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I downloaded the PDF to my hard drive and I open it again whenever I'm feeling too suicidal to do much else, but not enough to start booking a ride to the hospital. And every time without fail I only go up to a few pages before backing off and choosing to live another day just because suicide suddenly seems even more unbearable than whatever the hell upset me in the first place.

All the book really does is [I'm pulling a summary from GoodReads here as, again, I've read no more than 5 pages] "discusses the social aspects of suicide, the right to die, anger, loneliness, depression, stress, hopelessness, drug and alcohol abuse, the consequences of a suicide attempt, and how to get help."

But it also starts with the author kindly asking the reader to complete the book before going through with anything, and for some reason I'm compelled to really just try to read it all before finalizing everything. Despite not yet completing it (hopefully never will) I think I can safely say it's saved my life at least a few times now.

dishes are stacking, windows are smudged, the fridge exhales a pungent aroma upon opening.

it’s not my house, but it costs me something to pretend not to see The Mess.

so my fingers grow pruny from the dampness of the rag and my nostrils burn from the bleach fumes—

I'm like that but with shows.

like "the thick of of is my comfort show" what? the show with nothing but constant yelling, swearing and insults and absolutely no comfort whatsoever? that's really what you're going for?

Have a look at these screenshots from redding weddy and carpe diem, these take place during the day. Notice how the lighting is very warm; there’s golds and browns and you can feel the sun coming through the windows

Now take a gander at these screenshots from redding weddy, they take place during nighttime and the lighting is very cool. Blues and dark greens and blacks, you can feel the bitter chill in the night air

There’s another difference between these two scenes: in the warmer ones, havers is present, and in the cooler ones, havers is gone. Havers quite literally brightens the captain’s life, this is regardless of whatever is happening. In cap’s death scene, the lighting is warm despite the tragic circumstances. When havers tells cap he’s leaving, the lighting is still warm. Any kind of heartbreak the captain feels is eased by havers’ presence, even if he is the source of that heartbreak.

I would also like to note the parallels between these two shots (this fucking window oh my god)

When we first see cap sitting here in redding weddy, he is reliving the memory of havers leaving, the music crescendos as the beloved lieutenant disappears through the gate. Because the scene focuses on havers leaving, the lighting is cool. When we revisit it in carpe diem, cap is reflecting on his death. The main focus of the minor flashback isn’t havers but it highlights a scene where havers is present (the one with the general guy) Thus, the lighting is warm.

https://vimeo.com/509583674

https://vimeo.com/509562977

Adam Kenyon & Fergus Williams aka The Inbetweeners