slouching towards taejeon

Signed, sealed, delivered — I’m an initiated practitioner of Jeung San Do, a duly-ratified disciple of Jeung-san Sangjenim and Taemo Go Subunim. At long last, the byline of slouching towards taejeon has been changed from ‘blog of a Jeungsanist catechumen’ to simply read ‘blog of a Jeungsanist’.

That’s me up there, yesterday morning at the dojang, receiving the dao transmission of the two most important mantras in Jeung San Do; a short time after standing with my right hand raised to make the initiation pledge — vowing among other things to chant the Taeeulju Mantra every day as well as offering cheongsu (clean water) and doing pogyo i.e. spreading the teachings. After nearly three months of continuous effort I am finally, officially, a worker in Sangjenim’s dao. As I’ve detailed here it certainly wasn’t an easy, carefree experience, but the payoff was worth it. One lifelong journey has ended and another one has begun.

I woke up early yesterday. Thanks to my brother’s careless machinations I had a difficult time getting to sleep, so my first inclination upon getting up at 7am was to figure out if I had time to go back to sleep. Of course, I didn’t. In the 2004 edition of the Dojeon, Taemonim says that “to study for the great work, one has to defeat the demon of sleep, demon spirits, and vengeful spirits” (Dojeon 11:62:1) and defeating the demon of sleep is sometimes a struggle for me on Sundays. But barnwork had to be done and, of course, it was no ordinary Sunday! We’ve switched the horses to their summer schedule of being in the barn during the day and out in the fields at night, which meant for the first time thus far we had to bring the horses in then feed them, as opposed to our hitherto usual practice of me feeding the horses in their stalls and then going up to the house to change while they get put out. It went smoothly though and I had enough time to shower, change, and smoke a couple cigarettes before we left around 9.

I had to smoke a couple cigarettes because I was so nervous. I had been led to believe I would be making an offering of cheongsu during the initiation ceremony and I thought there were a thousand ways that could go wrong. I was nervous about getting into a car accident on the way there, as well as the prospect of slipping, falling, or collapsing on the polished dojang floor. I was concerned about suddenly forgetting the chants on the spot, or fucking up the initiation pledge. In a word, I was worried. But we arrived on time a half hour before the chiseong was set to begin and everyone was happy to see me. The three main altars in the sanctuary (for Sangjenim, Taemonim, and the Taesang Jongdosanim) were decked out with offerings of fruit and beer and there were two large tables set out with offerings for the spirits and ancestors. The hearty smell of seaweed soup permeated the air. I changed into my dao uniform, fitting the top and pants over the clothes I was already wearing. The pants fit alright but the shirt was obviously too small — not unbearably so, but it was noticeable.

My girlfriend beamed in from Mexico over Zoom, my parents and aunt were there, and my two friends (+ the boyfriend of one of them) arrived just before the service began. My father was sceptical that my friends, who he thinks treat me poorly, would show up but I had faith that they would and was subsequently vindicated. The service was unlike a typical Sunday chiseong: there were numerous set offerings instead of just one, we only chanted the Sicheonjuju and Taeeulju Mantras instead of the typical set of five, there was a lengthy liturgical section in Korean during which my name was said twice, and after the other practitioners chanted the mantras for me I had to chant them myself, solo, over 40 times. I also stood up and made my initiation pledge, and formally received both mantras from Teacher Seok — although one of the scrolls was the Jinaekju Mantra, which as the Essence Mantra contains the Sicheonjuju, because it turns out the dojang didn’t have a scroll for just the Sicheonjuju Mantra.

After the chiseong was over and I was officially a disciple I was gifted a bouquet of flowers and we took pictures of me with the teachers, with my family, and with my friends. My aunt and mother left to go tend to my grandfather, but my father and I, and my friends, remained to sit around a table and eat the now-blessed food which had been offered to the deities and spirits. Neither I nor my father ate much (the food was a touch too authentic and, moreover, heavy on the seafood) but my guests made up for it by trying all the foods, or voraciously devouring them in the boyfriend’s case. Everyone made pleasant conversation while I listened and basked or, as well, went out to smoke a cigarette. I also sat on the front steps with one of my two friends and smoked after she stepped out to hit her vape. She and I have a complicated psychosexual relationship and I hadn’t seen her in nearly four months, so it was nice.

Eventually my friends left, a little while after Teacher Seok and I stepped into the atrium to discuss next steps (this is only the beginning of a new journey!), and I finally scooped up my own personal copy of the Dojeon. Teacher Seok had said in a last-rehearsal phone call on either Friday or Saturday that since he’d ordered the newest version of the Dojeon too late from Korea it wouldn’t be here for a couple weeks, and that I could just borrow one of the older editions used at the dojang until it arrived. Honestly since I was so hugely looking forward to having my own copy of the Dojeon that had been disappointing to hear — so I was surprised and delighted when the pojungnim produced a copy of the most recent 2016 translation from the basement. It is beautiful, and considerably thicker than the ones used at the dojang, with a lengthy introduction as well as commentary and endnotes. With this in hand, after final goodbyes, we left.

And later had to turn back around and go back 30 minutes later when my father realised he’d left his phone.

Because of that we didn’t get to eat at Joongmi, the excellent Korean restaurant I’d been longing to go back to, and we were subsequently famished when eating dinner at my grandparents’ that evening. To my great joy however my father took me there today and we had lunch — we ordered the exact same meals that we had the first time we visited like two months ago, and it was just as hearty and delicious now as then.

It was great to have (most) all my loved ones there; the only comparable event to this in my religious life, with family and friends attending, was nearly five years ago at my ordination as a Liberal Catholic priest. This momentous event — the final conversion in a lifetime of them — was similarly fitting to have everyone attend and I’m glad that they did. The pojungnim remarked that it was unusual, but welcome, to have so many guests attend an initiation, saying that at the last few initiations the initiates had brought themselves and no others. I was even more gratified upon hearing this. And of course there were other guests: my ancestors! Yes the ancestors were there in spades for me, the recipients of a fine table of offerings, as they saw decades of hard work and accumulated virtue pay off with one of their descendants being initiated into the dao — and providing them with a lifeline through Gaebyeok and into the Dragon Flower Paradise. Thinking of my deceased grandparents watching me, taking part in the festivities, makes the experience that much more special.

Although initiation into Jeung San Do is not centred around the forgiveness of sins, as I think I’ve discussed here before Sangjenim does indeed forgive all the sins of your life (and possibly previous lives?) once you initiate. The remission of sins was a major element of what drove me towards Mormonism and even though that impulse subsided a little with my descent into Jeungsanism I can’t understate the relief of forgiveness. Putting aside the fact that I’ve done things of which I am ashamed, I can see this as the occasion it is to live a more righteous, dao-centred life; ensuring that during Gaebyeok my heart doesn’t explode and my bones don’t twist through my skin. I’ve always been both mean and lazy but now I have a priceless opportunity to turn over a new leaf.

He continued, “When your legs hurt, it is better to keep walking rather than remaining crouched. You should undertake your work in this same way. Being daunted by a task is just a matter of a lack of guts. If you want to accomplish something great, you should not be concerned with saving your own life. If you worry about trivial matters, you cannot achieve your goal.”

— Dojeon 5:269:7-8

Everything is ready.

I’ve wrapped up the first course of study, written my essay, finished the seven days’ meditation, memorised all five of the necessary mantras, read the entire Dojeon, offered the required cash, passed the final exam, and completed the initiation paperwork; not to mention attending chiseong 10 out of 11 Sundays. Barring some kind of horrific event I’m all set to be initiated this Sunday on the 17th — assuming I make it unscathed to the time and place; fingers-crossed!

It hasn’t been an expeditious or easy process. When I’m initiated it will have been just over two and a half months since I re-connected with Teacher Seok and attended my first chiseong in half a decade. During the course of those two and a half months I’ve worked more diligently than I have ever worked before to join a new religion — and that includes my several lengthy sojourns with the Latter-day Saints. The sum total of the efforts listed in the above paragraph is far beyond anything I’ve done before. The Dojeon is 2x the length of the Book of Mormon, which I never read more than about 2/3rds of during my time as an LDS aspirant. The amount of money I’ve given to cover initiation and associated costs has been four times more than I gave for the two other conversions that had price tags, Judaism and Happy Science. I’ve spent a great many hours chanting or practicing chanting.

None of this is to say oh, woe is me. I was and am happy to commit the time and effort to do all of those things. The hours studying Teacher Seok’s 300-slide PowerPoint were not in vain, nor was a single red cent of the $400 I squeezed out of a stone wasted. I have done all of these things because I really am convinced that this is the end of my spiritual journey, the culmination of the arcing story which began at my birth. I’ve said it before but this time I mean it more than anyone could possibly know, and for the final religion after a buffet of fourteen there is no cost too great — no barrier too high. Over this formative time I had my doubts. I doubted whether I could fluently memorise all these Korean mantras. I doubted whether I really wanted to be a Jeungsanist instead of a Miriamic Jew, Creator, or Sarvasahōdaravādin. I doubted whether we’d be able to scrape up the money. I doubted whether I could survive the 7 days’ meditation.

But eventually all those doubts passed with the night, or proved to be groundless.

Now to be sure, the 7 days’ meditation were not some of my finest moments. Although originally the plan was for a full week of abstinence from drugs and nicotine, after a near nervous breakdown the first day I called Teacher Seok and he mercifully pared it back to only the last couple days. Even so, I broke the food-based prohibitions twice (both on accident), ended up expelling my qi twice (on purpose, but much to my shame), and although I definitely smoked many less cigarettes than usual during the last 2-3 days I certainly didn’t smoke zero at any point. Still, I lasted three whole days without weed at the end, meditated and attended chiseong over Zoom every day except for Sunday when I attended in-person, and significantly restricted what Teacher Seok called my ‘guilty pleasures’ even if I never got to zero for the whole week. All in all not bad; the pojungnim said that I had much to be proud of.

Privately I was convinced, although I never would’ve aired the sentiment, that the Cheonjibulju Mantra would be a stone bitch to memorise. Confidence is key for the workers of Sangjenim’s dao and the new mantra was even a few syllables shorter than the previous one — but the unlike the Jinaekju Mantra, which as a compilation of five mantras had a couple lines I already knew, all but one line of the Cheonjibulju Mantra were totally new to me. I resisted practicing it for a couple days while I worked with my teacher on writing and revising my essay; I didn’t want have to focus on two things at once. After listening to pojungnim Seok’s recording of it enough times to phonetically correct the written version he sent me (transliterated Korean has an annoying habit of not being pronounced quite as-written) I started practicing an hour a day once more. It was admittedly slow going. Then he told me I’d have to memorise it by the coming Tuesday, when I was due to go in to take the exam and do paperwork, instead of by the 17th’s initiation ceremony like I had originally thought.

Yikes!

I started busting my ass, practicing for at least two hours a day and skipping family functions in order to stay home and chant. At first I had to listen to it and read along with the written text while I chanted, then gradually I was able to just chant along to the recording without referencing the text, and then finally I was able to chant it without either one — inscribing it into my memory by chanting freestyle for nearly two hours after finally weaning myself off of the recording. I finally got it down this past Sunday night (ahead of schedule once again!) in time to finally chant along to the entire service on the following day, the last of the 7 days’ meditation. All that was left was to go in, take the test, then depending on the results I’d offer the money and fill out the initiation paperwork or… go home, I guess. The consequences of failing the test were never spelled out.

After I arrived yesterday Teacher Seok gave me an hour to complete the test. It was seven questions, required detailed written answers, and was open book with reference to the Dojeon (one was provided + I could use the online one if so desired). Instead of leaving me to my own devices the pojungnim was crafty — telling me I’d never be able to answer the questions, sitting by me and reading the classifieds aloud from a Korean newspaper, and also giving gentle hints on a question I didn’t know the complete answer to. After about 45 minutes and only referencing the Dojeon 2x I ended up getting a 86%. None of my answers were entirely wrong per se but I ended up getting a few demerits for not being detailed enough, and for giving an answer that was technically correct but still not exactly what he was looking for. An 86% certainly isn’t bad (it’s a B+ after all) but for being only seven questions and open book I think I could’ve done a little better. The other teacher seemed to think Teacher Seok was being a touch exacting though, so maybe 86% is a soft percentage.

Either way, it’s a passing grade! After grading my exam he gave me the initiation paperwork, I filled it out, he gave it the final signature, then I put the $400 in an envelope and formally offered it at the three altars (one each for Sangjenim, Taemonim, and the Taesang Jongdosanim), and placed my initiation paperwork on Taemonim’s altar since yesterday was her incarnation day according to the lunar calendar. Teacher Seok took a passport-style photo of me for Jeung San Do’s records, both he and the other teacher clapped and congratulated me, and we were all set for this Sunday. The $400 covered the $300 initiation fee, $50 for a copy of the Dojeon upon said initiation, and half the cost of my ‘dao uniform’ on order from Korea, with the other half to be paid later. I was just informed today that the uniform has arrived, too, so that’ll be ready to go in time. The pojungnim ordered the largest size they had available in deference to my tall and heavyset stature, but given how much bigger I am than your average Korean I’m a little nervous it’ll still be too small; even though he has assured me it will fit.

One last task before initiation. It’s not a requirement, insofar as I’ll still be able to get initiated if I don’t get it done before Sunday, but I think it necessary and Teacher Seok agrees; namely parting ways with the Liberal Catholic jurisdiction with whom I’m presently an ordained priest in good standing. This grieves me to have to do, as this jurisdiction has been a welcoming and able spiritual home for me even through all my wandering since joining, but scripture is clear on this point. Speaking of the disciple Bahk Gong-ooh, who had attended a meeting of a political organisation he used to belong to before following Sangjenim, the Dojeon tells us: Knowing this, Sangjenim later said, “Be careful. The bodies of those with two minds will split, and the necks of those with two loads on one shoulder will break.” It then goes on to say that Gong-ooh “severed ties with the association once and for all.” (Dojeon 1:145:3-4)