the uncommon sensation

Then, looking at Lorelai, he supposed he got lucky with all of them.

Delta had gotten lucky too.

There were not words for the kind of gratitude he had towards her now.

She ended up repeating herself a lot. Right now, within earshot, she was making her same argument to Jay.

“I was going there anyway. I’ve been meaning to go back, Mama called recently, I-“ Her accent came out a little more whenever she spoke of home, as if just remembering it placed her back there. It had to have been years now. “You can’t expect me to stay away forever.”

“I’ve never had to make that choice, Lorry. I wouldn’t know,” Jay said, quite tactfully. “I only know what I’ve been told.”

“Well, we never talk about the nice stuff,” she huffed in response.

At that exact moment, they both seemed to become aware of Delta eavesdropping. He blushed a little, scooting down in the passenger seat, but wasn’t reprimanded for it. Jay waved.

“You have anything you miss from it?” he smiled a little sardonically.

“Uh, no sir.”

No surprises there. Everyone there knew Delta was not going back for the nice stuff.

There was a movement at the window of the house. Everyone’s eye was drawn to it as Paris appeared, resting one arm lightly against the sill. It was within shouting distances, but he didn’t speak. Didn’t even make the C’mere gesture that Delta had been trained to watch for. He just titled his head slightly, and the spot his eyes were trained made it clear who the summons was for. Delta exhaled, and reluctantly climbed up from his seat.

~

“It’s not too late to back out.”

Paris leaned against the edge of the kitchen counter. A single, thin blunt hung from his fingers, and his shirt hung off of his frame. He was pale, with dark circles under his eyes indicating an untimely sickness. 

“Mm,” Delta hummed. “Yeah.”

“I mean it. You know how dangerous this is, you know how likely it is to go wrong for you, and you know what’s going to happen if it does. I know you think you have to, but you don’t. You shouldn’t. I am fucking begging you to reconsider.”

“Yeah. I know, Paris. I heard you the first time.”

A little flicker of frustration, and a corresponding flinch from the opposite party. Neither acknowledged it and Delta’s resolve did not soften even a little bit.

“Does Levon know?”

“No.” Delta’s eyes glowed. “And you’re not going to tell him.”

That was the whole point of leaving. That had been months ago.

“You didn’t tell him because you knew he’d stop you, right? Did you tell anyone? Everyone is just worried about you. You have people here who love you and just want you to be safe, and you’re betraying all their trust just to chase something you can’t even remember. Whatever you find, it won’t fix anything. It can’t change what happened. You don’t have to go back.”

Delta closed his eyes: “Can you imagine what it’s like to be me for one second?”

“I think about it all the time.”

“Whatever you’re picturing, it’s worse. Every system I’ve been cordoned into, and every agent of that system, have all worked so painstakingly to make sure I was reduced into nothing. I don’t have words for how thoroughly my sense of self has been eradicated. So if I want to understand it better, and if I want to understand who I might have been before all of this happened, I’m within my right to search for it.”

This was more explanation than he had given to almost anyone else, so he hoped Paris could appreciate that much.

When he opened his eyes, Paris did not look particularly grateful. He looked just as sad and scared as before. Guilt had eroded away at his options for speech. Delta waited patiently in the time it took him to formulate a response.

“…You didn’t have to bring Lorelai into it.” Paris looked down. “She won’t go if you don’t.”

“That’s not what she said.” Delta bit his lip. “She said she was going either way.”

Paris shook his head: “She hates traveling alone. That’s why it took her so long to leave in the first place. If you backed out, she would too.”

“You didn’t.” 

Paris sniffled and pressed the flat of his palm against his eye, sliding it against his temple. Delta was concerned for a second that he was crying, but he didn’t seem to be. He just looked miserable. It was possible they’d quite literally worried him sick. The strain was showing in his voice.

Delta softened his tone slightly in acknowledgement.

“It’ll be fine. I won’t let anything happen to her. We’ll be careful.”

And it seemed to make him cave entirely. It was easy to render Paris defenseless now. At least, it was easy for him. 

“…You will?” Paris asked without venom.

“We will. I promise.”

“Delta, please don’t do this,” he begged outright. “Is there nothing I can say to change your mind?”

“No, there isn’t. I’m sorry. We’ll be careful. It’s okay.” 

Delta brought Paris’s hand to his lips, briefly kissing the jointed fingers. A shock of pink spread across the prince’s face as his expression turned hopelessly defeated.

He didn’t know where he got the nerve anymore. It just came to him. Delta dropped his hand, then brushed a stray strand of hair from his face in a self soothing motion, letting time dilute the intensity. 

“Do you want me to bring you anything back?” he asked, a bit awkwardly. 

Paris adjusted well enough, shrugging. He took a hit from the pre-roll, then coughed a little, wincing. Imperceptibly, Delta caught the shiver that ran through his spine. His skin had been cold when he touched it.

“Nah. Lorelai’s already got it, she’s going to pick up a few things from my aunt’s house since it’s on the way.”

“I’m going to meet your family?”

“I don’t recommend it? I mean, it’s my mom’s side, so not scary, but not friendly either. At least not to me. They might like you. I’d probably prefer if you didn’t speak with them, to be honest.”

“Alright,” Delta agreed. He thought he might prefer that too. “Um, I gave Kitty your number, and I’m going to send you hers. You can call her if there’s an emergency. We’ll try and keep you updated while we’re out there.”

Paris nodded absently.

“You should rest,” Delta suggested lightly. “You’ll feel better.”

“…I really don’t want you to go.”

“I know, Paris.”

~

The air outside was gradually warming, but growing no less saturated with water. Jay had returned inside shortly after Delta had exited the house, his services presumably needed to prevent a full meltdown. Delta and Lorelai were left standing alone outside the ship.

Her hair was undone, curled up against her shoulders, and she shifted her weight from foot to foot. Her hands were clasped, fingers intertwining and shifting pressure from point to point too. It was the kind of fidgeting she had presumably never been punished for. It was a telltale sign of nervousness. 

Delta could feel his own nerves twitching, but he lended the energy to literal static discharge. He pressed his fingers to the surface of the ship and pushed it lightly into the heart of the engine.

Neither of them got inside.

It’s not too late to back out.

Delta remembered his notice of resignation — it had been resignation in every sense of the word. Something about that goodbye to Galatea had felt so sickening and final. But it was months ago, and he had lived. He’d live through this too, even if it took more courage.

So would she. She had it to spare.

“I like this ship,” Lorelai said, turning her attention back to it. “Wish you could’ve seen the old one before we crashed it off the coast of Elysia. God, I miss her all the time. That one got us through everything.”

Delta nodded, though he barely understood. He said: “That’d mean a two year round trip though, right?”

“Eugh, yeah. Maybe less. As the crow flies, it shouldn’t have taken us half as long as it did to get across the board. Paris and I just ran into trouble a lot. Many evasive maneuvers! It’ll be a similar thing here, we have to steer clear of checkpoints. But this thing runs a lot faster. Don’t you, girl?”

The ship made no response. She was sub-military grade, about a decade old, but the specs said she ran as good as ever. The max speed knocked out anything available on the consumer market.

It was reassuring to hear Lorelai speak like she knew her way around. It was good, because Delta could not think of anyone else he both trusted to pilot and who would actually entertain the request. It was asking very much of her. He reminded himself to make it up to her, somehow. Eventually.

“I got all my forged documents, in case anyone asks.” Lorelai winked.

God forbid anyone asked.

“I won’t keep you longer than a month or two,” Delta said. “Not in one jump at least. If it looks like we’re in for an extended stay, we should bail. The less time we spend inside imperial territory, the better.”

Both of them were used to the jaunts in and out for work, but flirting around the edges of the border did not compare at all to what it was like in the depths. This time around, they’d be plunging quite close to the heart.

Not for long though. Not for long.

“I’ll keep an eye on it,” Lorelai promised. She glanced at her wrist watch. “…It’s getting late now.”

Dread clawed at him, but Delta nodded. Everything was packed. There was no excuse to delay it any further.

Paris and Jay reappeared in the doorway, apparently sensing it as well as they did. Jay smiled slightly, and presumably for their benefit alone. Paris looked just as miserable and anxious as he had been all morning, but seemed slightly more sedated. Redosed on the cold medicine, most likely. He was trembling a little.

Lorelai pushed forward off the side of the ship, and he immediately clung to her. The muscle memory was there. They snapped together like magnets, in a motion that had clearly been repeated over and over and over again. It was sweet enough that Delta felt embarrassed for watching.

After muttering something indistinct, they reluctantly separated, with Lorelai pausing to cup his face, kissing his cheek. She’d probably get sick now too. 

The air between Delta and Paris was stiffer. Delta blushed a little, unwilling to be begged again. He couldn’t take any resistance now. He was too close to cracking as it was.

“Please be careful,” Paris said — quietly, measured. 

Delta nodded. He knew how unlikely it was for Paris to touch him at all without explicit consent. Not unless he slipped up, moving out of habit. His habits weren’t trained for this, but after years of safety, Delta’s had been gradually retrained. Delta stepped forward to hug him, and was surprised by the speed and desperation with which Paris clung back, the lack of self consciousness.

“You too,” Delta said quietly. He could feel the tremors.

They really had to leave now. He could not take another second of thinking it over.

“Call by tonight, okay?” Jay asked, as a way of negotiating.

“Mhm. Got it. Will do,” Lorelai said, chipper. Just because it was forced did not mean it was fake. 

She was climbing into the driver’s seat. Delta tried not to let any of their fear get to him. He had enough of his own. He got in next to her, and threw up a peace sign for the departure.

Peace. That was the idea, anyway.

~~~

tags:

@catnykit @snakebites-and-ink @scoundrelwithboba @whatwhump

@pumpkin-spice-whump @deluxewhump @fuckass1000 @fuckcapitalismasshole @defire

@micechomper @writereleaserepeat @aloafofbreadwithanxiety @floral-comet-whump @littlebookworm69

@lordcatwich @human-123-person @paperprinxe @whomeidontknowthem @sacredwrath

@bacillusinfection @ichortwine @whump-queen @lumpywhump @fuckclimatechange

She stayed sitting up, but put her elbow on the table and rested her chin in the palm of her hand. "I don't know, Tom. I really don't. They aren't themselves recently. They keep saying it's uni, but-"

"I don't think it's uni."

Ada gave a grim smile and nodded. Tom continued. "I've never seen them like this. Ever. Like, even when they were still living with their parents, they were better than this."

"They're really… quiet."

It wasn't a long reply, but it was weighty. Tom felt sick.

"Yeah. Fuck. They're really quiet. They hardly laugh. I -" Tom cut himself off. "I'm worried about them. Like, really worried."

Calyx wasn't home, but he still felt awful saying this specific thing aloud. He just couldn't get it off his mind, and selfishly, he wanted it validated. "Look, I'm not saying this in a weird way, but they don't change in front of me anymore. I only bring it up because we used to. And I know it's getting colder, but I thought about it - I haven't actually seen their arms in…"

Ada's face was all the confirmation he needed to know that it was as weird as it felt. "For how long?"

Tom really felt sick, saying this next part. "Since they came back from -"

"Leo's?"

Ada was clever. Maybe they just had the same lines of thinking. He sighed, and put his head in his hands. He didn't need to confirm it verbally. When he looked up at Ada, she was biting her lip and bouncing her leg. 

"I'm really worried, Ada. I don't know about what, but I'm just really fucking worried. It's not like them to lie."

"Wait, they're lying? What about?"

Tom winced. He hadn't planned on saying that. He interlaced his fingers above the table and took a deep breath. Spilling their secrets like this felt wrong, categorically so. They were all friends, and he knew Ada cared about Calyx, but he wasn't sure if she cared for her sister more. His mouth felt dry as he said, pointedly not looking at Ada, "I think they might have had something to do with Elene's spellbook."

He heard Ada take a sharp intake of breath. Tom tensed. He was ready to fight for Calyx, even though he had no idea why they had done it, or what for, or why they were lying about it.

"Are you sure?" 

He was. His explanation came out unsteady anyway. "I - I know their tells. I know that tone of voice, like, um. High? Detached? I've heard them on the phone to their mum enough times to know. I'm sure they were lying about Leo, now too. It's the only reason I haven't gone and found him, but I thought about it. I just - wasn't really paying attention in the moment, but..." He trailed off, letting Ada fill in the gaps. 

This time, Ada slumped and put her head in her hands on the table. "Fuck."

"Yeah."

"I'm not - I don't think I'm angry. If you're worried about that."

Tom sighed in relief. She had been - angry. Rightfully, but it'd been a whirlwind recently.

"You think someone made them steal it?" 

"I - I really fuckin' hope so. Otherwise…"

The question hung in the air. He spoke quietly, mostly to himself. "I don't know what's going on. They won't tell me anything. I feel like I don't recognise them, and I'm so -" The thought of his brother was sudden and disarming, and he choked up in seconds. "Fuck, Ada. We have to figure out what's going on before we find out. I can't lose them."

She put a hand on his shoulder, and her voice was tight too. "We won't." 

— — —

Then the knight showed up, and Calyx left again. Tom worried, again, all day.

They came home late that evening, but Tom still breathed a sigh of relief when he heard them come through the door. It was hit-and-miss whether they would, on these days they vanished sometime in the morning or afternoon. They didn't text, they didn't call. He just had to hope they would come home, and bit his nails raw thinking of the call he might get if they didn't. 

He was sitting in the living room, having been forcibly migrated off the stairs by a stressed Ada. 

("You can't stay here all night, Tom."

"I'm worried," he replied. 

"I know," she said, and he knew from the way her eyes flicked to the door and she bit her lip that she was too.)

Calyx walked in, paused in the entryway, then switched the light on and walked into the kitchen, sighing audibly. They jumped when they saw him through the open door, hands coming up to their chest out of instinct before they realised it was just him.

"Oh, fuck. You scared me. Why are you sitting in the dark?"

Their eyes flicked over to the TV - nothing was on. Tom was sitting in the dark. He hadn't noticed. "Dunno. Training my eyes."

They frowned, backlit by the light of the kitchen. All was quiet - Ada and Elene had already gone to bed. Clem left early in the afternoon to get help. They'd been cryptic, and it was frustrating, but the possibility of help was dizzying.

He sighed. "Where have you been?"

They didn't even bother lying, and shrugged, running a hand through their hair. "I don't know. Work. School. A friend's house."

"Which one, Cee?" It wasn't angry, or pointed. He just wanted to know.

They turned away, hitting their forehead on the doorframe in a quietly frustrated gesture. "All of them. None of them. I don't know, Tom. I'm so... tired."

He got up then, and noticed the way they tensed and stepped back slightly. They had never done that, but they'd started, and it was killing him. 

"I'm worried about you," he said, moving to hold one of their elbows, but he paused when they closed their eyes and looked down. "Hey." He cupped their chin, and they didn't hide the flinch. Who are you flinching from, Cee?

They relaxed into his touch though, closing their eyes, but he didn't feel nearly as relaxed. Up close, a quiet horror set in. "Cee?"

"Mm?"

He brushed their cheek with a gentle thumb, looking at it in the light. Was he losing it, or was it slightly redder than the other? He was starting to tilt their chin to look, and then he saw, unmistakable even in the dim light. Bruises. On their neck.

"Calyx?," he choked out. "What happened?"

They opened their eyes and pulled away slightly, and they opened their mouth, then shook their head.

"Nothing. I fell."

He stared at them, disbelief filling his mind.

"Why are you lying?"

They sighed, and brought up a hand to their neck, and when they spoke, there was only exhaustion in their voice. "I don't know, Tommy. I don't know. I'm sorry."

Oh. They hardly ever called him that anymore. It was… disarming. It was scary.

"Talk to me, starling. You know you can talk to me."

They didn't move, didn't react.

He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. "You saved me, you know." He didn't realise he was so close to tears till his voice broke. "All those years ago. Your joy. It saved me. 

He put his hand where he knew their ring lay against their chest, and they made a quiet noise he couldn't place.

Their eyes were shiny, and they hugged themselves, then, out of the quiet, they laughed wetly, turning to look at the kettle. "God, I'm exhausted. I wanted tea."

Tom looked at them, starting to say we can still make tea, when they buried their face in his shoulder, not even hugging him, just bringing themselves closer. He brought his arms up and did the hugging. He closed his eyes and breathed in sync with them, thinking of all the times they had done this before. They still fit together. Nothing was different.

They didn't look up when they spoke. "Can we just… go to bed?"

The tiredness in their voice was heartbreaking. He hummed, and they pulled away from his now-relaxed grip, leaving him standing in the kitchen, alone.

Calyx took longer in the bathroom, so Tom was done before they were. He sank into bed, waiting for them to walk into their room. When they appeared in the doorway, quiet and slow in the new way they'd been walking around recently, he bit his lip, and nodded at their spot next to him. On days they ran off like this, they'd been sleeping downstairs, on the couch. He hated those days.

They stood illuminated by the hallway light, running a hand down their face before stepping forward and climbing into bed, curling up and facing away from him.

"G'night." 

Another new thing. The two of them used to sit in bed for a while before they actually fell asleep, talking quietly and enjoying each other's presence. Calyx just seemed so tired nowadays. They were asleep in moments, leaving Tom with his thoughts. 

They usually sprawled out, too. More often than not now, they curled up closer to themselves than he'd ever known. Or - no, he had known them like this before. After bad nights with their parents, stressful arguments and threats.

I'm all curled up, they used to tell him, on the phone. It's the only way I can sleep when they get like this.

For days after, they always got very quiet and sad, and curled up whenever they could, tucking their knees up and wrapping their arms around them. They hadn't done that in a while. They shouldn't be doing that now.

Why were they doing that? What were they afraid of? 

Conversely, Tom was taking longer and longer to fall asleep, lost in thought, and tonight, it ended up being that he was awake for a nightmare.

He was scrolling mindlessly on his phone, looking over at them every so often, and took his headphones off when he felt them freeze next to him. Their breathing hitched, and they curled up somehow closer, making a soft sound that made his heart hurt. Whatever they were dreaming about, it didn't sound good. He turned over and switched on the lamp, ready to wake them up.

Then they started talking, and his blood ran cold. It was quiet, barely more than whispers at first, but undeniably - pleading. A lot of little no's and pleases in a single breath. Apologies? He watched them wince, flinch away from nothing, no one, heard their breathing get heavier and more erratic, and when he pulled at their shoulder, they yelped.

"Stop!" It sounded almost strangled, choked, and they jerked awake, half-sitting up and scrambling away from him, till they realised where they were and paused, still gripping the sheets. 

The yellow lamplight lit up their face, and they sniffled, breathing heavily, eyes wild.

"Oh," they said, quietly, seeming to not notice the tears on their face. Tom did. "Sorry. Did I wake you up?" 

He kept his voice soft, watching them steady their own breathing, clench their fists, squeeze their eyes shut. "No, I was awake already. Are you okay? That sounded bad."

Their eyes widened, and they tensed, tucking their knees closer to their chest. "Um, no. It was fine. One of those crazy ones that don't make any sense later." They paused, squeezing their eyes shut. "Did I say anything?"

"Uh, nothing I could make out," he lied. He didn't know why he did. "Do you…" He held up the duvet next to him, making a cocoon they could get in if they wanted to. They hesitated, but to his relief, they did, crawling over to lean on his arm and sit up against the headboard, and not for the first time, he noticed how cold they were as he put an arm round them. They'd lost weight, too. Tom had noticed. He didn't know how to tell them.

They sat for a few moments, then he whispered, "are you not feeling well? You're freezing." 

They stiffened. "'M fine. Sorry. What time is it? Why were you up?"

He checked his phone, felt them deflate against him as they both saw 2:23am. He knew the feeling. "Dunno. Just couldn't sleep." 

They rubbed their eyes, resting their head on his arm. "Oh, Tom." They sighed, turning to bury their face in his chest. "I don't think I wanna go back to sleep."

"We can stay up together if you want."

They sighed, closing their eyes. "I'm so tired, though." They sounded, heartbreakingly, like they were going to cry.

He stroked their hair, noticing with a pit in his stomach how they stiffened for a moment first before they shuddered and relaxed into it. "Hey, it's okay. I can wake you up if you have another one?" 

They blinked at him, looking more sad and lost than he'd ever seen them. "Okay," they whispered. "Okay." 

In the end, Tom didn't end up sleeping for more than a couple hours, but knowing that Calyx could curl up and feel safe by his side was more than enough to stave off any tiredness. 

He noticed the hair ties in the morning - around their wrists and ankles. He hadn't seen them in the dark, but he saw Calyx take them off, quietly. They didn't want him to see, and froze when he asked.

"What's that for?"

They looked over at him, eyes wide, then schooled their expression, their tone casual when they spoke. "Uh. This new thing I heard about. It's meant to keep the heat in."

He raised an eyebrow. "Right. Definitely doesn't have anything to do with the bruises."

They froze. "There's no bruises. What are you talking about?" Their voice was detached, with just an edge of nervousness. Lying.

Tom reached over to hold their wrist, a chasm in his chest opening up when they snatched it away, holding it close to their heart. 

An old grief threatened to cut him open as he met their betrayed eyes. "Cee..."

"No. No. Don't do that. Don't."

They sounded genuinely angry, and Tom was at a loss for words, so he didn't say anything. Just nodded, and watched them leave. 

There was bruises. Faint things, but the skin around their wrists was rubbed raw. There was bandages too. Bloodied ones, in the bathroom bin - he'd noticed them while he was cleaning. Tom, not for the first time, had no idea what to say or how to help someone he loved more than himself, and the familiar guilt crept up on him like a disease. 

— — —

"Tom," Ada hissed, opening his bedroom door and poking her head in. He closed his laptop and took out his earpiece, turning to look. "We need you. Having a meeting. Clem's friend came."

Oh, shit. His heart started thumping in anticipation, but he tried to school his expression. Then he gave up, because Ada looked much the same.

"Is it bad?" He asked, while going down the stairs.

"I don't know," she replied, quietly.

It was bad.

"An assassin?"

Tom gaped at Clem, and Ali - the friend. Both were standing, and nodded grimly in unison. He looked at Ada, at Elene, on the couch beside him - and they both looked as shocked as he felt.

Clem spoke, quiet and low. Apologetic. "I didn't want to tell you earlier - in case I was wrong. Sorry."

A beat. Two. Then, "oh my god. I'm going to be sick."

Ada's eyes widened, and she started to move away but he made an anguished noise, throwing a hand out to catch her. "No, not really! I'm just - Calyx!"

The quiet that had settled over the living room was quickly replaced with tension as everyone was reminded of why exactly the assassin was relevant.

Ali spoke. "Look, we don't know if it's the same person for sure."

"We can pretty damn well guess!" The outburst came out louder than he expected, and he apologised, rubbing his forehead. Then, when everyone else stayed quiet, "why does it feel like I'm the only one losing my mind about this?"

He flinched away from Ada's squeeze on his shoulder. "I am too. This… isn't good."

Clem leaned on their sword. "We still need concrete evidence from Calyx - a confession, essentially."

A what? "They've not done anything wrong." Tom's tone turned dangerous, and for the first time in years, he itched to have a weapon in his hands. Though, looking at Clem's sword, maybe he'd be better off with a shield.

Thankfully, Clem's hands came up in surrender, placating. "No. That was a bad choice of word. We can help Calyx. We just need to find out for sure whether it's the same person, so we know who we're dealing with."

Ali piped up. "That's where I come in! I can, uh, compel them to say the truth? If you're saying that they've been reluctant to do."

Tom was quiet. He felt a little stunned by the whole thing.

"It's not going to be fun if they resist, because what we need requires a bit more… invasive-"

Protectiveness surged inside him and he cut them off. "Invasive? What does that mean?"

Ali's tone became strangely businesslike - like they were reading out of a textbook. "It means going into the parts of people's minds that they might have blocks up for."

"Does it hurt?"

"No. It's uncomfortable."

Tom made another pained noise and put his head in his hands. He thought of how strange Calyx had been. He thought of nights spent not knowing where they were. He thought of bruises and bloodied bandages. He thought of what happened to people who got distant, and felt his face crumple, though no tears came.

"Okay."

— — —

They were waiting for Calyx for when they walked in, but Tom felt too sick to focus. Were they really going to do this? To Calyx? His Calyx? He swallowed hard, reminding himself - there was no other way to do it, and if Calyx was hurting or getting hurt, they had to know, before something happened and they found out. Everything felt heavy. They were hurt. He'd let it happen for weeks. He couldn't stop this now, not when they were so close to actually getting them to say something. He was pacing, and he knew it was making Ada nervous, but he couldn't stop. Hell, it was making him more nervous, and he still couldn't stop.

Then - a sound outside. Tired steps on the gravel, Calyx dragging their feet to get inside. He sighed, steeling himself.

He was at the threshold of the kitchen door looking into the hallway when they walked in. He gripped the doorframe to mask his hands shaking, smiled at Calyx, who gave the briefest smile in return and started walking upstairs.

"Cee. Wait. C'mere."

They looked round, confused. "Why?"

"I - please? Just - it'll be quick."

They bit their lip, then nodded, hugging themselves. "Okay."

Tom followed them into the kitchen, so he saw how they froze when they saw everyone, caught their eyes when they spun around as he closed the door and stood against it. "Um. What's going on?"

Ali spoke up, and they turned to look at them. "Hey, um. Calyx? I'm Ali. I'm from Clem's - uh, group. Team? Camp?"

Clem looked over at them, an expression of mild amusement on their face. Ali caught their eye, then blushed and looked at the table, at their fingers winding together on it. "Sorry if this is a lot, but we have some questions for you. Do you want to sit down?"

Calyx looked at Tom, then back at Ali. Tom shrugged, hoping his worry wouldn't register on his face.

"I'm good standing." Their voice came out guarded. Tom was not used to hearing that tone from them.

"Oh - 'kay. So… we've been tracking this… assassin. For a while. We think you might - know something? About them?"

Calyx didn't say a word, though they froze when Ali said assassin. They moved to stand between Tom, still guarding the door and Ali, sitting at the table. They looked round at everyone else in the room, and laughed quietly, running a hand through their hair. Where it should've been a smooth motion though, Tom saw them grip and pull at it.

"What the hell? I don't - obviously I don't know anything? About - an assassin?"

Tom spoke, though he felt nauseous with every word. "Cee. You've been -"

They cut him off, spinning around to face him, anger rising in their voice. "Distant? I've been distant? I've been distant, so now I'm working with - a fucking assassin?" Their eyes widened after the outburst - they seemed just as shocked as he was that they'd yelled at him - and they took a step back.

Tom inhaled, then exhaled sharply. God, this was going badly. He looked at them, at the worry plain on their face. They had gone slightly pale. "Not working with."

Ali, again. "She's not just an assassin. She's really powerful, Calyx, and I think you know that. Can I just show you a picture?"

Their eyes widened, and they took a step back, away from Tom and Ali, backing themselves into an unoccupied corner of the kitchen. "No. No, I don't need to -"

They broke off, eyes fixing on a point Tom couldn't see. They seemed to tear their gaze away from it, then started talking again, but their eyes kept flicking away from him.

"Guys, I don't - I don't know anything. I don't. This is crazy." Then, quieter, seemingly to themselves, but Tom was close enough to hear it, "no, no, no, this isn't my fault, it isn't -"

Elene was watching them, across the room with Ada. "Calyx."

They looked up and caught her eye, looking slightly wild.

Elene's voice was calm and quiet, but clear. "I don't want to ask this. I don't want to ask this of you. Do you know what happened to my spellbook?"

They froze, and if Tom hadn't already known, this was more confirmation than he'd ever needed. Calyx paled, fixed to Elene's gaze. They hugged themselves, and shook their head. "No. No. Elene, I - I told you - I didn't - I haven't - guys, please. What's going on?"

Ada caught Tom's eye, and he knew that she'd seen the same confirmation. "We're trying to help you, Cee."

They snapped at her. "You can't, okay?" Then their tone shifted, desperation filling it. "Please don't do this. Don't do this." They were shaking, and they spoke quietly. "You don't know what you're doing. I'm - nothing's wrong. I'm just stressed."

Clem stepped forward, sword at their side. "Calyx. You aren't alone. Whatever's happening, whatever she's -"

"I don't know who she is!" It sounded like it was supposed to come out angry, or forceful, but it just came out desperate. Calyx's eyes were wide and searching, and they kept flicking between Tom and the empty space in the kitchen. He kept looking at it too, but couldn't figure out what on earth they were looking at.

Ali sighed, then pulled a photo out and put it on the table. "You've never seen this person-" They didn't need to finish the sentence. Calyx stared at it with wide eyes, their breath hitching in their throat.

"No." It was pretty obviously a lie. They couldn't stop looking at it.

"Oh, Calyx." Tom looked up at Ali, who had a pained expression on their face.

Tom didn't understand. He looked at Ada, who looked at him with a matching expression of horror and confusion to his own. Elene didn't look horrified, just confused, interested by the image. It was nothing compared to Calyx: they looked frozen, pale, scared. They seemed to see something in the photo.

There was nothing in the fucking photo.

Ali explained, looking at Calyx alone. Calyx did not seem to realise that they were doing that. "This isn't a normal photograph. You can only see the subject if you've already seen the subject."

Clem spoke, quiet and urgent. "I couldn't see her. After the fight, I could. I just didn't bring a copy of one of these photos with me - that's what I needed to get."

Oh, fuck.

Calyx looked horrified, and fully pale now. They took a step back, pressing themselves to the wall.

"No. I've never-"

Ali cut them off, and Tom tensed at the annoyance in their voice. "Calyx. Stop."

If Tom tensed, Calyx shrunk away from it, and he moved to hold them, to comfort them, but his heart sank when they flinched away from him too, wordlessly shaking their head.

"I just need to ask you one question, okay? Just one. Just a yes or no answer."

Calyx shook their head no. "Don't do this," they repeated, looking horrified at everyone around the room. When they landed on Tom, they didn't find what they wanted, and took a shaky breath before pressing their shaking palms to their eyes. "This isn't happening," they said, quietly. It came out loud in the otherwise silent room, and nobody else moved. "I was so good. I was so good."

Tom spoke quietly, ignoring the way his voice broke. "Calyx." They made a noise half between a whine and a whimper, and didn't move the hands covering their face. "Cee. Look at me. Star-"

They looked up then, eyes wild and wet with tears, and cut him off. "Don't say that. Don't let her hear that- " Then they flinched, from nothing at all, and apologised. Tom had the sudden, intense sensation that they weren't apologising to him. "I didn't say that. I don't know what I'm talking about. I have to go."

They started moving towards the door that Tom was still blocking, and he flushed with panic and grabbed their arm to stop them reaching for the handle. They pulled away like his touch burned them, a look of intense betrayal on their face.

Ali spoke again, quietly, behind Tom. "Okay. This isn't working."

Clem, voice low and dangerous. "Ali. Do not."

A pause, then Tom saw Ali slide the photo off the table. Calyx heard it too, and froze. "Calyx. Can you look at me?" Calyx did not move, looking at Tom with an unreadable expression. They stepped away from him, moving back into their corner. Tom did not follow, frozen to the ground in absolute disbelief.

Ali cursed under their breath, whispered something else, and when they spoke again, Tom's ears popped. "Calyx, do you know who this is?"

Calyx's eyes widened, and they clamped a hand over their own mouth, shaking their head no.

It was so obviously a yes. Tom could hardly breathe, couldn't believe that this was happening to Calyx.

Bandages. Bruises. Slow, wincing movements.

He asked, softly, not knowing what answer he wanted to hear, "has she ever hurt you?"

They looked at him. He looked back. Their hand came down, and they hugged themselves, half-crouched, making themselves smaller. Their nose was bleeding a little, but they didn't seem to notice, looking around at everyone, at the picture, at him. They looked so lost. So incredibly afraid.

"They know," they said, barely above a whisper, to no one at all. "They know. I'm sorry. What can I do?"

"Calyx?"

They looked at him, and an incredible mix of emotions crossed their face. They whispered, repeating his question, looking him right in the eye. "Has she ever hurt me?"

Tom couldn't breathe. Has she? I'll kill her.

"Yes," they breathed, nodding, and then they crumpled. Completely. They let out a quiet scream and stepped away, hitting the wall and sliding down it, arms coming up around themselves, head tucked down to make themselves as small as possible. It was one of the worst things he'd ever seen. He'd seen a lot, and this was horrible.

He dropped to the floor, trying to comfort them, but they pushed him away with shaking arms, scrambling further into the corner with a low whine.

"Don't. Don't." Then they flinched, shifting to the side in a sudden movement, as if moving away from something thrown at them - but there was nothing there.

They put their hands over their head again and started whispering, feverishly, "sorry, sorry, sorry, I'm sorry, please don't - please-"

It was just like their nightmare. Tom found himself wishing that this was just another nightmare.

He didn't touch them, but he spoke softly, "you don't have to hide anymore, Cee. I'm sorry it took this long."

They looked at him for a few moments, eyes searching his face for something, and Tom didn't know if they found it when they sighed. Their voice broke. "Tom. It's not your fault. I was - I was -" They cut themselves off, curling tighter into themselves.

Tom thought of the past few weeks? Months? All the times he'd noticed Calyx zoning out and walking out of rooms, all the nightmares, all the nights away. "What? You can tell me."

They stared at him as if confused by the notion, then let out a quiet noise, putting their face in their hands. "I don't think I want to tell you." Then, "God. She's going to kill me."

He saw red, and he felt the tension in the room shift as everyone saw the same. "No. No, she won't. You're safe now, okay? You're home."

"Mm. Like that's ever stopped her." They shifted on the floor, bit their lip when they looked round at everyone again, then looked back at Tom before lifting their jumper, showing only him a section of their stomach, and if Tom had already felt angry, he was incandescent now. Bruises. Bruises, and cuts, and scratches, and fucking bootprints? Tally marks?

"Calyx. What the fuck?"

They laughed wetly, dropping the jumper back down and hitting their head against the wall, hands curling around their torso to hug themselves again. "I don't even know, Tom. I don't fucking know."

"How'd it get this bad?"

Guilt was plain on their face, and he wanted to reach out and touch the wounds, use magic he didn't have to heal them.

"I don't know. I'm sorry."

"Don't apologise. Not your fault. Calyx -" His voice broke. "I'm sorry."

Clem cleared their throat. Tom and Calyx both looked up, and saw that they had their fists clenched. Calyx shrunk closer to him, and he opened his arms wider to accomodate. He didn't think Clem would hurt them. Calyx didn't know that.

Clem dropped to a knee, and Calyx's breathing hitched in their throat. Tom held their wrists, let them hold his.

"I'm sorry. I didn't want it to happen like this."

Calyx eyed them warily, and took a shaky breath, eyes flicking over Clem's shoulder. "You know her? You know what you're dealing with?"

"A little."

"Right." Calyx laughed then, quietly, and Tom knew that laugh. Dizzy with fear and adrenaline. He never thought he'd hear Calyx do it. "So you know how badly I'm fucked, right?"

Clem paled. "My services are yours, Calyx Ambrosia. All the forces I can give you. We can move you somewhere, protect you."

The laugh again. It made Tom's hairs stand on end. "Sure. Fuck."

"I am sorry. Can I just ask you one more question?"

"The more I tell you, the worse it gets. I think. I mean, she's -" they laughed, softly, eyes flicking to the point behind Tom and back. "She's pretty pissed off already."

Clem clenched their jaw. "Okay. I understand. It's just - her name."

"Oh. Oh." Calyx repeated it quietly, barely more than a whisper, "her name." Then, a little louder, not shifting their gaze from the point behind Tom, "do you know it?"

"She told me - that night - to call her K."

"Oh." Calyx deflated, and buried their face in their hands. "Fuck."

"Is that not-"

"No. It is." Calyx flinched, and Tom felt rather than saw everyone in the room shifted out of sheer protectiveness. Calyx spoke quietly, voice muffled by their hands. "I just thought you'd have more of it."

Clem let out a long, sharp sigh, and Calyx looked up, afraid.

"That is our failure. Listen to me, Calyx. I was assigned to this mission months ago, and in the presence of more pressing matters, my services now shift to protecting you."

"As do mine." Ali didn't drop to a knee, but they spoke seriously, with gravity to it. "I am sorry for the spell. Truly. Even though you resisted it. That was - honestly sort of impressive of you."

Calyx eyed them suspiciously, but nodded mutely, their eyes drifting to the point behind Tom. He couldn't help himself anymore and looked again, but there was nothing there. A cold dread filled him.

"Cee?"

"Mm?"

"What are you looking at?"

They looked at him, looked back, then whispered without looking at him, "when I said she's pissed. She's sort of here. Now. In my head, but here. And oh. She is - not happy. I am so fucked."

All the blood drained from his face. Clem clenched their jaw and got up, armour clinking in the silence, and they started talking, started giving orders, started speaking to Elene about the protection spells that she'd suggested casting on Calyx, on the house, but Calyx didn't move, still pressed to the wall, so Tom didn't either.

"She's gone," they whispered, finally relaxing after what felt like an age of sitting on the floor of the kitchen. He brushed away a strand of hair from their face, biting his lip when they shivered at his touch.

"God, you're sweating," he whispered.

"I'm terrified, Tommy," they whispered back.

They clutched him like a lifeline. For once, he realised, he might actually be one.

---

taglist: @whump-is-love-whump-is-life, @morning-star-whump, @cepheusgalaxy, @inhurtandincomfort @days-on-the-road

~~~

port has the most pathetic superiority complex. proud to be the number one most whipped and obedient boy! he doesn’t only justify his own suffering— he justifies sonny’s suffering, too. how many times has he stood by, watching sonny get hurt, with a remorseful look on his face like it’ll absolve him of his inaction? he's guilty. he would rather distance himself from his sins than take responsibility 100% of the time. he believes in god but doesn’t pray. he’s failed to protect sonny. he’s failed to protect anyone. he’s failed at his entire fucking life!!!!! he doesn’t even know how to read and yet he still thinks he knows what’s best for everybody (he doesn’t). he’s scared to die. AND he’s a liar.

sonny is a spineless pussy that won’t hesitate to compromise his own dignity. he will LITERALLY lick people’s boots. he makes himself easy to hurt and it’s usually his fault. he’ll cling to any sort of kindness even if they treat him as subhuman because he’s so desperate for it. he’ll overlook anyone’s sins if they just act like they care about him. he prays to god but isn’t sure he believes in him. he avoids thinking about things that upset him because he’s fragile inside. he gets sick to his stomach missing his old master and it’s the same guy who gave him up over a card game lmao. he’s always been disposable. he relies on port too much. he thinks of him a brother but also wants to lick him. pick one bro.

~~~

port is disciplined. he’s reliable. he’s resilient. he knows how to back down when he needs to and he knows how to stand up when it matters. they’re still alive, aren’t they? he has a strong protective instinct. he loves sonny like a brother. he was dealt a tough hand in life. every single person that was ever supposed to protect him has failed him. still, he’s determined to live. he hasn’t survived this long by being stupid. he craves connection so badly— it’s just hard to open up. sometimes the truth hurts too much to speak out loud.