cj.

She wants to kill people because like she’s bored and lonely. That’s genuinely it. And she sees no real irony or falsehood in her becoming a gun control activist because it’s as genuine as the first thing.

She really does seem to be immediately past that. She’s over it. It wasn’t about hurting people, it was about looking cool and having an impact on others. Being an activist fills the same role in her life.

It’s still terrifying that it was that close. As Charlie points out, if there are thousands of mass shootings a year, how many people in this country are there who wanted to or almost did but didn’t go through with it? No one at her school knew, except, like, didn’t they?

Everyone who grew up in the age of mass school shootings felt like it could be them next, any day, any time, maybe anyone. It became baked into our routines and casual consciousness. It’s all just happenstance that it wasn’t us, specifically. It’s pure luck.

Karina Kalina

'La Danse du Feu' but it's Fabian Seacaster

my piece for @/charlililart and @/voxphantasma's "Mirror Image II" zine for the d20 zine jam !!

supporting Kristen in her presidential campaign and cheering on her many attempts at forming religion. making sure her god is taken care of, helping her check in on her siblings and hyping her up when she wanted to get with Gertie or Tracker.

encouraging Fig in her in her ideas and impersonations, going along seamlessly and covering for her or letting her have the space to have her fun. Going to her band's concerts, helping her in her collection of parental figures and helping her get with Ayda.

Adaine being reassured about her panic attacks, praised for her researching skills and being taken in after her house burnt down, instantly. Fabian dancing Adaine's battle for her to make sure she got paid, and all of them stopping at nothing to get her back after her abduction to Fallinel.

Riz going from "school nerd" to one of the coolest kids in town. being carried around, hyped up and praised endlessly for his incredible stealth and investigation skills. him taking stress tokens for his friends and them checking in on him, listening to his theories and supporting him in his fears of Kalina, of Baron.

Gorgug struggling with his size, his relationship to rage, and them showing him they're not scared and how much of a powerhouse he is. immediately supporting him in his decision to multiclass into artificing, encouraging him to get with Zelda and later Mary Ann, and being okay with him dropping Owlbears to get some more peace of mind.

Fabian having issues with his identity as a Seacaster, with how much it means to him and how he wants to be more than that, and his friends telling him "like, get over it." Fabian being told he can't be depressed or down because he needs to be useful and his life rules too much. Fabian being left alone in a mansion with an allowance instead of love, and his friends making jokes about it. forcing him into dealing with rats despite him telling them to stop.

Fabian makes jokes, and doesn't show vulnerability — how could he, when every single time he has he got his skull cracked into the floor by his father or got challenged to a duel by his mother or got physically hurt and yelled at by his friends. by his friends' parents.

and the kids fall for his jokes again and again and never take him seriously, laugh away his fears and say they're jealous of him having a house to himself. they curse him when Gertie swears at him and turn their Moonar Yulenear gifting into a joke when it's his turn.

he doesn't show vulnerability because he hasn't been allowed to, and that feeds into the cycle where his friends stop considering his feelings and traumas because he never mentions them, never shows them how much it truly affects them, and it's a system that never stops until someone breaks it and lends him a hand. shows him a kindness he hasn't had.

Fabian's down in the dumps. he narrowly escaped death by illithid pirate captain, then death by dumped-in-the-ocean-by-Kalina, and is ill with two levels of exhaustion, actually admits that he's scared and is hurt.

it's not a joke. Brennan gives him Ragh to talk to and to keep him company, gives him Cathilda to try and soothe him (even if that brings him up to two exhaustion levels instead of just the one he previously had) and shows him kindness.

then the Bad Kids show up, the Intrepid Heroes, and they tear into him, kick him while he's already down. they make jokes about Chungledown Bim while Fabian's obviously distressed and terrified. he tells them that Whitclaw killed numerous of his siblings and nearly killed him, and Adaine's first concern is whether Alistair is dead. no one else responds to that.

Fabian admits insecurity about his legacy and not being his own person, and Kristen slaps him. she tells him that the Bad Kids need him, and compares his behaviour to Gilear's, telling him it's a mistake to bring Gilear along and implying that bringing Fabian is a mistake too unless he manages to make himself useful to them again. Fig and Kristen joke about casting a spell on Fabian to stop him from feeling this way so he goes back to being useful.

Brennan steps in with Tracker ("You see Tracker looks at you and goes, "Jesus.""), and lets the others do a bit, before stepping in again with Tracker and having her try to defuse the situation. has her say that Fabian might be struggling and that they shouldn't yell at him.

Adaine immediately cuts in and says Fabian can't be depressed, it's just one vaguely mediocre day. Riz adds that Fabian's life "rules 95% of the time." Fabian says he watched 14 men die on his orders, and Kristen reiterates it's just one bad day.

Brennan has Tracker step in again, and say "We might be catching this at the beginning of this process." Adaine resumes to make a joke about calling Chungledown Bim. Gorgug says they're going to fix the situation with or without Fabian. Riz says Fabian got hurt because he went off without his friends, and instead with a "bunch of randos". The kids move on in the conversation.

Then Brennan steps in again, with Cathilda, who is besides Tracker the only one in this circle to offer a kind word. To attempt to help or support him. To make him feel better.

Five co-players. Five other people in the circle, watching their sixth friend play a distressed character and yes, he makes it funny, and yes there's silly names and Lou is an incredible storyteller, but I think there was definitely a mistake made in that the only person to see the situation for what it is and step in with support, is the DM.

Cathilda vows to protect Fabian, makes him feel better and helps him, and immediately Kristen tries to hold Cathilda's hand and says she's hot. It's back to being a joke.

This is a common trend in how Fabian's issues are treated throughout the series, but I think it's the first time we see it so blatantly and it's set the tone for the remainder of the season and especially for Junior Year.

Fabian's issues are jokes to laugh about. Lou makes it funny, and thus we joke around the fact that there's a teenager abandoned by his caregivers, unable to maintain his house, incredibly lonely and pressured and torn by expectations, and only ever laughed at. punished for showing vulnerability. hell, his friends even team up against him and cast spells on him in support of someone they just met simply because they decided he was rude.

Fabian being cornered to talk about his experience and talking about his insecurities, "—Honestly I probably have one follower who's running around, he's not even mine, he's my father's, just like everything else I have," and "He's just going to murder all of you, and I'm going to feel awful—" and Kristen interrupting by slapping him.

Fabian being hurt and sick and upset, slapped by one of his closest friend for verbalising his despair while the rest of their group watches, and being told by Kristen "Fabian Aramais Seacaster, we need you, okay. We brought one Gilear, we made that mistake, we did not mean to bring two."

the first action after this being Fig, scrambling to cast Suggestion on Gilear to tell him to believe in himself because "a lot of mean stuff is being said." Kristen saying she needs to direct that at Fabian.

just. imagining being so out of your mind scared, vulnerable, unwell, being cornered to talk and watching your friends debate casting a spell on you just so you stop having your feelings and can go back to being of use to them. being physically hurt for being mentally scrambled. knowing Adaine's panic attacks were treated with grace and understanding but being pushed beyond your capabilities when it's you being terrified.

airing your insecurities of being tied to your father's name and fearing that the only reason you are here, that you have friends, the thing that makes you worth anything is being your father's son. having Adaine say "That's the least likable thing about you." having Riz say "It's pretty insufferable sometimes." having Fig say "Yeah, it's kinda like get over it, you know." knowing it's the one thing that you announce yourself with, that matters to you more than anything in the world, regardless of whether it's good or bad.

having your friend's werewolf girlfriend, who is an acquaintance of yours at best, be the first and only one in this circle to offer up a kind word, suggesting it's bad to shout at a depressed person, and hearing it be dismissed instantly by your best friends saying you can't be depressed because that's a long-term thing, and that your life rules 95% of the time. that your friends justify their yelling at you because you've only had "one bad day." a "vaguely mediocre day," even.

hearing your friends blame you for going off on your own, and tell you that that's why you got hurt. it's your own fault for having rando's instead of your friends.

knowing that, should he ever be ill, or scared, or hurt again in the future, there will be no compassion, from either his party members or anyone else. knowing all that is in his future is being slapped, or having his experiences downplayed, or instead your least likeable characteristics being brought up. no one will extend a kind hand because they've determined on their own that your life is too good for you to be sad about it.

Sometimes you need Ayda Aguefort.

'i've never done this as myself before'