"Fought a spider for an oreo and lost"? How do you lose to a spider? What does the spider want with the oreo? You can't just drop these things without elaboration
Ah, yes, my favourite Phil story, okay
So a few years ago, he went traveling in Thailand, and we all feared for his life for a bit because Thailand has poisonous wildlife that Wales doesn't and Phil lacks basic survival instincts (I have known him attempt to eat fly agaric because "Whoa, look, it's those faerie mushrooms"). Anyway, he did survive, and so all's well that ends well I guess.
But one night, he's staying in a sort of shack in a very rural area, chilling out eating a packet of Oreos (a process whereby he takes them apart to eat each biscuit half plus the creme filling separately), when he looks up into the corner of the room.
And there's a spider on its web.
So far, so normal. Phil is not an arachnophobe, so no issue there. Phil loves animals actually, and spent some time as a vegan, though he had to give up when it became very clear that he doesn't know what any foods are made of (aka the Scotch Egg Incident.) I mention this because it may help to explain some of his thought processes that come next, although I freely admit, it certainly does not explain them all.
It's been a few minutes since Phil ate an Oreo half. He last had a Pure Biscuit piece, so he's looking forward to a creme bit next, when he sees this spider.
And the spider has managed to steal his next Oreo.
Seems implausible, right? He looks down at the packet. Sure enough, what greets him is not the beautiful creamy moon of Oreo filling, but the hard black biscuit of an inner Oreo base. He looks back up. The spider has the round Oreo creme, and is sitting on it in its web.
Now, as I say, Phil loves animals. He's more than happy to share his food with animals. Spiders need love too.
But, Phil thinks suddenly. But, I cannot. Because...
Are Oreos good for spiders?
He doesn't know. He has no idea. He is suddenly hazy on what spiders even eat, but he's pretty sure refined sugar probably isn't it, and he has been told repeatedly (by me) to be more careful about food and wildlife and what we shall call Phil's Assumptions. So, he reluctantly concludes that Oreos probably aren't good for spiders.
But THAT means if the spider becomes ill, it's his fault, right?
He must reclaim the Oreo from the spider.
So he goes to this spider. He has absolutely no idea if the spider is venomous or not, but he also remembers the extended lecture (from me) about Dangerous Thai Wildlife, so he's very cautious. He carefully goes to take the Oreo -
And the spider rears up, in attack position.
Fuck, thinks Phil, and backs off. That didn't work. Let's try doing exactly the same thing again in the hopes of getting a different outcome.
He does not get a different outcome.
This continues for half an hour. Phil cautiously edging his hand forward, the spider rearing and waving its legs, Phil snatching his hand back. Half an hour of both Phil and the spider getting increasingly panicked. Half an hour of Phil sweating, and worrying that unless he can get this Oreo back, he as as good as killed this spider. Half an hour of this spider having fucking none of it, and refusing to give away its Oreo with the rage and passion of a Greek hero at war with the gods themselves.
Finally, he thinks maybe trying the same thing again in the hopes of getting a different outcome is maybe not the way forward. So he withdraws, and goes to eat another Oreo and have a think.
He reaches into the Oreo packet, and pulls out the Oreo base -
(Some of you are ahead of me, I think.)
It's not the base of the last Oreo. It's the start of the next; which means, Phil miscounted his Oreo halves. There is no missing creme circle.
He looks back up at the furious spider.
And that, my friends, is the tale of how Phil accidentally spent half an hour fighting a Thai spider for its egg sac.
Aka the time Phil fought a spider for an Oreo and lost.
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