Journal

I just... Speechless.

I don't really know why you hate me. We were friends, you were shitty to the people I thought were my friends, so I ended my friendship with you. You've got a lot of shit to work out. We all do. But please, don't exhaust yourself hating me. It's not worth it. Goodbye forever.

Lordy lord I could say so much. But for every time I was there for you, you talked shit behind my back about me twice. Behind every smile was jealousy and hatred. I wish you hadn't faked it. Because I genuinely cared. It was a great 10+ year run. Goodbye, this time forever.

LOL. We only ever acted like friends because we were roommates. I genuinely liked you, but I now know that you never felt the same way. It's ok, I just wish you hadn't pretended, hadn't talked shit behind my back. Hasn't faked caring. But it doesn't matter anymore. Goodbye

I realize now that you were an absolute shit friend. I initiated every single plan ever. Oh, you never initiate plans. Fine, whatever. But when I was down, really down, did you text? Call? Check up on me? Did you ever once ask me how I was? Sure, you texted. I was in the depths of my depression and you texted me asking for the $5 I owed you. Honestly, fuck you and your superiority complex and fake humility. You never did anything to show you cared about me in the least. Goodbye, forever.

I have so much to say. So much to fucking say. My emotions have been wild since Sunday for very, very specific reasons. I'm not perfect, I know I'm not perfect, I work hard every single fucking day to be a better person. But if there's one thing I know about myself, it's that I care. I care so damn much. I worried about you, I cried for you, I was there for you. Cut me off, don't talk to me, fine. But to deny that I was there for you? To deny that I cared? To claim that all I ever was was a bitch? No. False. I cared so motherfucking much. I wanted you to succeed in college so much. I gave up TWO friendships because they got between our friendship. I let two people go for you. It's funny. Because I thought I mattered to you. I thought you cared about me, about our friendship. I realize now that you never gave a single fucking shit about me, about our friendship, about my problems. You thought that because you were depressed, you were having trouble, that you had it way worse than anyone and that you deserved all the attention in the world. I needed a friend. And you weren't there for me. Yeah, I'm fucking sad. You and your other friend reminded me that I'm a shitty fucking human being who let too much of the people who raised me invade my personality. But I cared. I cared so much. I cried for you, stayed up late into the night for you. What'd you do for me? You made fun of me for stupid little things about myself that I can't and won't change. You brought me down. You didn't care. You're so fucking cold and it took me so long to see it. I exhausted myself trying to build you up, trying to help you succeed. I considered you my best friend here. While you made fun of me for fucking eating salad. Actually, thank you. Because of you I will be more cautious about who I waste time on. Goodbye for fucking ever.

The day I'll be getting back into my routine!! Can't wait to get back to school & KILL IT.

But I'm working on changing that!! It's gonna be great!

Starting hydroxycut on the 3rd & when I get back to school I'll really be able to get into healthy habits. I get ridiculously, deliriously happy when I think about a few months from now when I'm losing weight and this Summer. I will feel more CONFIDENT and BEAUTIFUL than ever this year, I can feel it.

Has been crazy -graduating -starting college -losing both my grandparents -Trump being elected

I've struggled so much with religion. Islam, Judaism, Christianity. ITS THE SAME GOD. Can they not co-exist? Well, I decided I'm a Christian. God is God to me, and Jesus is God to me. I just fear I'm not being authentic. Do I really believe what I believe? There are no simple answers in this world.

College is so crazy and weird and kinda what I expected. Just helped my drunk friend get in bed & heard the story of her sexual assault. I don't really know what to say that will help. So many late nights like this. Do I love it or do I hate it? Both & nether