DeerDays

Let's not sexualize children or even think of children & sexual stuff

Don't discuss sexual stuff with CHILDREN.

They cannot consent.

Children cannot consent and I dont know how many times we have to tell you this.

sex education ≠ sexual abuse

sex education ≠ child endangerment

HOWEVER

sex education = increased safety through knowledge

sex education = decrease in teen pregnancy

sex education = decrease in spread of sexually transmitted diseases

The average age for puberty to start is 11-12, but it is normal for puberty to begin between the ages of 8 and 14. Puberty is only considered 'too early' by doctors and delayed with puberty blockers if a girl is 7 or a boy is 8. And while not everyone experiences sexual arousal in the first years of puberty, quite a lot of kids do.

So, as deeply uncomfortable as it makes adults: some 11 year olds have already been getting horny for 3 or 4 years. And while their first explorations of that feeling often happen alone, some of that hornyness will drive those kids to seek out others to experiment.

So without information, that 11 year old may end up having sex with another kid and may get pregnant. That 11 year old may sexually assault a younger kid, not out of malice but out of simply not knowing that you should not do this to others. The idea that these things will not happen if we don't tell kids about sex is patently false.

Okay. I'm trained in this.

You need to be providing age-appropriate sexual education to children from as young as you possibly can.

When kids are really young this looks like "Yes, that's mummy's vagina. Please leave the bathroom because it is rude to be in the bathroom while mummy is using the toilet. Mummy is placing her boundary, sweetheart, and you need to respect that."

"Yes, daddy does have something different to mummy. What daddy has is called a penis. Yes (mummy/daddy's penis/vagina) is the same as you."

You will notice here that I use the anatomical terms for these body parts. That is for a reason. It helps your child if something does happen better be able to disclose, exactly, what has happened to them. You do not want your child trying to disclose using words such as "secret pocket" or "hidden flower" or "willie" as this can obfuscate meaning. Imagine, if you will, Maisie trying to disclose that Coach Asshole touched her sexually by saying "Coach Asshole stuck his stick into my secret pocket," to a teacher or family friend who does not know that those words are euphemisms. Maisie has tried to disclose, but has been unsuccessful because she does not have the language that she needs.

Now, next.

Children, especially girls, can start going through puberty young. Like, really young. I have taught 9 year olds who menstruate. We need to be teaching these children about their bodies. We need to be teaching boys about the bodies of people who menstruate. There is so much misinfomation amongst grown cismen about menstruation because they are not taught it in school.

We also need to teach children about consent and bodily autonomy from as young as possible. This sets them up that even if they do, unfortunately, suffer abuse of this form they are vocal in their protestations and are more likely to disclose than children who have been taught to accept that adults can do whatever they want to a child's body. Granny kissing little Maisie on the cheek doesn't look that different to Coach Asshole calling his girls at gymnastics "Special girls" and kissing/touching them inappropriately, especially to a child (who, usually, have a much less refined emotional radar and both will cause them to shut down and just accept what is happening. You want your kid to be able to say "No, what you are doing/did to my body is wrong.")

So.

How should adults behave around children?

Firstly - my golden rule of interacting with children is If you have nothing to hide, don't hide anything.

This means when you are interacting with children you always do so in an area where you will easily be visible if another adult happens to walk by. No closed doors, try to minimise rooms without windows, have another adult present.

The reason you are doing this is to make it flag as strange and unusual to a child if an adult tries to get them alone. Safe adults do not do that. By making sure you are transparent in your behaviour, the child is more likely to flag something being wrong when someone is not transparent. You are equipping the child with skills to protect themselves.

They will also be more likely to disclose to another adult that an adult was trying to get them alone.

Secondly - No secrets.

(There is a little bit of an exception to this rule but to begin with, no secrets.)

This leads back to transparency. A safe adult will not ask a child to keep a secret from another adult. If Uncle Jeff is telling Nancy to keep "our little secret" when he gives her extra dessert, then Nancy is prone to believe that keeping a secret from another adult is something she's supposed to do when Uncle Scumbucket asks her to keep his inappropriate fondling of her as "our little secret." Children who see secrets as unusual are more likely to disclose that an adult told them to keep something a secret.

This is also important as grooming usually starts as "we need to keep you getting this special treat as our little secret." Uncle Jeff giving Nancy more icecream out of the goodness of his heart looks a lot like Uncle Scumbucket giving Nancy candy and lollies and extra screentime in an effort to get her to like him and Uncle Scumbucket's secrets are going to move on to "Sit on my lap today, honey, but don't tell your mother. Remember, this is our little secret." And eventually to Uncle Scumbucket asking Nancy to keep sexual activities as "our little secret."

You do not want children thinking that safe adults keep secrets.

Thirdly - this ties in a little with secondly but Teach your child the difference between a safe secret and an unsafe secret.

If you are unsure of the difference yourself -

A safe secret:

Does not hurt anybody by the keeping of it, including yourself.

Is usually accompanied by a feeling of excitement

Has an end date where everyone will become aware of the contents of the secret.

A safe secret is a surprise birthday party, a camping trip, a surprise trip to disneyworld, pizza!

An unsafe secret:

Can hurt someone and can hurt to keep

Is accompanied by a feeling of nervousness or dread or shame

does not have an end date. The secret is ongoing.

You can see how Uncle Scumbucket's secret is unsafe, but also how Uncle Jeff's secret is unsafe because Uncle Jeff's secret does not have an end date. Uncle Jeff's secret is unsafe because it is priming Macy to see Uncle Scumbucket's secret as reasonable, which leads back to the grooming discussed above.

Lastly, and this is very important -

'Protecting' children from having access to sexual education actually does them an injustice.

We do not live in a perfect world.

Bad things can and do happen to children, with depressing frequency. Get me drunk sometime and I'll tell you what I'm legally allowed to disclose of the stories where terrible shit has happened to children I have cared for.

Pretending that they don't happen means that if they do happen, children are unable to recognise and respond appropriately. You are making your child less equipped to protect themselves, not more.

Children who are taught age-appropriate sexual education from a young age are so much less likely to be in a situation of sexual violence than those who are not taught age-appropriate sexual education. Children who are taught age-appropriate sexual education are more likely to disclose if something does happen to them, than children who are not.

Protect your kids.

I learned the basics of sex Ed from a book specifically for elementary schoolers. It was fine. I wasn’t scarred. I thought it was hilarious. And you know what I did? I went and told every kid on the block.

Sometimes it feels like some people want minors to go through life completely unaware that sex exists until they hit the magic number of 18, whereupon they will somehow be bestowed all sex knowledge that they need and surely they will turn out well adjusted to the idea.

I also came across porn the same month because upon asking what sex is, my mum answered with "have you ever seen how animals do it? well humans do it the same way". Which was utterly useless as an answer, so I googled it, thought porn was an accurate representation, and had sex way too early as a result.

pokecola 🥤

therapistaid has many, many worksheets for skills from dbt and even a self care assesment!

cbt worksheets from psychologytools.

coping skills for anger, managing difficult thoughts, getting better sleeping habits, etc.

mental health resources for kids & teens.

DBT skills training (pdf)

DBT skills workbook (pdf)

wysa app offers a wide range of skills, from a personalized AI chat where you can vent to a compilation of your emergency contacts. (only available on google play as of feb 2021)

sanvello app (google play + app store) allows you to track your progress, identify which self care habits you need to improve and guives you monthly reports of your overall state.

site for when you can only remember part of a word/its definition 

site that gives you words that rhyme with a word

Or how to write believable bar and nightclub scenes. I often find myself helping friends with their WIPs and often it as a bartender, I find myself having to correct them on bar and mixology terminology. So here's my quick guide to keeping your lingo on the straight and narrow.

Terminology

DASH/SPLASH: a drop of a mixer such as juice or flavouring.

MIXER: non alcholic beveraged served with the measure of alcohol in the same glass.

NEAT: Plain, without any addition of ice or a mixture. Just the alcohol.

ON THE ROCKS: Served over Ice.

STRAIGHT UP: The cocktail is chilled with ice and strained into a glass with no ice

DIRTY – if somebody asks for a dirty martini, you add olive juice, the more juice the dirtier it is

DRY- A dry martini includes a drop of vermouth and an extra dry martini contains a drop of scotch swirled in the glass and drained before adding the gin

BACK – a ‘back’ is a drink that accompanies an alcholic beverage such as water or Coke, but isn't mixed.

GARNISH – something added to a drink such as a lime or lemon or orange.

TWIST - a twist is literally a twist of fruit skin in the drink.

BITTERS – a herbal alcoholic blend added to cocktails.

RIMMED - the glass is coated in salt or sugar to enhance the taste.

VIRGIN- non alcoholic

MOCKTAIL- a virgin cocktail

DOUBLE - Two measures of the same alcohol in the same glass. A bartender can only legally serve a double in the same glass. They cannot serve you a triple.

Equipment

COCKTAIL SHAKER - it is a metal cup that fits into a glass, used to shake the components of your drink together with ice to chill it.

STRAINER- used to seperate ice in the shaker from the liquid within as you pour it into the glass.

MEASURES- these are little metal cylinders meant to measure out the pours of the alcohol. You pour the alcohol from the bottle into the measure and then put it into the glass. It's imperative that the right measure goes into the glass or the drink will taste of shit.

BAR SPOON – a long spoon meant to mix the drink.

OPTIC- it is a mechanism that attaches a bottle to an automatic pourer. The bartender usually fits the glass under the spout and pushes up to release the amount which cuts off at the single measure.

SHOT GLASS- a shot glass is a small glass to contain one measure

PINT GLASS- a glass used for serving pints of lager or ale

HALF PINT GLASS - a tulip shaped glass half the measure of a pint glass

SPEEDWELL/TAPS/DRAFT: are the taps used to pour beer from kegs stored under the bar floor.

SLIM JIM/HIGH BALL GLASS- It is a tall straight holding 8 to 12 ounces and used for cocktails served on the rocks such as a Gin and Tonic.

ROCKS GLASS - or an old fashioned glass, it is short and round. These glasses are used for drinks such as Old Fashioneds or Sazerac

COUPE GLASS- Are broad round stemmed glasses used for cocktails that are chill and served without ice such as a Manhattan, Boulevardier or a Gimlet

MARTINI GLASS - a martini glass is that classic stemmed "v" shaped glass, used to serve drinks without mixers such as Martini and Cosmopolitans

MARGARITA GLASS - is a large, round bowl like glass with a broad and a tall stem used for Margaritas and Daiquiris

HURRICANE GLASS- a tall tulip-like shaped glass with a flared rim and short stem. It holds 20 ounces which means it is the perfect glass to serve iced cocktails in such as Pina Colada, Singapore Sling, Hurricane

Alcoholic Drinks

Vodka- Vodka is made from potatoes or fermented cereal grains. It has a strong taste and scent. It is usually consumed neat with a mixer such as Coke or Orange juice or cranberry juice or in cocktails like Martini, Bloody Mary and Cosmopolitan.

Whisky/Whiskey- Whiskey is a distilled alcoholic beverage, made from fermented grain mash such as barley, corn, rye, and wheat. It gets its flavour form being fermented in casks for long period of time. When serving a whiskey, one asks whether they want ice or a mixer. Everyone has their own preference. I prefer mine like myself, strong and Irish. Scotch is Scottish Brewed whisky.

Rum- Rum is made by fermenting and distilling sugarcane molasses/juice. It is aged in oak barrels. It has a sweet taste.

Beer: is made out of cereal grains and served chilled in bottles or pulled from taps/speedwells.

Ale: Ale in the middle ages referred to beer brewed without hops (a kind of flowering plant that gives beer its bitter taste). It is sweeter and would typically have a fruity aftertaste.

Stout- is a darker beer sometimes brewed from roasted malt, coming in a sweet version and dry version, the most famous stout being Guinness.

Poitín- (pronounced as pot-cheen) is made from cereals, grain, whey, sugar beet, molasses and potatoes. It is a Dangerous Drink (honestly i still don't know how I ended up in that field with a traffic cone and a Shetland pony) and technically illegal. Country folk in Ireland used to brew it in secrets in stills hidden on their land.

Vermouth: Is made from infused with roots, barks, flowers, seeds, herbs, spices, brandy but vermouth is classed aromatized wine. It comes sweet or dry

Gin- is made from juniper, coriander, citrus peel, cinnamon, almond or liquorice and grain alcohol. Gin has a strong scent and taste and is usually served in a martini or a tonic water.

Schnapps- refers to any strong, clear alcoholic beverage. It is considered one of the best types of spirits because of its pure and delicate aroma. Lesson: never drink peach schnapps.

Cocktails and Drinks

Irish Coffee: an Irish coffee is adding whiskey to coffee and sugar and topping it with cream. As a bartender, I would honestly rather cut my arm off than make one of these.

Baby Guinness: Is a shot made by pouting Tia Maria or Kaluah into a shot glass and spreading Baileys on the top so it looks like a small pint of Guinness.

Silver Bullet: a shot of mixed tequila and sambuca.

Long Island Iced Tea:  The Long Island contains vodka, gin, tequila, light rum, lemon juice, triple sec and cola. It has a real kick.

Mai Tai: is made with light and dark rum, lime juice, orange curacao, orgeat syrup and rock candy syrup and served with a mint garnish.

Manhattan: The Manhattan is made with rye whiskey, sweet vermouth and bitters.

Margarita: The margarita is made with tequila, cointreau and lime juice.

Mojito: a mojito is made with muddled mint, white rum, lime juice, simple syrup and soda.

Martini: a martini is made of gin, dry vermouth and garnished with a lemon twist or olives.

Mimosa: a mimosa is a made with sparkling wine and orange juice.

Mint Julep: Made with Kentucky bourbon, simple syrup, mint leaves and crushed ice

Pina Colada: is made with white rum, dark rum, pineapple juice and coconut cream

Screwdriver: Vodka and Orange juice

Tequila Sunrise: tequila, orange juice and grenadine

Tom Collins: made with spiked lemonade, sparkling water, lemon juice, simple syrup and gin

Whiskey Sour: is made with powdered sugar, seltzer, lemon juice and whiskey.

White Russian: made with vodka, coffee liqueur and cream.

Black Russian: made with two parts coffee liqueur and five parts vodka.

Gin and Tonic: gin served with tonic water

Bloody Mary: made with vodka and tomato juice mixed with lemon juice, hot sauce, Worcestershire sauce, horseradish, fresh herbs, brown sugar and cracked black pepper.

Brandy Alexander: served straight up and made with brandy, cognac, creme de cacao and cream

Cosmopolitan: Made with citrus vodka, Cointreau, cranberry juice and fresh lime juice

Daiquiri: made with rum, lime juice and sugar.

Gimlet: gin and lime juice

My Top 10 Bartending Rules and Responsibilities

Overpouring is never an option. You can seriously hurt somebody by overpouring, not to mention spoil the drink and ruin your sales. You only serve people what they ask and never more.

When somebody has had enough, you stop serving them. After a while, you know when to cut somebody off.

Never leave bottles on the counter or in reach of customers. Your expensive spirits should never be in reach of anybody but you.

If you tell somebody your selling them premium and top shelf alcohol, you cannot substitute with cheaper licqor. It's illegal.

As a bartender, your eyes always have to be scanning a crowd. You can't leave people hanging.

The golden rule - if you see somebody messing with someone's drink, you chuck it if you can or warn the person. And you get that son of a bitch out of your pub.

50% of the job is cleaning. You have to clean your tools constantly. You cannot reuse measures and spouts, you have to wash everything. Beer traps are clean out every night, rubber mats are washed and anything you have used has to be clean.

You have to hand dry your glasses. You never polish a pint glass as it fucks up the pint. You polish your cocktail glasses, shot glasses and straight glasses.

If someone seems down or on their own, you try make conversation. Often you'll hear some disturbing stuff but always try lend an ear or make everyone feel included.

Little baby