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i just know this is going nowhere. i don’t actually see myself in 20 years with this man, I can’t even guarantee 5 years.

he just doesn’t understand me. doesn’t do enough. not driven enough. stagnant. painfully cis and hetero and white. that fact was once so attractive to me and now it’s just so fucking annoying. opposites attract, but only if thr magnetic field is strong enough. if the magnetism is weak, the opposites will recoil.

this is the recoiling. i’m having more and more trouble lately with deciding which of my feelings are worth explaining in layers to him, and i continue to deduce a pyrrhic victory, so i abstain. it’s exhausting. the beauty of having a partner and someone that gets you is someone that knows. you just look at them and they know and you know. …he doesn’t know. we have so little in common now. mostly the dog. ok, primarily the dog. some tv shows. good food. but that’s about it.

we’re not lovers. we don’t make love. we don’t fuck. we don’t cuddle. we don’t even put our tongues in the other’s mouth. we pop-kiss and hug and punch each other’s butt and bite knees and arms. we’re comfortable roommates that share a king-sized bed with a dog between us.

we haven’t had sex in months, not once since 2023 began. last year we had sex maybe 3 times. the year before that maybe 4. the year prior, maybe 6. and then 2019 was when we met and fucked like rabbits. but maybe we got it all out of us? idk. oh, right, i wanted to get kinkier and he wasn’t interested. i literally wanted anal because of enjoyment with past partners—he would get flustered and unenthused about my proposition. somehow how i got the moronic cisgender straight man that opposed their hot girlfriend begging for anal sex with toys at the ready so many times, she finally rued the constant painful and embarrassing rejection. i just remembered it took him over a year to ever eat me out, which also came after maaaaanyyyy conversations and practically begging…when i remember these things, i remember why the flame went out.

strange that i had more and better sex when i was single. but toxic sex with emotionally unavailable guys was like heroin in my early twenties. such a great high until reality comes crashing down.

i’m just not attracted to him anymore. he doesn’t look like he did when we first met—and neither do i—but i’m still hot. he buzzes his salt and pepper head every 10 days so it’s always just partially grown out, wears the same shitty Dahmer-esque black nerd glasses from four years ago, solely works out his arms and nothing else which does nothing for his strange, flabby physique, has spaced out yellow teeth that he rarely brushes, a disheveled overgrown black, grey, white, and red beard with a matching unkempt red handlebar mustache that he twists with his fingers every few minutes.

he doesn’t do anything that inspires romance. any time he does refer to sex, it’s as a half-assed joke. he has accepted that i’m not interested and believes he’s done “everything” to make advances, even though i can list a dozen things he hasn’t done. simple gestures that men in the 80s could’ve done.

rent a hotel room and have rose petals and candles. fuck renting, he could literally set it up at home. a picnic with my favorite snacks. a planned scavenger hunt. things that don’t even cost a lot, just takes a semblance of time and thought and consideration. but that doesn’t happen.

he just plays video games in his self-described “office” (see: man-cave with PC and mountain of beer cans and whiskey bottles) from ~10am till midnight or 3am or 4am on nights where he has the next day off. he’ll pop out to stretch his legs every few hours and uses that opportunity to “check” on me and the dog. when we try to watch stuff together at night after his full day of gaming, he falls asleep within the first 10 minutes of a program. and that’ll be the extent of us spending time together. pathetic.

i keep thinking about noah. andrei. my two favorite past lovers. noah and i are meant to be together in another universe. just the memory of our escapades causes involuntary kegels. the other night i had a sex dream about him and feared i said his name in my sleep with E right next to me…

i’ve been in restless and relentless spring cleaning mode all week: got rid of the growing black mold in both showers, went grocery shopping, deep-cleaned and reorganized the fridge, reorganized the cabinets and drawers in the kitchen, dusted and swept the house, watered the plants…and he offered to help when i would nearly complete a task 🙄

i’m just so sick of him tbh. i have no desire to even pretend we’ll be together in the future. three and half years has been enough. i need to end it.

but the thought of moving and finding a roommate stresses. me. out. i wish i could just live alone in this house, but it’s too big for one person. ah, the common plight of those in a cohabitation…ending it with ease and with little expense. surely i’ll have to snag a second job to afford living alone. can’t determine if living with a partner is cheaper than living single since i pay for everything 🤪 that just means the transition shouldn’t upend me financially…can’t say the same for him. can’t wait to say that’s no longer my problem. ok it’s settled. i need to do it. i need to find somewhere else to live and save up and get a second job and get everything squared away to move. i can do it. i’ve done well on my own and will continue to do so.