Dances with Words

There are moments When the pain can be felt Where the solid armor begins to melt

But only a moment Or a time period at best Any more I have to lay to rest And continue on bringing zest Lest people become distressed

This pattern This mask Although happiness and joy is my nature Has also become a learned behavior My heart had been trained to not feel To shut out and shut off in times of pain And has learned to deal With things in an unnatural way Although with God as my savior I go to the root and heal

In the moment things are surreal And still this immediate reaction That my heart in the moment only feels a fraction Causes a faction Between my spirit, soul, and body And a reaction My body feels it sometimes Although my soul may not My spirit is leading because it has life And my freedom and life has been bought With a price A price more than I could ever deserve Yet in love it was paid And for that love I will serve The one who willingly gave it all And who picks me up And carries me when I fall

Although my spirit has life My soul and body can shut down Sometimes it feels heavy to hold your head up with a crown When you have to hold your head high So your soul and body don’t give you time to cry And to your spirit they lie

Until something A cue, a trigger Fills you in to the bigger picture That one little thing Can open the floodgates And your body and soul wait To finally release The things they have held The things that long were buried Can now take their course And finally body, soul and spirit Can weld And be in unity without force or remorse Becoming one with the Source Of all

Maybe this cycle is a gift In it deeper things have been learned And in the moment it has helped me to lift Those around me up Instead of drinking from my own pity cup

When I otherwise would have been shattered Those broken pieces Instead of just being tattered and scattered Became a mosaic of something that mattered A gift for myself too in moments of pain That is later dealt with and the process isn’t in vain

I do see a purpose And I trust there is more this is for But when those moments come of clarity I want more I ask God to show me what I need to learn To let me feel and remember For when I yearn So that my heart can burn For when it is my turn To use my experience To help others In persistence To look at my story and go the distance

Those moments when I get a glimpse And get to feel the fullness of the pain And hence Get to explore the depths That had long been hidden Those moments I really cherish As hard as they are Because they leave their jar And give me insight and understanding That takes me far Into a place of feeling human and alive In a time I won’t take a deep life dive And able to experience things that help me and others overall thrive

We have victory Over it all In Jesus Christ no struggle Will completely make you fall

I’m here to tell you No matter the situation God is there and in participation Even when you can’t see His hand He is at work like the wind You can’t see Him But you can feel and see How He mends and tends

Ooo, I am learning the power in prayers of supplication (petition)!

The enemy does NOT like these and the fact myself and others are learning the order and power of them!

Since the day I prayed several BIG prayers of supplication, he has been pulling out all the stops to accuse me, to try to make me question my worth, distract me, and to discourage me. Every single day and most nights since! I’m not the only one, it’s happening to others too. And also, we have seen indications that God is moving in those prayers at the same time! Ooo Jesus, thank you! This just shows me with Jesus as my mediator in the petition, God has heard!!! Let the courts of Heaven grant all my petitions, because these things will rock this world!!! Get ready, because God is a good Father and He wants to do the things the world says are impossible! They are coming, because God has heard and I know if the enemy is trying this hard, he is scared of what’s about to go down! Praising Jesus in advance because as He showed us in Daniel, He works from the moment we posture our hearts to Him, even if we don’t see it in the physical yet! Thank you Jesus thank you Jesus thank you Jesus!!!

Some examples are below of what this looks like. Daniel stands out to me as what I should share although these are all over the Bible, and I would be happy to share examples in today’s time too! ‭‭Summary of Daniel’s full prayer of supplication for this particular thing DANIEL‬ ‭9:16‬ ‭AMP‬‬ http://bible.com/1588/dan.9.16.amp

Daniel’s full prayer of supplication ‭‭DANIEL‬ ‭9:1-19‬ ‭AMP‬‬ http://bible.com/1588/dan.9.1-19.amp

Angel Gabriel answers Daniel ‭‭DANIEL‬ ‭9:20-23‬ ‭AMP‬‬ http://bible.com/1588/dan.9.20-23.amp

Daniel is tired and angel confirms God is working in the spiritual realm DANIEL‬ ‭10:12-14, 19-21‬ ‭AMP‬‬ http://bible.com/1588/dan.10.12-14,19-21.amp

Pray prayers of supplication to God with a humble heart and reverence, petitioning Him with asks of the seemingly impossible, miracles and bigger than you can fathom things, backed up by His character, His Word, precedence ( how He has done things like this before- examples), and why you want these things ( the impact they can have, what you can do with it, who it will affect, etc) and watch Your Father who loves you do what you never imagined! Jesus is our mediator and lawyer, and Satan will accuse us. Stand strong! We have victory over all things in Jesus and a Father who loves us! Ask with confidence but humility! The Holy Spirit will guide you and illuminate things to you to help you!

Pray your prayer then continue to focus on God, finding full shalom and rest in Him. I’m declaring deeper trust, stronger faith, open ears to hear, open hearts and minds to receive, open eyes to see, boldness and shalom over each of you in Jesus’ name!

I want to say something about #metoo. As I reflect on some of my stories ( I have several, unfortunately) due to a friend's post about a situation, and another post earlier this week that had no sympathy toward people who don't say anything, let me say this:

None of it is ok, but there is a reason sometimes people won't say anything, beyond just people being in power. I can tell you from times it has happened to me, some of them I felt I "put myself in that position" so I was ashamed and tried to just bury it. I was made to feel like I was wrong if I confronted the person, and when I tried to get medical help, it was going to involve police, rape kit, completely affect my work and schedule (meaning losing money and spending money on a lawyer, court, etc) and maybe having to fly to other locations or stay in them, sometimes involved my own drug tests because the hospital didn't test for date rape drugs and knowing that would be the only "proof" I had...there's more to this kind of situation and it's usually involving more than many people like to think about or want to think about.

Sadly, it's hard to say anything...for what will come with that and the pain of it...so I just did my best to cope on my own, and of course, with God.

For many people, this will happen more than once, and when it's not the first time, it's just easier to cope by brushing it off and trying to forget than going after it, especially because then you have to prove in court and go through that whole horrible mess that intensifies and gives more trauma, which can make you more nauseous thinking about the time, money, trauma, and accusations of reliving it (especially if this person has money and power) than just moving forward with some dignity.

Does this make not saying anything right? No. But it doesn't mean the victim, or the person they confided in to vent, is necessarily wrong. But also understand especially in someone's case that hears something like this, sometimes they want to protect the person's emotional well being and not add to the trauma too by outing their situation unless the victim wants to move forward with the rest of the things I mentioned above. It is still not ok.

It's easy to sit back and say you would do this or that if you haven't been there, but let me just put it out there from someone who has been through it. It's not black and white. Just a perspective for people to reflect on.

It’s ironic how it can be your birthday and you can feel more alone and unacknowledged than you would on a normal day. This is the first birthday I’ve felt so alone. Even when people say “happy birthday” and perhaps give random compliments. But really caring? Not felt. Other things take priority, like other birthdays (and it seems it’s also everyone else’s birthday today or within a few days- and that’s great I get to share with awesome people, but still ) and whatever other people have planned. You can go to lunch with someone that asks to take you, but they seem completely uninterested in conversation or being there with you and more concerned with getting back to the rest of their life. It feels like I’m an obligation, like it’s “right” to say happy birthday and to maybe take me to lunch or something, but I can feel that the true interest and care isn’t there. I feel the emptiness of it. One person offered to do dinner. One. One person offered to come do drinks. That’s two. Which is better than 0, and I’m grateful for them, but these weren’t even the people in my every day life. I am so thankful for them…but I have to wonder- where were the every day people? The lunch person was sort of one, but it didn’t seem like they even wanted to be there…at least not with me. The things people have said they would do did not really happen, or they didn’t care to reach out except for their own plans for the weekend that they want to see if I’m attending. The people closest in my life? They didn’t offer to do anything, or even ask what my plans were. One did, but they took me to lunch and seemed like they wanted it to be done already. I wasn’t feeling well so I did not take up the two on dinner or drinks. I did do dinner with my mom and 2 friends last weekend as a birthday thing, along with some fun things with my mom- that was all her planning, and she’s amazing. It’s more *today* that I am talking about though.

People have asked me to do task related things this weekend and not necessarily considered that I might have Birthday plans. Even after I have mentioned I might. And with all of this mentioned so far, let me say I have great people in my life, hence why it feels even more bothersome than if I expected it. Let me also say in no way am I blaming anyone or anything for making my birthday less. Stay with me here, promise it’s worth it.

I have had several people send loving texts which means so much. It’s the little things that can end up meaning the most, and feeling sincere love and care from some people felt very nice. I am so grateful to each of you who took the time on text, Facebook, or face to face to say anything, especially when there was love behind it.

Overall though…even with some contact that felt genuine…it feels lonely. It feels lacking love. I’m not complaining, and I’m so grateful for the love I did feel, but I’m just allowing a look into someone’s real life - no rosy filter but true openness. I know I’m not alone, and I want to give some perspective here. I always step back and ask God what He is doing and try to see how He is moving when things seem hurtful, difficult, or not what I would like. I do the same even when things are great, but in the more difficult things, I know there is some reason or something I need to see, and there always is. It’s always something beautiful that God is teaching and doing. He has moved me away from finding my fulfillment and joy through people in other seasons and situations- and it’s always when He is moving the most…and He has shown me that very clearly before. Understand this is not saying finding joy with people is bad. I am saying that God sometimes removes you from things that will distract or hinder your growth, and sometimes that means people- especially if people pleasing or things like fully jumping into relationships ( romantic or platonic) are distractions or things that are hindering growth. He does this when He has something to do, something to say, and is taking us, at least in my experience, to new places. Consider, given all of the above and more things that made me feel insignificant that were not mentioned…this-

But perhaps the things that happened that did not feel good happened because the celebration needs to not be about me. I need to die to self, and know on this day to just rely on and spend time with God. Maybe this is my reminder that I am His vessel and that the praise should not be mine in a way, even on my birthday. That the praise will no longer be mine, but always His. Even in the times that society would say are “my day” it’s not about me and shouldn’t be ever again. I know God is working doing new things in me, taking me to new levels. All I can think is the old is falling away and God is teaching me in all ways to die to myself to live fully for Him and the next level He is taking me. I know it’s coming, I’ve felt and seen God taking me on this path for years now and I see where it is, ever so slightly, He is taking me…and many have confirmed that. It’s scary, sometimes lonely, and sometimes painful…but such is the refining process of the diamond. It is a very strenuous process- google it- and why would God not put those who shine his light through a process to be refined too, just like a diamond?

Perhaps, on this anniversary of the day I began my life outside the womb, I should be giving thanks to and spending time with my Creator, the One who has loved me and had plans for me since before I was even born into this world. The One who gave me life and died to save mine. Perhaps, that is what a Birthday should really be about, and not about celebrating ourselves, but celebrating His gift of life and all He has done in it and through it. Perhaps, He moved me to feel and be alone today so that I would come closer to Him on this Birthday as He continues to work so much in my life more every year. As I have been walking through some very difficult things in the past month, I have seen more and more that God is making it where I need to come to Him for everything. All of it. And lay it all down for Him, without holding on to any of it. It is difficult, but it is an honor to know He is calling me to Himself in it all. That He wants to take me beyond my flesh into a place where I am so close to Him and can shine His light brighter. I am looking to God and letting Him mold me now and always. I’m grateful that instead of letting me get caught up in the world and people, He directs me to Him. He directs me to places where I can go deeper and seek Him more. He is refining, for a new place and a level I don’t even feel ready for. This is the prep…but to whom much is given, much is expected. It’s worth the process. God is good and has more for each of us than we even know. I’m learning to be thankful for the process, even when it hurts. After all, Jesus gave it all for us…who am I to not give what He asks and trust His process? If He wants this day to be a day of seeking Him more and spending time alone with Him, what a true gift that is that the Creator of the Universe- the Creator of Heaven and Earth- who created everything from the largest most complicated things to the tiniest of details- the One who spoke the world into existence and breathed life into our lungs- the One who loves us so much that He was willing to endure all the things involved with the cross- would want to spend the day I was born into this world with me? It can be easy to overlook that and get caught up in the world, but when we see it, oh how beautiful it is.

I have been feeling a distinct shift for 3 years now- very clearly since 2013 (and I’m not the only one…and that year seems to be agreed upon by many as well)- and it has been snowballing in the past year at a much more rapid rate. God is moving. He’s at work for something much bigger than a president. We turn our faith and eyes to a man, letting that shake us and consume us. Do we forget who is really in control? Do we focus on what God would have our eyes on, or do we let the things of the world keep us in fear and keep our focus narrow, while missing the bigger picture? We can think all we want about a man, but he is just a man! Do we have so little faith as this?

This is not just about a president. Do you not see it? In this election, darkness came out of hiding. Darkness and divide are very much visible and have come to light. This is much bigger than who our president is. We are on the ledge, about to jump into the water (Holly Stiener this has come up so much!) . It is that turning point, the moment that has been building for years now. It is the time for the church, the real church- not the superficial facade of the church- to rise and to light up the world as the darkness is exposed. God has been preparing His people for this. It is Him that is in charge, not a man. Do not let the things of the world-including disappointment or pride-distract you from keeping your eyes on the one true King. He is working, even if our eyes cannot see it and our minds cannot comprehend it in the moment. Saul became Paul, but people wouldn’t have seen that coming. A brief overview and some thoughts here (http://www1.cbn.com/biblestudy/how-saul-became-the-apostle-paul). We don’t know that things aren’t happening beyond what we are seeing. We don’t know what God is doing, but do know it is always outside the scope that our small minds can fathom. Pray for Him to give our next president wisdom, to make him the leader he needs to be, to instill in him the things needed to light up the darkness that has come to surface. Pray for that darkness to be covered in light and for people to truly see each other the way God sees us- not just in this country, but all over the world. Let God lead, and trust He sees the bigger picture.

Consider what this article says.

“Like Gideon’s army, we must not fear even if the outcome is not what we hoped. No matter what we see with our natural eyes, I believe a kingdom will be toppled today. What that looks like and how it manifests remains to be seen. But I’ve sensed a major shift in my spirit for the past 10 days that goes far beyond this election. It’s time for the ekklesia to arise.

Let this Scripture inspire you:

"God is our refuge and strength, a helper who is always found in times of trouble. Therefore we will not be afraid, though the earth trembles and the mountains topple into the depths of the seas, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with its turmoil. Selah. There is a river—its streams delight the city of God, the holy dwelling place of the Most High. God is within her; she will not be toppled. God will help her when the morning dawns. Nations rage, kingdoms topple; the earth melts when He lifts His voice. The Lord of Hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our stronghold. Selah” (Ps. 46:1-8, HSB).“

From another source: It is important that the church today understand the definition of ekklesia. The church needs to see itself as being “called out” by God. If the church wants to make a difference in the world, it must be different from the world. Salt is different from the food it flavors. God has called the church to be separate from sin (1 Peter 1:16), to embrace fellowship with other believers (Acts 2:42), and to be a light to the world (Matthew 5:14). God has graciously called us unto Himself: “‘Come out from them and be separate,’ says the Lord.

Rejection. Being overlooked. Watching as it happens but no one seems to notice but you. Looking around wondering how you got into a place you feel so invaluable and worthless, nothing short of disposable and replaceable in every aspect. Giving love, but it being met by walls or disrespect. Alone, even when surrounded by people or with someone right next to you, because they don’t see you or care to connect or see what you really need. They don’t care how you feel, unless you bring them happiness and do what they want, or they get what they need from you or through you. Helping people, yet getting yelled at or abused in return, without even so much as a thank you. Pure intentions, but beaten down for them or not taken seriously because you are kind. Demands, selfishness, or others’ needs- never yours. How did I get here?

Not good enough. Never going to get there. Not worthy. Not worth it. Never going to be seen. Not heard. Not appreciated. Never going to be genuinely loved mutually. Disposable. Replaceable. Not worth fighting for. Not worth trying for. Not worth risking for. Not enough, ever, no matter what it is. Will I ever be in the places I know God has for me? Will I ever make the difference and impact I know I am supposed to? Will everyone get married around me while I keep watching the men in my life choose anything else over me? How much longer do I have to go through thing after thing? These are the things that go through your head. These are the beasts that snarl in the darkness.

As Pastor Jeremy spoke about recently at Fearless LA: Blessed in the presence of beasts.

This is my walk so often. It reminds me that my calling/ purpose is so much bigger than I know, but when? When does the light overcome these beasts? When does the rainbow shine?

It can be so hard in the waiting. But success is defined by obedience, and in obedience comes more than we could ever imagine. Obedience doesn’t mean no pain- in fact, it usually includes pain in some form. Abraham and Sarah had to wait years for their promises. David was overlooked as a child and laughed at/ scolded when he stepped up. Moses waited years. Job endured much pain and many struggles before God blessed him in abundance. Ruth waited and stayed faithful for years before Boaz. Jesus waited and trained 30 years to make more of an impact than anyone in 3 years. Before Jesus was baptized by John the Baptist, people were likely treating even Him like He was not important. You may be overlooked and feel not good enough now, but God sees you and thinks you're worth more than even the most precious thing you know of. Success is not about where you’re at, but your location in proximity to where He’s called you to be at.

Thank God for the things He has given and those He hasn’t allowed or has taken away. Thank God for life, even when it hurts- if you’re still here, there’s more purpose in you. The beasts will snarl, just like they did at Jesus in the desert, but God is right there. They wouldn’t be snarling if you weren’t a threat. Whenever you hear them loudest, know that it means you are on the brink of something powerful and important that the enemy wants to stop.

Sometimes it can seem like your talents and real goals are waved off if people know you and see you working in another skill set, even if they know you have talents in other areas than they typically experience with you. It is usually unintentional, but it really feels like a slap in the face when people you know overlook you, without even looking at your work in that area or giving you a shot, when there are great opportunities that you don't even get told about or considered for... yet you are right there. It's disappointing. It's pigeonholing. It's not fun and it's not accurate, yet it happens all the time.

Then again, there are stories of people getting opportunities because they were in the right places to get a shot.

I guess you just never know what will happen, but what I've seen over many years is people tend to show more respect and consideration for someone's talents and work if they keep an arm's distance, only showcasing one skill set per group or person. Those people tend to be praised for their abilities more, treated better, and given more opportunities. It makes sense, they are seen in one facet...but it's stereotyping and it keeps us from discovering the multifaceted beauty and talents of people in our network and lives.

The struggle for those of us with multiple skill sets...we often get overlooked in things we would really enjoy and excel in because of how people see us in one aspect of our abilities.

I've even been asked before what I would be doing if I wasn't doing _____, in a way that sounded like the person asking thought I had no other options.

After many years of working in an industry where everyone had multiple talents, and it was a given and expected everyone had other ventures and things they were working on, this has been eye opening. The auto show world is a beautiful place with wonderful people who tend to SEE each other. Being away from that has been a daunting reminder that much of the rest of the world pigeon holes into one job, one type, one skill, and stereotypes the hell out of people. Also it has been a wake up call to the massive amount of unhappiness that exists and lack of belief and faith in God that exists outside of our happy bubble of caring, intelligent, well spoken, multi talented, beautiful souls that get to explore the country and/or world together while connecting with people of all backgrounds in meaningful ways daily. I needed this wakeup call, because that bubble is great, but I thought I was experiencing all types of people because I was meeting people everywhere...but I was surrounded by the same wonderful people all the time, so I had forgotten how hard it can be to live in faith and be uplifted in every day life for so many people. I had forgotten how not everyone is surrounded by people who call them even when they aren't around anymore (yes my auto show teammates have been in touch to catch up- love you guys!!!). I had forgotten what life looks like for so many people who don't travel the country with their best friends for a living.  I volunteered in very impoverished areas, but I wasn't seeing the every day struggles for those who live 9-5 type of lifestyle, don't travel, or weren't on the extreme ends of the spectrum.

The reality is many people have many skill sets. Get to know them for more than just one thing. Ask questions. Care. The janitor may be running an outreach mission. The PA may be the next Spielberg. The kid skateboarding may be creating the next Facebook or Snapchat. Make a commitment to stop stereotyping: races, genders, jobs, appearances, everything. Stereotyping can keep us from discovering beautiful things and people.

Thank you to those who have seen the multifaceted skills in me, and in everyone around you. Thank you for those who gave me, or others, opportunities even though it wasn't what you knew me or other for, but had faith and gave a shot.

My advice to everyone: BE A LIGHT. Break that pattern of judgement, pigeonholing, stigma, negativity, or whatever it is that you see happening around you that is anything but light. Be DIFFERENT. Be the one to change the places you go into in a positive way. Be the one to bring happiness, to make people feel valued, to see outside of one dimension when you look at people. Be the one. It all starts with one person making a choice, and the flame catches. When someone disappoints you, ask them how they are and compliment them. When someone snaps at you, keep showing them kindness anyway. You never know what people are going through. Be kind, see them and pay attention to not just what you see right in front of you. One flame can start a wildfire 

Wow…I know some truth in this. I’ve only told a few people the things that have happened to me, but shared some of it recently in a post under the belief that vulnerability brings empowerment and healing to others.

I know many women that have been through much worse than I have, and many more that I’m sure I know and have no idea of their experience.

I want you all to know you are not an object. You are loved and you are not alone.

I hope the objectification of women, the insecurities and perfect images we are pushed by society to uphold, are broken, and sooner than later. We can change this, women and men. We have the power to be different, to not let the ways of the world inform our actions, behavior, and words. We have the power to stand up for others, to be a voice, and to give hope and show there is another way.

I stand with all the females that have been abused and objectified. You are not alone. We are in this together, and we can break the norm. With our voices and our refusal to let society inform us ( men and women) of how we view others, we can make waves that will change everything.