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@bpdvillain
too much. too much. too much. too much. too much. too much. too much. too much. too much. too much. too much. too much. too much. too much. too much.
I think too much. I say too much. I feel too much. I eat too much. Everything is just too much lately.
I just want to shrink myself into a ball and not be seen.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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having c-ptsd be like: *dissociates* *feels a breakdown nearing* *tries to distract* *procrastinates* *breaks down so bad you can’t move afterwards* *has a nightmare* *wakes up in cold sweat and crying* *stays in bed all day but still exhausted and everything hurts* *worries about future* *gets triggered* *can’t figure out if something bad is happening right now or all the stress is from the past* *has intrusive thoughts that induce guilt* *gets anxiety attack* *they’re coming they’re coming* *has a flashback* *considers telling someone and decides it’s too much to handle* *isolates* *considers self harm* *just let me get thru these next few hours*
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
this is a survey : like/reblog if you ever tried to, or straight up slept on the floor as a kid, because you felt like you didn’t deserve a bed, pillow or covers (even once counts!)
I shouldn’t have to even say it, but, that is NOT NORMAL, that is extreme and I wanna scream for all of you who were put thru that, we’re living in the world where adults manage to brainwash children into thinking BEDS are too good for them. What the fuck. All children deserve basic comfort. No matter what.
Even if there was no penetration
Even if they were younger than you
Even if they were physically weaker than you
Even if you wanted to do it at first
Even if you can’t remember every detail
Even if they were “family”
Even if they were in a relationship with you
Even if you trusted them
Even if it only happened once
Even if they had a mental illness
Even if they were also a child
It was abuse
You have every right to be mad or traumatized
growing up lonely gave me brain damage
trauma nightmares are exhausting. it doesn’t matter if you relive your actual experiences in those dreams or if your brain creates a different scenario based on your fears and emotions, they are always heavy, suffocating, pressing the air from your lungs. you’ll wake up feeling tired, like you haven’t slept at all, like you’ve been running in fear all night. you might find it hard to escape the dream, feel truly awake, it might linger over you and make you lose your sense of reality all day. it’s okay for you to take a break on those days. you went through and are reeling from a symptom of the aftermath of trauma. you’re mentally unwell and need to take care of yourself to recover from the nightmares. you’re not weak or stupid for reacting to them so strongly, they’re not “just dreams”, dreams are your brain’s way of working through what’s gnawing at you and they can be extremely scary and emotional. you deserve to take the time you need to get over a trauma nightmare, you deserve to take it seriously and talk about it to someone who understands. your emotions are real and they make sense in the context of your trauma. don’t belittle yourself for reacting strongly to a dream.
Growing up neglected can mean you don’t feel like you get to be picky about who gives you attention or what kind of attention you even get, you cling onto anyone who acknowledges your existence and it can end up so painful
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
I’m so pissed that while we’re abused we completely disregard the neglect. We don’t even think of being upset that our parents haven’t noticed our depression, us starving ourselves or cutting ourselves, that we lost all desire to live and exist, we’re just fucking grateful they don’t scream at us or beat us for every living moment and that we’re sometimes allowed to eat!
It’s not normal, it’s not fucking normal for parents to fail to pay attention to their kid to the point where they have no clue if their kid is eating properly, or struggling in school, or having a devastating experience with a friend or crying their heart out from a broken heart. It’s not normal for parents to ignore or not notice when the child is sick, when they’re missing supplies and resources, when they need someone to talk to them and reassure them that everything’s okay! It’s not normal to not have frequent conversations to verify that the child is doing well! Neglect is still abuse!
Neglect will still result in you failing to care for yourself, thinking that eating isn’t important and health isn’t something that matters and that you feeling absolutely miserable is just normal state of things and that you don’t deserve to get attention and support in those times!
I learned that being absolutely neglected was a bliss and something to aspire for because that was the least abusive my parents ever got! It was all i had to be shut down in my room living in my head! I learned to be grateful for nobody paying attention to me because the alternative was being yelled at and humiliated and hit and forced into labour against my will! Meanwhile I didn’t learn to ask for medicine or help or support and instead kept breaking down, on my own, alone, all the time, thinking “that’s life”. No it isn’t! Fuck neglect and fuck abusers for getting away with it! Neglected children do not grow up happy and fulfilled and nobody should be okay with this.
Being neglected by abusive parents feels safe, because it means they’re not actively yelling at you, blaming you for existing, making you feel like shit because you cost money, or beating you. It gives you some space to feel like maybe they’re okay with your existence today, maybe now you can go and build some confidence and live your life, until their next outburst of hatred. So what if you’re going thru crisis and lack survival resources that day, what if you’re feeling lost and dissociated and worried about your future, at least you’re not burdening anyone with that, at least nobody is blaming you for what you’re going thru right now.
The after-effects of being neglected will show after you grow up, and you’re painfully aware that nobody is ever responsible for making you feel okay, for taking care of you, for making sure you’re not in pain. Because nobody ever did care for any of that, and it’s unlikely they’ll ever start caring. So you don’t reach out, you don’t ask for help, you curl up and wait for pain to pass and blame it on yourself that you’re feeling it. You never realize that for vast majority of your life, there were people responsible for making sure you’re not in pain, that you feel safe and have every support you need; your parents. You don’t realize they skipped out on that responsibility because you’re busy being aware of how much worse they could have been to you, and all you can do is try to heal the damage they’ve already done to you.
Being neglected can make you neglect yourself, because you’ve never been taught that you are someone who is supposed to be nurtured and taken care of. It can mean eating disorders, self-destructive habits, punishing yourself for struggling, feeling like you’re not allowed to have comfort or company, building the hardest possible life for yourself and blaming yourself for being weak if you’re not able to do it all perfectly. It can mean tolerating friends and partners who also neglect you, and not even notice they should be paying attention and caring for what you’re going thru. It means never believing that things will be alright, because nobody is coming to help, nobody is going to fix anything, unless you do it yourself, alone. And there’s things we can’t fix alone. You are forced to emotionally survive on your own, even though humans aren’t meant to.
Someone should have prevented this happening to you. Someone should have seen you suffering as a kid, and protected you, shown you that this is unacceptable, you haven’t deserved it, and you are to be nurtured and cared for, until you can relax and know that there’s love for you in this world.
Abusive parents are always completely unobservant and ungrateful for their most kind, hardworking and responsible children. You all should have been noticed and praised for all the work you did. Every time you handled a problem on your own, that’s extraordinary work right there that shouldn’t have even been on you, and yet you handled it because you had to, and no one even acknowledged it. Every time you’ve done a chore for the sake of not upsetting parents, every time you willingly chose to be a buffer between your parents, or parents and other people, you’ve been doing hard sacrificing work, you damaged your own self-worth in process, and nobody even noticed.
You should have been seen, you should have been comforted, and told that you did more than should have been expected of you. Every time you swallowed your emotions and pretended everything was fine, every time you tried to make things better for your abusers and they showed zero gratitude and took it for granted, every time you went thru most painful and devastating moments of your life alone and unseen and unheard, you should have been seen and heard. You should have been comforted. Even more, you should have been cherished, your sacrifices appreciated and then made up to you, you should have been fretted over, lifted up, gushed up and made feel like you were the center of someone’s world, like what you’re going thru is someone’s first priority.
Here’s to all of you. I know you’ve suffered. I know you’ve been scared. I know you’ve worked hard. I know you spent days in pain and neglect in return. I know you felt like nothing you do was ever good enough. I know you no longer expect to be heard or seen. I know you buried it all inside. I see you. You deserved to be seen every moment of it.
me as a kid: eats irregularly, gets stressed, scared and depressed every day of the week, gets eaten up by anxiety, dissociates for weeks, has crazy dangerous ideas of how to cope, self harms, gets abused by toxic friends, falls into obsessions to have meaning in life
my parents: literally do not notice a single thing
me: neglected? me? excuse me but I am ToughTM and do not REQUIRE ATTENTION
it be like that
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
psa if you relapsed
Take a deep breath. It’s going to be okay.
Just because you had one setback doesn’t mean your efforts are ruined. Recovery is not linear. Today is a new day.
You’re still worthy of love and respect.
Remember: you’re amazing for even attempting recovery, no matter how difficult it might be.
