ketchup is just mashed tomatoes

So this couple walks in- a broad-shouldered man with an accent (Italian, I think) and a man that I can best describe as looking like Cecil Palmer. 

“Okay- weird question. So you guys did our wedding- amazing by the way. And it’s been a month and just about all the flowers in the vases have died by now except for this one thing that’s really holding on in there. And we want to know what that plant is and how to take care of it to keep it alive. And we don’t know how to like… describe it and it sounds kind of weird to go to up to a stranger and say ‘hey what’s this weird wiggly green plant you put in our vases a month ago?’ but I guess that’s what I’m asking.”

“Sounds like curly willow. If you keep it in water it will eventually start rooting and you can grow a new plant from it from the cutting.” 

“That is too cool! What do you suggest we do?”

“Well, you can keep it in the water for now, but eventually you’ll want to pot it in soil because that’s how it’s going to get its nutrients.”

“Can we,” the Italian guy asks. “Can we plant it in the floor?” I figure he means ‘plant it outside.’ 

I nod. “It’ll keep growing.”

“What does it look like when it’s bigger? Does it stay like a wiggly stick?”

“Oh, no, it’ll branch out. It’s actually a tree.” 

The skinnier one turns to his husband and says:

“Did you hear that, honey? They gave us a tree! We have a tree now!” 

Unexpected Guests Chapter Six: Act Six, Page Four

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The real lesson here is that you should never take a shortcut while half-asleep.

Titty Speakeasies

if you ever see a conservative and wonder just how in the world they have so little compassion?  they are genuinely convinced that most - not all, but most - bad things that happen are the fault of the person affected, because then they don’t have to feel bad

Boss: you look tired

Anyways, it appears we made bad travel decisions previously and ended up with bed bugs. Our bed was already horrid. It’s a hand me down that’s probably almost as old as me. It’s busted and honestly it’s sourced for some of my back pain. So, we’re at the decision that it’s not worth salvaging anymore.

But a new bed is a lot of money we really don’t have. And even with saving up it looks too difficult to get the full amount we need. So, if anyone would like to donate to us to replace our bed, we’d be eternally grateful. We’re throwing out this bad one and going to have people spray for bugs before we rush out to buy another one, so there’s a little time to raise the money.

tl;dr version: bed bad, need new one, we could use some help

paypal: [email protected]

venmo: @catgirlprincess