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You woke up gasping for air, throwing yourself into a sitting position.

That dream again. 

You struggled to remember the details. Every night the same, you’d wake up with the smell of salt in your nose and the sensation of crushing weight on all sides. You fought to recall what you dreamt, what could’ve possibly caused such a visceral feeling of unease, but it was like chasing the tide. 

The only sound in your room was the beating of your own heart and the thrum of your desktop fan, whirring weakly in a losing battle against the stuffiness of your room. Pressing your hand to your clammy forehead, you let yourself fall back into the damp sheets beneath you with a long suffering moan. Your alarm clock told you it was much too early to be awake. Unfortunately, you knew from experience you wouldn’t find sleep again today. 

You traced the cracked ceiling with aching eyes, feeling the weight of your fatigue deep in every pore. You imagined yourself much like the alabaster ceiling, a girl - fragmented. Slowly, the fissures in your ceiling, which had started very small, almost unnoticeable, had widened, had crawled, and now filled even the peripherals of your vision. 

Like a pane of shattered glass. 

You crinkled your eyes shut tightly and groaned. Every night you traversed this slippery slope. It always began with the dark presence of your dream, quickly moved to the bisected ceiling, and finally moved to the self delusion, the idea that you were somehow a mirror of your surroundings. You huffed a breath through your nose and tried to picture what Remus would say if you told him this idea. 

You’re you, dove. You’re a person, and you’re real, and the ceiling really doesn’t matter. 

Remus never took anything beyond the surface level, and it was something you loved about him. 

But Remus, you’d say, don’t you get it? It’s cracked because it’s my ceiling. 

And he’d pet your head so softly and say, No. it’s just cracked. 

The idea that your surroundings were a mirror plagued you deeply and perturbed your boyfriend only slightly. And now the damp sheets around you, what did they mean? 

You struggled from the clawed hands of your mattress and into the dimly lit kitchen, squinting at the street light outside through the open window blinds. It’s yellow light aged your hands, and when you poured yourself a glass of water you didn’t recognise them. You set the glass which was swathed in condensation aside on your hard wood table and frowned at the rivulets that fell and soaked into the grain. You could hear Remus’ voice in your head. Use a coaster. 

Tables are for dishes, Remus. 

Right, but if you take care of something, it’ll last longer. 

You made to pick the glass up and find something to lay underneath it when it fell from your grasp, bounced on the wood and sprayed frigid water across the length of mahogany and down your front. You blinked a droplet from your eyelashes and listened to the water pitter to the floor, counted the sound until the time between each was so long you thought the river had finally run dry. No such luck. 

The cold on your face reminded you of your dream. If only you could remember what it had been about. 

You had the sudden and all-encompassing realisation of worthlessness. You couldn’t even get yourself a drink of water without messing it up. You didn’t take care of your things. You didn’t take care of yourself. It was so early and you were so tired and now you were mildly damp and moderately distressed. How childish the pipeline seemed, a small inconvenience felt like catastrophe these days, each incremental weight added to the scales proving to tip you further and further downward.

You wondered after the bleach in your kitchen cupboard. How much bleach would you need to drink to die? And the knives in the knife block, were they sharp enough to do any real damage? And what about your medicine cabinet, was anything in there potent enough to end your life?

Remus’ belt was still in your bedroom. 

You sighed very heavily and put your face down against the wood, letting the puddle soak into your hair and your skin. What silly fantasies to have, you thought. And still your hands itched. 

If Remus could see the state you were in he’d be terribly upset, you thought. If you did anything worse, he’d be furious. You wallowed for a few minutes more and then gathered your bravery to take the telephone from its hook and dial his number. When he didn’t answer you tried a second time. 

“Yeah?” his voice said, familiar even through the line, edged in sleep.

“Remus,” you said. You paused to wet your lips. 

“Doll? What time is it?”

“I’m not sure.”

There was a small silence. “Bad dream?”

“Can I come over?” you asked in ways of answering.

“Course you can. Do you want me to come and get you?”

You breathed a sigh of relief and let your head rest against the wall. “No, that’s okay. I’m sorry to wake you up.”

“I’m not. I missed your voice.”

You glanced over your shoulder at the spilled drink and smiled for the first time in a while. “I missed yours.”

“Get over here.”

“Right. See you in a few.”

“I’ll unlock the door.”

“Okay,” you said, word warped with fondness and the inklings of oncoming tears. 

What he heard he didn’t like. “Are you sure I can’t come and get you?”

“I’ll be fine. There before you know it.”

“…Alright. Come quick, sweetheart.”

The walk to his flat was peaceful and cold. You let yourself in through the building's creaky front door, permanently broken to be unlocked, and stepped up flights of plain stairs to his front door. 

It was open like he’d promised. You entered as quietly as you could and toed your shoes off, throwing your coat over the back of his sofa as you walked through and found him half sleeping in bed. He perked up at the sight of you standing in his doorway, moving the quilt so you could wiggle in close to his side. 

His arm came around your side, his lips graced the skin of your forehead. 

“You’re freezing!” he exclaimed in a whisper. 

You laughed under your breath and whispered back, “It’s cold out!”

“Should’ve let me pick you up.”

“And have you drive like this? You can barely speak.”

“Cold would’ve woke me up.”

“Yeah?” you asked, spitefully pressing the backs of your cold hands into his side. He flinched away from you and grumbled his indignation before taking his revenge, pinching at your sides until you were laughing, squirming away from his ticklish endeavours. 

Your laughs slowly turned gasping, falling away until you were crying dribbling tears down the sides of your face. Remus’ own giggles turned to gentle shushing sounds, like shifting silt on the riverbank. 

“You’re okay,” he said quietly, words half-smothered where his mouth rested at your temple, arm wrapped fiercely around the back of your shoulders so you were held closely to his chest.

“Sorry. I can’t remember why I’m crying,” you told him. 

“No?”

You shook your head.

“Don’t be sorry for crying. It’s good for you.”

You cried against his soft sleep shirt for a while, hands digging into his skin. If he minded he didn’t say. 

“Have you… been having those thoughts again?” he asked. 

“Yeah,” you admitted, nose buried in his side.

He squeezed you from his side and up onto his chest, hugging you. “Thanks for calling me. My brave girl.”

“I’m a coward.”

“I’m not sure why you’d think so,” he said. 

Remus liked to do this thing when he knew you were hurting, in the way he held you close. His hands were firm, like he was squeezing all the pain from you in waves. It almost worked. 

“You’re so pretty. Oh, pretty girl,” he murmured into your hair. “You’re so kind. You know that?”

“Remus, you don’t have to.”

“I do. Let me, okay? You’re my favourite girl. You’re my favourite person on this whole planet. All I want is for you to see yourself like I do, see how lovely you are.”

"I don't feel very lovely," you said. 

He slowly began to shift you from side to side, like a waltz with no music. "You are, I swear on my life.

"Inside and out. I'd miss you so much, I know it's selfish of me to say it. I'd miss you like I'd miss my hands, should they miraculously fall off," he said, good humour colouring the second half. You laughed if only because he wanted you to. 

"I'd miss you like the earth misses the moon, I should think. Like a part of me had been stricken from my body, thrown somewhere I couldn't reach."

It was kind. It was cruel, in a way, because although you loved him and felt the weight of his words, your hands still itched for the heavy handle of a kitchen knife. You tightened your hands around him and sighed in pain. 

"I'm so sorry," you told him. A confessional. 

"I know," he kissed your forehead, "I don't want you to be."

"I'm sorry."

"You want to tell me why?"

You couldn't describe it if you wanted to. He nodded. 

“Take our cocks, puppy, that’s it.” Sirius growls, arms wrapped around your middle and holding your balmy form to his, your breasts pressed against his chest as he drives into your pussy. Remus is moving forward slowly, entering your ass and providing that delicious stretch as he pushes himself inside you, a thin wall of flesh separating his cock from Sirius’s.

It feels good at first, but as Remus pushes in Sirius grows impatient, and he reaches out to grip the boy’s hips, yanking him forward and sheathing him inside you in one foul swoop. You cry out at the red hot pain searing in your ass, hands grappling at Sirius’s shoulders desperately, eyes screwed shut tight.

“That’s better- fuck, don’t waste our fucking time, Moony.” Sirius grits out, relishing in the tight, clenching walls of your cunt around him.

“Fucking hell, Sirius, ‘m not trying to tear the poor thing in half.” Remus quips, voice tight with pleasure. You’re breathless- panting as you try to adjust to the intrusion, desperate to be good for the two boys. You’re getting there, the pain is dissipating and your breathing slowing, your panicked mind calming as the boys sit motionless within you.

Then Sirius moves- a deep, quick snap of his hips that, while hurts, would be almost bearable were it not followed by the same motion from Remus. Remus thrusts his cock once and unendurable pain shoots through you, knocking the air from your lungs as you dig your nails into Sirius’s shoulders hard. You need this to stop, but you can hardly suck in a breath, let alone speak.

“Fuck, puppy, ease up your grip-“

“Red-“ you choke out as soon as you have the air necessary to do so, voice broken. “Red, red, red” you repeat the words like a mantra, eyes squeezed shut as you hold onto Sirius tight.

You feel hands on your hips, hear Remus cooing “shh, gonna pull out, nice and slow.” You hiss as his cock slides out from you, Sirius’s following soon after. “Fuck bunny, ‘m so sorry” Remus murmurs in response to the pained sound, large hands running up and down your sides in an attempt to soothe you. You’re sobbing softly into Sirius, slightly fuzzy mind reeling from the pain and swimming with thoughts that you’ve disappointed them, failed them, that you weren’t good for them.

“Puppy, hey, what’s the matter? Where does it hurt, y/n, where does it hurt?” Sirius asks, the words coming out in a desperate rush, anxious to know what the problem is. His hand rubs soothing circles between your shoulder blades, chest moving unsteadily beneath you as his breathing fluctuates with his growing nerves. All you can do is shake your head, too choked up to form a verbal response.

“Bunny, hey, you’ve gotta talk to us. Talk to me, my love.” Remus murmurs, moving around from the foot of the bed to its side so he can bend down for a better look at your visage.

When his freckled face comes into view, brows furrowed with concern, his image blurred by the tears welled in your eyes, you whimper out a weak “Remmy”, letting go of Sirius in favor of holding your arms out to the taller boy.

“Hi, baby” Remus coos as he hooks his hands under your armpits, pulling you up and gathering you in his arms against his firm chest. You hide your face in the crook of his neck as you sob, fingers curling around his sides weakly, finding some solace in his warmth and familiar scent. His large hand splays over your back, rubbing soothingly, and he folds a lanky leg under his bum as he sits on the bed beside Sirius, who is now sitting up against the headboard.

Remus rocks slightly as he holds you, anxiety growing within both boys as they remain unaware of what ails you, trying to calm you enough to explain it to them.

“Puppy, please, what’s wrong? What happened?” Sirius quickly tries again. He leans into Remus’s side, craning his neck to try to sneak a peek at your visage, which is still burrowed in Remus’s shoulder.

“H-hurt” is all you can manage to stutter out, words choked as you cry, feeling overwhelmed by emotions in your delicate headspace.

“Does it still hurt, doll? Does it still hurt, or are ya just scared?” Remus murmurs, desperate to get as many details as he can so he can help you as much as possible.

“Scared- ‘m sorry, tried to be good, it just hurt so bad and I couldn’t- I had to- ‘m sorry” the words come out in an agitated rush with how desperate you are to express your guilt to your two doms. Both boys’ hearts quite nearly shatter at the utterance of the apology, the thought that you have any reason to apologize never having so much as fleetingly crossed their minds.

“Puppy, no, don’t apologize” Sirius insists, bringing slender fingers up to card comfortingly through your hair. “We aren’t upset with you- merlin, of course we aren’t.” Had your mind been clearer, less shrouded by a submissive haze, the remorse in his voice would have been painfully obvious.

“Siri’s right, bunny, you were so good for us. You should always use your safe word- good girls tell us when they’re uncomfortable, hm? They tell us when they want to stop.” Remus adds, hand never halting in its circular path along the expanse of your back. His words bring you great comfort- the assurance that you were good doing far more for your foggy mind than anything else the boy could have offered.

Your sobs settle somewhat, fizzle out into pathetic, hiccuping gasps as you choke out “I-I was good? Even though I-I stopped before I made you cum?”, finally retreating from your hiding spot in Remus’s clavicle to blink tearily up at the boy. He nods down at you, smiling as reassuringly as he can despite his internal guilt and worry.

“‘Course you were, my love. Always are. Can you tell us what hurt now, baby? So we can help you?” Remus prompts, bringing one hand up to tuck a stray strand of hair that had found itself stuck to your wet, salty cheek behind your ear.

“My butt, Rem, it was too tight, ‘n you moved too fast. It burned so bad.” You whimper out, and though you don’t have any intention of placing blame with the words, Remus’s heart catches in his throat as you say them. Sirius’s does too, however, as he was the one to pull Remus forwards, not allowing the boy to take his time as he’d clearly tried to do. Both boys’ chests are tight with guilt as they process that not only are you hurting, but you’re hurting because of them.

“I’m so sorry baby” both boys blurt out at once, the words dripping with deep regret. Your brows furrow instantly- why are they sorry? To you, it was quite clearly an accident, as you know neither boy would ever hurt you intentionally. And it’s not like they even hurt you severely.

“It’s okay, I’m okay” you murmur bravely, genuinely, fingers playing idly with the hair at the nape of Remus’s neck. “It was an accident, ‘n I’m feeling better.” Despite this, Remus looks at Sirius, giving the boy a soft direction.

“Can you check for tearing, Pads? Just to be sure?” Remus murmurs, to which the long haired boy nods. Sirius leans over from where he sits beside the pair of you to better view the afflicted area, hands coming out to grasp your cheeks and pull them apart gently. You jolt at the touch, whimpering as you push your face back into the safe spot between Remus’s neck and shoulder. The boy tightens his hold on you, shushing you softly and pressing a kiss to your temple. “S’alright, bunny, he’s not gonna touch. He’s just gonna look.” Remus assures, fingers trailing up and down your spine gently.

You whimper again but make no further complaints, trusting both boys wholeheartedly. After a careful inspection Sirius reports “she’s fine, no tearing.”, much to the relief of everyone present.

“Good.” Remus says before he heaves a heavy sigh, trying to get a hold of his roiling emotions so he can take lead of the situation- as he’s so often relied on to do- and get everyone settled and feeling safe enough for some much needed rest.

“Alright, doll, would you like us to use a charm or clean ya up the old fashioned way?” The freckled boy inquires, pulling his head back to gaze down upon your face.

“Charm, please. ‘M so sleepy.” You murmur easily, finding no issue in coming to a decision. Remus nods and Sirius is moving as soon as you say the words, grabbing his wand from the bedside table and murmuring a quick charm to clean your moisture from between your legs.

“Okay, bunny. Pads is gonna take you to the bathroom while I get our beds all ready for us, okay? Ya just have to go potty, then we can all get snuggled up to go to sleep.” Remus instructs, throwing long legs over the side of the bed and standing with you before setting you on your feet.

You pout at the words but nod regardless of your distaste, taking Sirius’s outstretched hand as he offers it and trudging after him into the dorm bathroom.

It’s no easy feat, but soon Sirius has coaxed you into going to the bathroom and washing your hands and is leading you right back into the dorm. Remus is there, waiting for you both, in his bed. The covers of both his and Sirius’s are pushed back, Peter and James’s vacant as your boyfriends had somehow managed to convince them both to spend the night in the common room.

“Who d’ya wanna sleep with, poppet?” Remus muses once you’re back within his view, smiling slightly as he watches you sleepily fist at your eye.

“Dunno, can’t pick.... can’t we all fit? I can just go on top. Like a pile.” You suggest. Remus opens his mouth to argue, to point out how bloody uncomfortable three people- two of whom are over six feet tall- squeezed into one twin bed would be, but as he takes in your wide, pleading eyes and extended lower lip, he can’t find it in him to form such an argument. Either way, Sirius beats him to the punch.

“Course we can, pretty girl. Come on.” Sirius leads you over to Remus’s bed, muttering a “scooch over, you oaf” as he approaches before laying down beside the taller boy. Then he holds out an arm, inviting you to climb right in on top, which you don’t hesitate to do, grinning triumphantly.

After some wiggling the three of you manage to get almost comfortable, but what the arrangement lacks in physical comfort it more than makes up for emotionally, as being pressed so close to both boys brings you more relief than anything else could.

“Good night, bunny.” Remus murmurs after pulling up the covers and getting the three of you thoroughly tucked in. His voice is a deep, soothing rumble that immediately relaxes you, coaxing you towards sleep.

“Night, pup.” Sirius echoes, hand managing to burrow its way between the three bodies squished together and come to rest on your breast, the warmth of his palm cupping your flesh adding to your solace.

“Good night, Siri. Night, Rem. Love you.” You murmur. After receiving synchronized “love you too”s in return, you let your heavy lids flutter shut, and your breathing evens out as you fall into a peaceful slumber, wrapped up in your boys.

You froze as someone rolled over, murmuring in his sleep. Something felt humiliating about waking up over a nightmare, and if it was something that’d happened before… you couldn’t stand the thought of being seen as childish or irritating.

You crawled back into bed. Sirius stretched out a hand to touch you.

“Where’d you go?”

You sighed. “Just thirsty.” It didn’t take long for his breathing to even out again, and you were so exhausted yourself that you followed quickly behind.

This time, you woke up more violently, suppressing a short shriek and sitting up abruptly. You forced yourself more quickly from the blankets, now, blinking awake and pressing your fingernails into your palms as you headed for the bathroom. Your eyes hurt, like you’d been crying for a while, and a quick glance at James’ watch on the edge of the sink told you it was only an hour since you’d gone back to sleep.

“Baby?” You stumbled backwards, a dry sob escaping from your throat.

“Shit.” You’d forgotten the silencing spells.

Remus appeared in the doorway, rubbing the back of his neck and looking at you concernedly. “You alright?”

“Yes!” You gasped, too quickly. “Yes, I’m fine. Sorry to wake you.”

“Don’t apologise.” He leaned against the door. “You’re crying.”

The acknowledgement made it harder to stop. You swallowed, hugging yourself. “I’m sorry.” You repeated. He shook his head. “Please don’t worry about it. Stubbed my toe, that's all.”

He didn’t believe you.

Sirius groaned from inside the dorm. “What’s going on? You two having fun without me?”

That woke James, who was out of bed in seconds and in the door of the bathroom. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

“Want a hug?”

You closed your eyes, shaking your head. “That’s nice of you, Jamie. But I didn’t mean to wake you. I’m-“

“Don’t say sorry.” Remus interrupted firmly. He cupped your face, wiping your under-eyes with the pads of his thumbs tenderly. A fresh wave appeared. You felt very, very tired. “Was it a nightmare?”

You twisted out of his hold, walking past them both and towards Sirius’ bed. “Let’s all go back to sleep. I don’t want to make you all tired tomorrow.”

To your dissatisfaction, James turned the lights to the dorm on instead of doing as you’d suggested, eyebrows furrowed. “You’re upset, though. Can’t have that.”

“I’m not!” Your attempt at a smile fell short, its plasticity painfully obvious. Sirius wrapped his strong arms around your middle, drawing you into his lap and kissing your cheek. Their touch was something you craved, most of the time, but you couldn’t stand the thought that it might be out of pity.

“You had another bad dream?”

You stiffened. “What do you mean, ‘another’? I already told Moony that I didn't.”

“Hey, calm down, yeah?” Remus said softly. “There’s nothing wrong with it.”

“I’m calm.” You said, but your heart felt like it had moved to the front of your chest and might at any moment spring through the buttons of your pyjama shirt. “I’m calm.”

“You can’t keep this secret, baby, it’s only going to hurt you more.” James said kindly.

“I’m not hurt- and I don’t have any secrets.” Sirius’ hair brushed the back of your neck, carrying his citrus-y scent with it. You wanted so badly to relax, to not be afraid of falling asleep again.

“Sweetheart, we notice the silencing spells every night, alright?” Unpleasant heat blossomed in your face, your neck. You chewed on your lip. Remus continued. “It’s okay, we aren’t angry. We’re never angry.”

“We only want to help.” Sirius said, and James nodded his agreement.

“You’ve been so tired recently. We’ve wanted to talk about it, you know that.”

You did know it. They’d tried to bring your tiredness up a number of times, conversations you’d always cut off hastily with a wry smile and a joke about hating the revision period. You’d never allowed them to properly ask you- you’d done it on purpose, but they hadn’t brought up the nightmares since the first couple of nights a number of weeks ago. Foolishly, you thought you’d evaded their notice by refusing to sleep in their arms or talking about anything that might be wrong.

“I’m not trying to be difficult, I promise.” You said, with as much apology as you could manage without actually saying the word.

“You’re not difficult, you’re lovely.” James said, as if it were obvious.

“How long have the nightmares been happening?” Remus asked.

“They haven-”

“No more of that, come on.” Sirius jostled you gently. “We’re past it. It’s okay.”

Tears welled in the corners of your eyes, and you hid your face in your hands, embarrassed and drained of energy. “You’ll all think I’m childish.”

“Oh, sweetheart.” Remus and James joined you on the bed, the former gently prying one of your hands from your face and tracing circles on your skin with his fingers. “We won’t think that.”

“You can’t promise that. What if I said I’d been having nightmares for a month now? Maybe more- what would you think of that?” You sounded more aggressive than you wanted to, but none of them reacted with anger or irritation. “Nobody complains over nightmares. I’m acting like a baby.”

“I’d think that you must be very worn-out, to have gone through that all by yourself.” Remus said.

“Why didn’t you tell us?” James’ voice wasn’t exasperated, only concerned. You weren’t sure if it was a million times better or worse. Whether it was what you wanted, beyond the want for them all to forget it and go to sleep.

“It feels silly, to wake you all over a nightmare. It’s babyish.”

“Not really,” Sirius said in his usual blunt manner. “We’d rather help than have you feeling this way, puppy.”

“It isn’t silly, we promise.” James said sincerely. “Do you think it would help if someone held you while you slept? We’ve all noticed that you haven’t been wanting us to touch you- it’s fine, obviously, but-”

“That could be nice.” You said, a little overwhelmed with affection for them all. “I haven’t… I don’t want to wake you.”

“Extra time hangin’ out with you? Don’t sweat it, pretty girl, we’d love that.”

You laughed at Sirius’ flirting. “You won’t feel that way if I wake you at three in the morning.”

“That’s how I feel right now, isn’t it?” He supplied. You pressed your lips together, unsure how to respond. He kissed the top of your head.

“If the nightmares are from stress- we think they are, at least- then we’re happy to help.” You opened your mouth to decline, feeling overbearing, but Remus shook his head and continued. “I meant to say, we will help. Not just an offer.”

James yawned, and Sirius gave him a look that made him put up his hands in a don’t-shoot gesture. You smiled fondly. “That’s really sweet, Moony.”

“I try.” He shrugged nonchalantly, accepting your kiss gladly.

“We should all get some sleep, though. I’m so-” You cut yourself off at the warning glances they all sent your way. “Um- thank you, for helping me.”

Remus hummed approvingly, and James and Sirius both kissed you before the former clambered back into his own bed. Sirius lay down, arms still pulling you into him.

“You okay?” He whispered, shutting off the lights. You nodded.

“Yeah. I think telling you all made it better, actually. I hadn’t expected it to.”

“It’s always better to tell us. Don’t go running off if you wake up again, yeah?”

“Yeah, okay.” You agreed after a short pause.