adrenaline junky.

Dude, seriously! I remember when Free the Nipple was a huge thing. I was all for it! Sometimes I wanna let them out and get some fresh air! Oh, good, that was all thanks to my colleague Baz who suggested shirtless Hugh Jackman photos. They're a genius.

Free the Nipple was a thing? What? How did I miss this? Oh right. Wrestling career -- family entertainment. Don't want any stray nips flying out in combat sports. With all the beaches around here, I'm surprised there's not one where we can all be free. Tell your friend, Baz, that their suggestion was well received.

I'm not having a conniption, I am trying to keep people from dying entirely preventable and shockingly stupid deaths, but so many of you go out of your way to make that incredibly fucking DIFFIC

Aye, aye Captain Boomer! I hope you have a safe night too and don't get swept away by any storms!

It would for sure put a damper on my day.

Might I suggest a will? You know, just in case something like that happens. Wouldn't want to leave your loved ones out to dry because some giant human eating plant made the walking epitome of cotton candy a snack.

Specifically, stay inside, call your friends using a service available to you. A crank radio, yeah. It's for when the power goes. You turn the crank, radio works. Been around since the nineties. Back when you were You probably weren't even cooking ye And you can find one on the emergency preparedness shelf of your local hardware store. So that you're prepared. For emergencies. In the future.

Oh, now I'm getting italicized AND bold requests. I wouldn't want you have a conniption, so sure. I'll Specifically stay inside and use a service to call my one friend to tell her I'm not coming to The Wormhole tonight. Wow! That's pretty impressive. Gotta love the way mechanical machines work. Right up there with the first cars that utilized a similar cranking method. I bet you thought I was dumb, didn't you? Hey, next time I'm at the hardware store, I'll tell them the old guy from the nineties recommended I buy a crank radio so I'm prepared for the next big major disaster.

A new app has appeared on my phone: Clawde AI. It keeps suggesting I go out at night or eat raw steak. I do not want to do these things. I do not want to feel the bare earth under my feet nor howl at the moon.

You've never had the urge to do this? It's actually quite exhilarating. The best way to really connect with your inner beast, you know? Touch grass and all that? Plus, people like to knock raw steak, but if you've had never had Kobe raw, you're really missing out.

Right now? Probably gonna order take out, but that's just me being lazy on a Sunday afternoon.

You know, I can't fault you for that. Sundays were made for being lazy. Any particular place in mind? I heard the Peascake Factory is running a special on their summer Peascake menu.

It says in the first sentence of my post : I do not like matcha.

I guess it's a live and learn process, huh? You can't always fix awful. But hey! At least chocolate chip cookies are always a winner! Just don't try and force matcha into them. What's next on the menu? Genuinely curious now.

I'm really not looking to bust out into Suddenly Seymour. Mostly because act 2 doesn't look to great for my girl Audrey.

Yeah, it would suck major ass to get swallowed by a carnivorous plant, huh?

I did say call. Speakerphone. Zoom. Facetime. Whatever works, for as long as it does. You got a radio? How many people got crank radios for emergencies, around here? Not enough.

But you didn't specify zoom or facetime at first. So how was I supposed to know? And radio? I've got tons of radios out in the shop. Pretty sure most cars come with them now. But a crank radio? What is that from? Like the 1800s? You look good for your age.

Much appreciated. Thank you. 2K26? Is that like the new Y2K? Call some friends, make it a party. A nice, safe, indoor party, with pizza rolls.

I've never been thanked for staying inside, but yeah, sure, I guess. [user pauses] One question? How are those friends supposed to get here, if nobody can leave. Can't share the pizza roll love or ungodly fear of being swept up by a monsoon with out some people close by. Am I right?

Your loml? Wh This whole town could be reduced to a sprinkle of marine snow and that dive'd still be standing, somehow. And I'm sure you could be one of the non-idiots not running around aimlessly, unnecessarily risking the lives of first responders! Please.

I don't know what a sprinkle of marine snow is, but fine. I won't go out into the big scary storm or go to The Wormhole. I'll shove Nova off and sit on my couch and eat Tostino's Pizza Rolls while I play WWE 2K26.

Nope. Forecast is for an absolute ass-washer mess, nothing spotty or all that summerish about it. There'll be no scenery, besides pissing pouring rain. Save it for another day. Not like the Wormhole's going anywhere.

If it's as bad as you say it is, what if The Wormhole gets washed away? What am I supposed to do then? Live in regret for the rest of my life, because I let some torrential downpour scare me away from the loml? I'm sure I'm not going to be the only idiot out running around aimlessly in this storm.

That's a strong wind and torrential rain warning in effect, folks! The foreseeable future would be a truly fantastic time to NOT be outside doing anything remotely hazardous. Batten the hatches and bond with your family, roommates, pets, and/or streaming services. Don't take unnecessary risks on treacherous roads, rocks, slopes, shores, or the sea! Your local Coast Guard thanks you for your service.

I finally decide to stick my head out of my cave. Think about taking a nice scenic run to The Wormhole, and you're telling me there's a storm coming? Surely it's just a summertime spotty shower right?

[user uploads a photo of her flipping off a vinemaw plant.]

Why does it not surprise me that there are bitey plants in a place where there shouldn't be bitey plants...Maybe this is your Little Shop of Horrors era origin story instead. But if you bust into song and dance, I'm out.

So the bad news is : I definitely do not like matcha.

Who doesn't like matcha? I thought everybody now was on the matcha train? Choo! Choo! I'm kidding. I think it's gross. Why would you ruin a perfectly good strawberry cookie with that shit?

Hiya! I'm Sawyer Rhodes and I'm officially running for Wicked's Rest Town Council! [This is not true. User has not filled out any paperwork or gotten any signatures to run. Also, is there even an upcoming election? She sure as hell does not know.] I believe that our current council is filled with ugly old bats who don't know the first thing about the twenty-first century. I'm young and hot, and I'll bring about lots of changes to our unique, fun town to make us even more hot and fun! Vote for me! [User links to her very serious powerpoint, Ban Shirts 2026.]

Hot girl running for town council to ban shirts? Count me in. It's too fucking hot right now anyways. My girls just want a little freedom every now and then. Plus, your powerpoint was very compelling with all those Hugh Jackman pictures. I've always felt a kinship with that man for some reason.