of chaos, it gets hard to see the light

My days have never been brighter since I left

I actually feel happy

I am actually at peace

I feel in control

I used to be a cry baby

That term has always been used negatively

This world always seems to interpret things backwards

I wish I was a cry baby now

Crying is a sign of weakness

So many men can line up & share their stories of how this statement was beaten to them

Mentally and emotionally conditioned to them

I would probably be part of the few women who would be in that line

I wish I could go back to when I was a little girl and remember how it felt to express my emotions freely

Without this condemnatory cloud over me

My mother was always so careful with me

Making sure I didn’t fall

I remember the first time I fell

When she came to visit me, she nearly had a heart attack

My knee was bruised and she didn’t want me to be filled with scars

But I didn’t mind at all

I was always in the principal’s office with a scraped, bleeding knee

Product of recess

I was just a kid who played too roughly

I fell so many times that I became pro at not crying

The pain was familiar to me

If you look at my knees I have scars

I sometimes stare at them, to remind myself I once was a kid with no care in the world

I am proud of them

They represent my favorite childhood game, TAG

What happened to me?

Where did she go?

I keep yelling “TAG YOU’RE IT” to that little girl inside of me

But she’s just a no show

I know it’s my fault

She’s mad at me for playing a trick on her

You see I decided to play hide and seek with her

& I just left her alone

I have a short dress on, with a blazer

Nude heels to go along with it

The dress helps for when I move around my chair

Back and forth I go

If I rock hard enough, I might climax

I observe my eye candy

He’s such an attractive banker

I picture us taking lunch together and him fucking me senseless in the bathroom

He seems like the type to leave bruises, once he’s done with you

I want his hands all over me

Especially around my neck

As he’s deep inside of me

Staring at me with those eyes

That look he gives, leaves you frozen in time

I can only imagine how deep into my soul his gaze would go

If I was to look up with his cock in my mouth

I told myself I wouldn’t write about you

Especially after that day you asked me with a smile on your face

If I still did, & you chuckled

The satisfaction you had on your face

It irritated me

Knowing your ego is inflated

Due to my feelings

But I can’t help it

Its summer and I’m smoking black & milds again

Thinking about you everytime

Reminiscing on how good it felt with you

Missing you, incredibly

Wanting your body on mine

My true desire is for you to devour me

Leave me shredded in pieces 

Drowning in your saliva

Every time you say “let’s do it one more time”

The fire in my soul starts burning

My river starts overflowing

Our story shouldn’t have ended with so many what ifs

We should have happened

I refuse to give you my body

So, you get to satisfy your craving

While I get left wanting more

I used to hate myself.

I used to pour my entire being on to everyone else, to heal them.

But then my epiphany came and the little girl in my brain was tired of crying herself to sleep waiting for me to rescue her.

I stopped ignoring her, and started working on me, healing myself, trying to better myself each day I get to breathe.

Some may say I’m now selfish.

That I’m way too assertive.

I’m just no longer moving mountains for others when I don’t even create bridges for myself.

How can I help others without helping myself?

These empty hands are each day getting filled with appreciation towards myself.

Although I slip through the cracks sometimes...

I’ve always hated Mother’s Day

I don’t remember spending any with my mother

I sometimes wish my subconscious could release some of those happy memories I shared with her, when I was a kid.

I have Mommy issues

She left when I was about to need her the most

Due to circumstances

From her perspective, I try my hardest to understand

I remember her love for me being as deep as the untouched depths of the ocean

Yet it wasn’t strong enough to make her stay

I get that mental illness had a lot to do with it

Perhaps, that’s why I’m dedicating my life to it

She was left with no option, according to her

While I’m there waving my hands, and begging to be considered as one

I still remember the day she left, like it was yesterday

Everyone in that airport heard my screams, cries, my despair..

I didn’t grow up with her after a certain age

I had to be satisfied with just seeing her on Saturdays under supervision

While being raised by a grandmother who I had to beg to give me a hug on holidays, or birthdays

My mother was so affectionate

Her mother was the opposite

Maybe that’s why I need reassurance of how much I’m loved by those that claim they do

When your mother leaves, it creates a void that no one can fulfill

Not even the same mother that left you

Because the damage is done

You switch to survival mode

You become lost

Cold

Frightened

Alone

You become defensive

You don’t believe anyone that proclaims to care about you

If the woman whose body was once my home, is able to leave, please enlighten me how should I trust that you will stay?

As the words come out of your mouth

“I love you” “I’m not going anywhere”

I prepare for the worst

I always do and always will

As I’m typing this, the pain I feel internally feels overbearing

It gets exhausting to feel this

So I numb it

I repress it

I hide it in a empty room in my brain

I make sure to give it a straight jacket

The walls are soft

So when it tries to escape I don’t hear it

I put on my “I’m ok” mask

I go on about my day wishing I was a sub already

Wishing I could call my dom and tell him I need a beating

Sometimes a filter is needed.

In my case, it’s always.

But for the rest...

Before it’s too late

Always keep in mind to keep a filter with people

Some of them can’t handle you

Some of them can’t understand you

Not everyone has to like you.

You still must stay cautious with your actions

Eyes are still on you

Sometimes it’s not about what they think of you

But their perception

Others opinions shouldn’t matter

But they do

I need to learn to adapt

I need to learn to adapt

I need to learn to adapt

I need to learn to adapt

I need to learn to adapt

I need to learn to adapt

I need to learn to adapt

I need to learn to adapt

I need to learn to adapt

I need to learn to adapt

I need to learn to adapt

I need to learn to adapt

I need to learn to adapt

I need to learn to adapt

I need to learn to adapt

I need to learn to adapt

I need to learn to adapt

I wish I could go back in time

I was too impatient

I got too excited

I moved too fast

I should have taken things slow

I know that was a lot to deal with

We just finished doing something intimate

New

Dark

Exciting

I shouldn’t have said so much

I apologize for being too much

I wish I was aware of your thoughts

Are you scared of rejecting me?

I can handle it

Go ahead and confess it to me

That I am too big for you

As you were touching my body you couldn’t help but feel my cellulite

& you just don’t want to be a part of this bumpy road

I just wish you would tell me

Because telling me I don’t know what to say

Has my anxiety overthinking in many different ways

I for once had the balls to say what I wanted

This is exactly why I never do

I was afraid of someone not being able to tell me how they feel about what I’ve said

Because they don’t want to hurt my feelings

Just reject me

That’s better than nothing

I’m the type to hide but get mad if i don’t get “discovered”

As if I was some land you could conquer?

I’m not a property known for many to be able to handle

Not even me at times

I am a person just like you.

I’m “entitled” to freedom for I only exist

That’s my sole purpose

But sometimes existing feels like being tied down through every direction possible

To the tree on the corner

The mailbox to my right

Even to impossible things like the dark cloud over my head insinuating it’s going to rain

I want it to rain all over me

I want the water to come pouring down

So it can wash away these thoughts, pain, and memories

Perhaps take my depression with you

Let it go to the concrete and stay there so it can evaporate into thin air

So no one could be able to obtain it

I don’t want anyone to feel like this

Or see me like this

Or get infected with this

Sandra today I don’t want to gossip or conversate

Let’s lie down on the cold ground in silence

Don’t tell me about how great your life is

Or how bad it possibly could be

When you still have a family to go to once we’re done contemplating

As I stay on the ground

Cold

Alone

Hiding

Existing

For what purpose?

It seems absurd to me how people can judge others on their lack of experience

& correlate that to their “incapability to relate” to what they go through

Or the person they are

Because the person must have on these sunglasses

That makes them blind to any other lifestyle other than their own

They must carry around with labels and permanent markers in their pockets

Ready to slap it on someone’s forehead

The marker leaks through and it’s the type to not come off with water and soap

That’s what an inexperienced person must be

Too often they get put in their label-less label

Immediately doors close for them

Because they don’t possess the keys others have

As if the doors didn’t exist for everyone

Why must someone have to go through it for someone to recognize them?

Isn’t it enough to see the label-less observe the “normal” ones with admiration?

Always on the sides with nothing but their shades on

Taking it off occasionally, just to try

I daydream about a romantic evening with the man I love

He proposes to me in a very private way

I stare at my left hand, loving the ring he gave me

I am about to finish my masters

It’s Christmas eve and my family and his are together

It turns 12:00am and I come over to him with a bow over my belly

He looks into my eyes and I tell him Merry Christmas

He’s confused, and I finally say the words

I’m pregnant

He picks me up and we both start crying

Our families are cheering

I’m just in bliss

Finally feeling like I’ve made it

With my hands soon about to be holding another diploma and a baby

As the love of my life extends his arms and holds me and everything is in place

I come back from my daydream and I’m faced with reality

Loneliness is killing me

I want to experience being kissed all over my body

I want to be held as I fall asleep in someone’s arms

I want to go on dinner dates

I want someone to talk to about my day every day

I want love

The love I deserve

The love I’ve never had and I’m not sure if I ever will

They “overcome” their issues with

A cigarette

A blunt

A pill

A drink

Even if the price is seconds, minutes, hours of their lives

Using a substance to numb the pain doesn’t make it go away

It will NEVER go away!!!!!

You must LEARN to cope with it

Reality is inevitable

You’re a reminder of what could have been

You’re a reminder of how stupid I can be

You reach out for my hand and as I’m about to hold yours, you slip away and still manage to stay balanced because you’re holding hers

Again I am left empty handed

I walk away not even putting up a fight because as long as you don’t hit the ground I’ll be alright

It hurts to watch the person you love, love someone else

Especially when they love them, the way you wanted to be felt

I don’t know if I can do this anymore

Some days are harder than others

When I’m with you I’m just happy

But even in euphoria, negative feelings surface

I’m reminded time to time again that you didn’t choose me

You don’t love me

You are just “my friend”

You are just my friend

You are just my friend...

Maybe if I repeat it to myself enough

Being in your house is torture

As I sit in your couch I am reminded of when you had me in all fours

Looking at your living room and seeing remnants of her everywhere kills my soul

The fact you have two cats in your house when you dislike them

How there is flowers on the table where there never has been any before

How you have a purple mirror

All small things that comes to the realization that you gave her everything I wanted

It was supposed to be me never her

How can you hint to me that I will get the cookie from the cookie jar but you end up giving me crumbs?

Where the fuck did I go wrong?

Fucking tell me

Because it still kills me

I still think about it

It still hurts me

I still love you

I still want you

I still think about those supermarket runs we did that we enjoyed so much

You go ahead and tell me you can’t enjoy those with her

All these fucking restrictions you have with her

All I gave you was freedom, how was I wrong?

PLEASE TELL ME WHERE DID I GO WRONG?

What did I do?