#refining

The Refining is in Vain

The bellows blow fiercely. The lead is consumed in the fire. In vain they go on refining, for the wicked are not plucked away. — Jeremiah 6:29 | World Messianic Bible: British Edition (WMBBE) The World English Bible – British Edition is in the Public Domain. Cross References: Psalm 119:119; Proverbs 17:3; Proverbs 24:5; Proverbs 27:21; Isaiah 1:25; Isaiah 48:10; Ezekiel 22:18; Ezekiel 22:20-22; Ezekiel 24:13; Zechariah 13:9; Malachi 3:2-3; 1 Corinthians 3:13-15; 1 Peter 1:6-7

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I never imagined that at 45, having been married 24 years, and having spent 29 years in that same relationship, that I would be working through a divorce.  I have worked in the legal field helping others through their divorces for 27 years. The story of how I got here is not for all to know and certainly not something to share like this. It’s a story that affects many and, while their story is part of mine, that does not mean I have a right to air it all out.

A big part of my story began when I was 16. I had no clue who I was, where I was going, what I wanted to be, I was just a baby and knew one thing... I wanted out of where I was and I knew there had to be something better. What happened from here many would call a fairy tale. Much of it seemed that way. But as with any relationship, it had its problems, ups and downs. I’ve learned a lot in my life, most of it the hard way.  As with any relationship, we both could have and should have done better, worked harder for it. Life gets exhausting and people change. And while we can't change people or stop them from changing, we CAN control what we tolerate and how we respond to what’s in front of us.    

The last 3 years have been the toughest 3 years of my life.  It’s been trying on our family.  That’s a story and testimony for another blog... when the time is right.  Trauma affects our whole story and the stories of those closest to us and sometimes it even branches out further than that.  As Pastor Mike Todd has said, “what you don’t transform, you transfer.” Before you start a relationship, you should know your own identity or you will take on that of others and try to make them your own. Process your own trauma. You can't expect a good relationship if you don’t feel you can share your trauma because you've never faced it head on and you try to pretend it never happened. Get comfortable with yourself so that you can be vulnerable without fear of shame or embarrassment. It's hard to help someone through their trauma if you've never addressed your own. Faking it only causes bitterness, anger, anxiety, depression, stonewalling etc. and just as you can't control someone or change others, you can’t control their healing either, and you certainly won't help them when you ignore your own hurt. One thing I wish for every human, and I am still working on, is that we could all master the art of good communication. Listening more, talking less. Communicating expectations so assumptions don't leave one hurt unnecessarily. Sometimes a person just needs to know they are heard.

I've made poor choices, I'll continue to make poor choices. But I'm going to strive each day to make better choices. I'm going to try starting fresh and this time around, NOT do things out of order. I'm going to stay firm and grounded in Christ, so much that it spews out in everything I do and I will not be ashamed or embarrassed of what that looks like. I will love so hard that it makes others wonder where it comes from and plants a seed to be watered that has them seeking the Lord because they need that kind of joy in their life. I will forgive more as I also need forgiven and holding onto that seed of offense only allows a root of bitterness to grow. Life is painful. Words hurt. Life and death are in the power of the tongue (Proverbs 18:21) and it takes a lifetime of practice. Out of the heart the mouth speaks (Luke 6:45), which is why we need to check our hearts before we speak. 

Regret.... without the poor decisions I've made, I may never have come to know who I am, I wouldn't have some of the greatest things and experiences that I have had. While I have regret for any harm I may have done to others, and I am sad and even disappointed in myself for the way I have handled some things, I am not sure I would wish for things to have been different. In a perfect world, sure, but we live in a broken world and I'm going to pray that God will continue to make beauty from my ashes, even from the dumpster fires that I caused or fanned into flame. What I CAN do is, instead of focusing on what I did wrong or could have done better... repent, turn, start new, fresh, and try harder to simply be a better reflection of Christ today than I was yesterday. I know I will never regret following Him.

So, excuse me while I heal. It looks different for everyone and while this seems like a new life event as social media and public appearances paint a pretty picture, it may not be as fresh as the picture was painted. I'll likely not be on social media for a while other than to share an occasional Word from God with a picture of my coffee. I trust that those closest to me will reach out personally and directly. My profiles have my contact info in them. God is good, even when we aren't. Trust the process. Be willing to be refined in the fire. I promise, eternity with Christ is worth it. I was reading a few months ago in Isaiah and shared the following on social media:

“Studying this morning and as I hit Isaiah 38 and 39, I praised God for His reminder of the importance of humility, the dangers of pride, and that our actions have consequences. But most importantly, that EVEN when I suffer consequences, EVEN when things seem to go badly, EVEN in the midst of suffering... I will praise my God and thank Him for His love, correction, and grace. For His ways are higher than mine. Who am I to criticize His divine direction.”

I know who I am now. I am the daughter of the King Most High, a co-heir with Christ. I am chosen, forgiven, treasured, sought, beautiful, strong, flawless, never forsaken. I am His.