Reflections, as if in a mirror.
It's been awhile since I've last posted.
Not a whole lot has happened for me personally. I've been working a decent job with okay pay, paying bills, seeing my girlfriend, talking to friends. The run of the mill adult stuff.
I recently found the clinical notes for my '23 hospital stay and saw my father and youngest brother for the first time in 4 years. It's made me a bit... somber. I don't know. After everything that's happened in my life, it's odd to be where I am. Broken dreams, people, days I decided not to end it. Like the eye of a hurricane.
There's a weird nostalgia for the hell years. More specifically, the people. I was lucky enough to know a handful of humans during that time that were quite unique. They left impressions, and they're gone now. Whether by drifting apart, bad falling-outs, or death, they're not in my life anymore. No one I regularly speak to has known me for all that long. Everything that has happened and past now just exists in memory slowly fading out.
It could've all never happened, and a lot of it definitely shouldn't have. There were a lot of mistakes and agony on multiple sides. I was blind and drowning, thrashing, catching a hold on anything I could. And now I'm on land. There's a strange haunting to it. It feels as if a part of me has been buried alive, and no one will ever know me fully. Just a ghostly wanderer, insides scooped out to save the shell. I don't write or play music or sing. I don't dive into the abyss fishing for answers.
If this is what it all amounted to, why did it happen? I've lost so much along the way. It was hell, but I wanted to do more while I was there.
