brainworms of gayness and misery

"So he's working overtime on a Miller time shift" is all the indisputable evidence we have. And yes. The fact that Sam's first response to "Dad hasn't been home for a few days" is "he's on a bender. He'll be fine" indicates that this is a thing John regularly did while Sam was living with him. It makes it pretty damn explicit that John has a problem. But it's less then a minute of screentime in a series where people famously skip the first three seasons. So you'd think some people would miss it. You'd think John wouldn't be an alcoholic in every single fic.

You know what else is a single line from the Pilot with pretty big implications? "Sammy is a chubby twelve year old." That pretty clearly implies that Sam was fat as a kid (regardless of the actors they went on to cast as him), and yet how much fan art and fic have I seen of that? None that wasn't in some way inspired by me pointing this out.

Everything else alluding to John's alcoholism can be explained in other ways. Sam saying that they could have had Max Miller's life if John hunted a little less and drank tequila a little more? That's true whether the amount that John drank was a lot or nothing at all. Either way, things would probably be worse if he drank more than that. Sam alluding to John passing out on Thanksgiving? Yeah, he could be passed out drunk... or he could be in a food coma, or he could have just fallen asleep after a long hunt where he was working twenty hours a day. There are a lot of reasons people nap, especially on holidays. And of course, the biggest thing we see is how Sam and Dean both also turn to alcohol as a coping mechanism when they have problems, but they don't have to have learned that from John. Is it reasonable to assume that they learned it from him? Yeah, of course. That's the most likely explanation by far. But it isn't definitive. Sam and Dean abusing alcohol isn't proof that John did too.

So yeah, the hints of it are all over the series, but this show has 327 episodes. Not everyone catches implications or does textual and character analysis. Some people will only notice things if a show looks them in the eye and tells them about it, and even with the "Miller time shift" line, it doesn't quite do that. Logically, some people in the fandom shouldn't have noticed it.

I think that despite being canon, John's alcoholism occupies the position of fanon. It has spread in the same way. People aren't actually picking it up from the text. They're getting it from everyone else including it in their fanfics and tumblr posts and theories, probably without realizing that's where they first caught it, not in the actual show. I know that's where I first got it from. It took me way too long to clock what a "Miller Time Shift" actually meant, and by then I'd already delved into fics where John has a massive drinking problem and accepted that as a fact based on them. And I think it's super weird and fascinating and interesting that a canon fact can still do that. It can be treated like fanon and operate as such, even when it's not.

Like. What else do wincest and destiel shippers agree on? They can barely agree on things that are explicitly in the text and way less subtle. But no one on either side forgets to give John a drunken scene whenever they're writing a weechesters fic.

He’s the one who taught the boys that “family” is all they have, the one who conditioned Dean to make Sam his entire world as his protector, caretaker, stand-in parent. But in doing so, John built a bond that even he wasn’t part of anymore.

Imagine the way that must’ve felt on hunts. Something goes wrong, Sam’s in danger, and for one gut-wrenching second John thinks he’s too late. He’s already halfway to reaching for his son only to realize Dean’s already there. Dean’s already holding him, already the one Sam clings to, seeking comfort.

And that’s not even Dean’s fault. It’s John’s own making. He created this dependency, but now he’s on the outside of it. Sam’s instinct isn’t to go to his father for safety, it’s to go to his brother. And somewhere deep down, that must’ve burned.

While his interactions with Swansea are antagonistic, and his interactions with Anya are tense and uncomfortable, and his interactions with Curly switch between jealousy and admiration, Jimmy's interactions with Daisuke are consistently very friendly. Daisuke jokes around with Jimmy a lot, he clearly thinks Jimmy's great. And Jimmy very obviously cares a lot about Daisuke. He tells Daisuke to not let Swansea push him around. He immediately points out to Daisuke that drinking the mouthwash would probably kill you, and it's implied that he said that repeatedly. He's worried about Daisuke when he's hungover. One of my favorite interactions is an optional one- before giving Swansea the cocktail, if you talk to Daisuke, Jimmy asks if he's doing okay. It's a tiny moment, one you can easily miss, but it again shows that Jimmy really cares about him.

And after Daisuke is injured and subsequently dies, Jimmy is completely wracked with guilt. He's hallucinating Daisuke's grave before Daisuke even dies. He's desperate to save Daisuke, furious with Swansea for putting him out of his misery, unable to look at his blood. And Daisuke is EVERYWHERE in his hallucination sequences. His presence is felt in every vent, hibiscus flowers are everywhere, the place where Swansea hunts Jimmy down is a funeral for Daisuke. Jimmy clearly feels beyond guilty for sending Daisuke into the vents.

All of this, all of this clear care Jimmy has for Daisuke, and yet he still manipulates him into going into the vents. Pulling on Daisuke's insecurities, pressuring him by saying everyone's counting on him, using Daisuke's want to be helpful to get him to go in the vents. Jimmy cares about Daisuke so much, yet he still manipulates him and causes his death.

It's another detail contributing to how disgustingly human Jimmy is. And I think that humanity is why it's so easy to fucking hate him so much. If Jimmy was a 2D monster who didn't care about others, he'd be hateable, but not to the extent we actually hate him. But he's not a 2D monster. He could be your coworker, he could be your friend, he could be the person playing the game. He cares about people, he has deep insecurities, the back half of the game is basically him having a mental breakdown. He's a human being who is written as a human being. And that's important, because it's an unfortunate fact that abusers, rapists, people who do these inhumane things to others, are human. That NEEDS to be shown.

(I think Jimmy clearly caring so much about Daisuke is another reason why his complete lack of care for Anya is infuriating. Something I find fascinating is how it cuts right from us finding out Anya is pregnant into Daisuke's death scene, where Jimmy desperately wants to save him. It cuts from us finding out Jimmy raped Anya to Jimmy caring deeply for Daisuke. From learning he did one of the most inhumane things a person can do, to another reminder of his uncomfortable levels of humanity. Jimmy doesn't give a single fuck about Anya, but it's not because he's inhuman and evil. There is nothing essential to his nature preventing him from caring. The only barrier between him and giving a shit about her is his own misogyny. He doesn't see Anya as a person, so he doesn't care about her. And still, he clearly cares about people, and we can see that through Daisuke. Jimmy is a misogynistic ghoul of a person, and he is still, unfortunately, human.)

And because Jimmy's so human, we know he could just stop. Humans have the capacity to not do the wrong thing again and again and again. Jimmy could just fucking stop at any point. He could just choose not to manipulate someone he clearly cares about into going into the deadly vent shaft. He could just choose not to cut his supposed best friend's leg off and feed it to him. He could just choose not to crash the ship. He could just choose not to fucking rape someone. He could just choose to fucking stop.

But he doesn't. He consistently chooses to do the shitty thing instead of being better, making amends, actually fixing his mistakes, actually taking responsibility. And it's not because he's an evil monster who can only do evil. It's because he's a human being who refuses to really change.

So i finally played the game yesterday and noticed a detail that isn't talked about enough:

10 mg oxycodone for someone in Curly's condition wouldn't do jack as a painkiller. From what i understood, he also takes it only once a day orally. When he's easily at the very top of the analgesic ladder (meaning due to his state he would need the strongest narcotics in the highest doses, preferably intravenously). Especially that 1) idk about the state of his digestive tract but i can venture to say the absorption would be very poor (meaning a big portion of the drug would just pass through his guts without actually going into the body), and 2) he's been taking it for months and oxycodone as an opioid builds tolerance (meaning his organism "gets used to" the drug and gradually needs more for the same effect). He probably feels that himself, that's why he's reluctant to take it throughout the game.

But don't worry, it gets worse!

Because later on, when we find out we're out of meds and find a hidden stash, it turns out to be...

500 mg paracetamol. As in, half a dose you yourself would take for a headache on a good day. It's placebo at best. What's even the point.

Anya did nothing wrong, I’m an apologist too lol

Granted, Anya hasn’t made it out of medical school, BUT the biggest problem is Pony Express’ lack of resources. They likely did not have the stuff required for an actual medical emergency despite the crew being isolated in space for months at a time. So it’s really their fault. Anya is arguably a miracle worker for keeping Curly alive at ALL.

But I thinks it’s more of a Jimmy problem too. Anya probably knows it’s not enough. But Jimmy doesn’t. Jimmy is the one who pushes Daisuke to go into the vents despite the risk and then being surprised he comes out of it injured. Jimmy is the one who pours mouthwash on his injuries despite Anya warning them that it won’t make a good disinfectant. He’s the type to insist that Curly being in the cryopod is more merciful than death despite what Swansea was trying to tell him. Jimmy is not a doctor, but he sure acts like one when his actions have consequences.

Jimmy is the type to A. insist he knows better than everyone else and to try and circumvent the better knowledge of those around him and B. Want to punish Curly.

Who’s to say he didn’t pressure Anya to give Curly his meds? That she actually knows it’s dumb and part of her reluctance to give Curly his medicine is also fueled by knowing it doesn’t help him? How she even says that it hurts him so much to do, and she even “forgets” to do it occasionally because it makes literally no difference, and Jimmy only notices when Curly cries out in pain in the middle of the night? How Jimmy seems to interpret silence as a lack of misery and told Daisuke to be quiet when he was suffering too?

You cannot criticize and examine hockey culture without the foundational understanding of the role that whiteness plays in the toxicity of hockey culture.

When she said that Shane doesn’t carry grief or trauma it becomes glaringly obvious that she is missing one of the core problems of the toxicity of hockey culture in Canada. Whiteness is what enables this toxic and abusive behavior to continue. Yes, the NFL, NBA, and MLB all have them problems and issues and I’m not denying that, but those leagues all have players of color who would never be allowed to get away with what NHL players do.

I mean even when it comes to the rules of their sport, you think a 6’8, 300lb Black linebacker is getting a 5 minute penalty for shoving a ref or for getting in their face and yelling at them? You think a bunch of Black athletes could be living in billet homes in small towns with a reputation of violence against little white teenage girls and it would still be a national problem? Whiteness and racism is core and central to the problems in hockey. Look at Gavin McKenna, an indigenous man, being charged with a felony by State College police because they couldn’t wait to make an example out of him.

“Shane doesn’t carry grief or trauma.”

I’ve been reading hockey player memoirs and one of them is about an “average” player in the NHL. He was by no means a super star or prodigy, just very good at his sport and he talked about how, as a 6 or 7 year old child, he was already facing bullying by adults for how good he was at hockey. Parents of other players resented him so much for scoring they would tell their kids to target him and would scream obscenities. He was even flipped off as a child and humiliated by coaches because he was good at hockey. And this was a white man.

Add in the fact that Shane is Asian Canadian and hockey is a matter of national identity and lm willing to bet that the first time Shane remembers being called a slur, it was while he was playing hockey, and it was by an adult. Because if they already hate that a child is better at hockey than their child to the point of harassing them, how much worse does it get when the parent realizes that it is Asian child who is better at hockey than their kid? Shane would’ve been punished at every level of hockey starting at 5 years old for being good at the sport and being Asian because he would make white teammates, coaches, and fans feels “threatened” because for so long hockey has been centered around their whiteness.

Not only would Shane have been called names, parents would’ve been calling for their kids to “take him out” to take cheap shots and probably screaming slurs at Shane. And I’m willing to bet the coaches and refs did nothing unless the Hollanders threatened to sue, and not Yuna, David had to go down there and flash some legal might around and also the fact that he works for the treasury board and probably knows a thing or two about hockey Canada.

But Shane would’ve been punished for being not white and being good at hockey and it would’ve been severe because whiteness is the cornerstone of this sport.

Laila Edwards has talked about experiencing misogynoir as a hockey player and has, probably in the best interest of her PWHL draft and desire not to be harassed by racist trolls, not been as outspoken on vocal as she could be.

Look at Jason Robertson’s exclusion from the Olympics roster and the handwringing of hockey podcasters who “don’t get why the coaches made the decisions they made.” It’s because the foundation of this sport and its success is whiteness and white people feel threatened when people of color succeed so they have to knock them down a peg even to their own detriment because that’s how much they hate seeing people of color succeed.

Whiteness is the foundation of this sport and racism is so imbedded that parents will scream at their 10 year old to hit a six year old just because they’re brown and good at hockey

Like Hockey Canada is struggling to recruit and retain players of colors even as Canada gets more diverse because of the racism.

Even the big book about toxic hockey culture in Canada brushes over the racism even though whiteness and the excuses we make for white men ar front and center as to why hockey culture in Canada got to be the way it is.