Little /bit Of /Everything

you almost say seven but the answer floats in your lungs like rising mud. you shift your shoulders. some part of you is already forming an excuse. that it’s not that bad sometimes. one, two, three on a day that the clouds are out. you’re just complaining about stuff. yesterday you laughed past a brick of a four, does that make the brick come down to a two-point-five.  the solid seven panic attack of last tuesday feels somehow like a little thorn, just a regular day full of a gentle three-point-nine earthquake rocking after yesterday’s close-to-an-eight. see but if tomorrow you have a real bad day, it will make today look simple.

and what if. what if tomorrow it’s a big old red eight-point-nine. like one of those days where sirens are going off in every part of you but you’re stuck behind a glass window watching it all burn down. like one of those days that your skin against the air feels foreign. like too much of everything. like sitting-in-the-shower, like can’t-eat, like the tide isn’t just coming in, it came while you were sleeping and now you’ve gotta learn how to swim. like bounce me against a bullet hole kind of day.

you keep numbers like nine and ten way out of reach. those are for the people who really are suffering. you’ve got no excuse. nine and ten are funeral numbers, for real problems, not yours, no. and sometimes you’re fine. and you’re kind of used to it. and it’s not sad, it’s just numb like a television caught on static. numb like i can’t remember if i care about this. numb like nothing works but i can’t be bothered to fix it. that’s not sad that’s every day stuff. everybody feels like this, right? feels like they’ve been shut off. right.  

maybe five. right in the middle. like not gonna shoot myself but i’m not wasting your time. a nonanswer. like could be worse could be better. like i need help but i don’t want you to worry even though i need someone to worry about me because i can’t worry about myself. maybe five. but what if five is too small. what if five is too big. what if -

if you’re reading this post you’re already off to a wonderful start with helping your borderline friends! it can be hard for us to admit we need specialized attention, and you going out of your way to learn how to help us is amazing. here are some simple things you can do for us (and the reasoning behind them)

•enthusiasm! borderlines have very black & white thinking, meaning if we aren’t positive you’re happy with us we will assume you are angry. really simple things like exclamation points and smiles can go a long way!

•let us know when you’re going to be hard to reach! this one is pretty self explanatory, and if you’ve read any other post of this sort i’m sure you’ve seen this, but it’s important! we are terribly scared of you abandoning us so let us know that you aren’t and that you’re just busy. (we’re kinda like those dogs that freak out and destroy the house when their owner leaves because they think they’ve been abandoned)

•reassurance! we will rarely come out and ask for this one out of fear of being labeled a “manipulative borderline,,” but if you take anything from this post it’s that your bpd friends need to be reassured that you care about us as much as possible. we usually lack emotional permanance which makes it hard for us to believe you still love us, even if you told us a few days- or hours- before.

•don’t get angry over our impulsive behavior! if we aren’t getting the attention that we’re desperate for, us borderlines will most likely do an “attention seeking” and often self destructive action in order to gain attention. you should definetly express your concerns and etc. over the behavior, but please don’t act angry. that will often lead to more impulsive thoughts on our part

•don’t show annoyance over us apologizing a lot! we constantly feel like a burden since we can’t handle things “"normally”“ this will lead us to apologize constantly (and apologize for apologizing) please just tell us it’s alright or that we don’t need to worry about it.

•if we start acting cold, don’t stress about it! this one is more for the friends or fps of us borderlines. a lot of us do what is called “splitting” where we will swap from idolizing you to hating you very abruptly. it is completely temporary!! we still love you!!

•compliment our appearance! complimenting our personalities can be tricky, since we have such a hard time thinking for ourselves. a lot of people with bpd are obsessed with their appearance and changing it, so compliment us occasionally!

•random affection! people with bpd are usually so worried that they are manipulating affection out of people. you telling us sweet or reassuring things without us initiating it is appreciated beyond belief. keep in mind we frequently don’t know how to react to things, but i promise we will be so happy.