So I lost my retail job of 6 years. It was completely my fault. I hate myself and I hate the world right now but I’m trying my best to forgive myself. (Forgive me if the spacing between paragraphs is weird. My phone is screwing things up)
Here’s what happened… I’m a self-diagnosed woman who believes she’s on the autism spectrum. I don’t have insurance so I can’t get checked out. I had a HUGE meltdown just a couple hours before my shit. I was screaming, crying hysterically, and hitting the floor out of frustration. I wanted to call off that day, but I would miss out on money if I did, so I decided to tough it out and go to work.
I was a crying mess when I got to work. I could not stop crying no matter what— school was coming up soon and it stressed me out and I couldn’t stop thinking about my future. Also, my meltdown left my emotions completely raw, feeling like I opened a metaphorical wound. My manager (who worked with me as a coworker and later on became a manager) told me I had to go home if I couldn’t get my act together. Not “Do you want to go home?” but “You HAVE TO go home.” This infuriated me, because I become extremely sensitive when I’m feeling this way. I told her I refused, and we argued about it. I cussed at her once and was hitting various things in the back of the store. She ended up filling out an incident report and suspended me for three days (while corporate decides whether or not they’re going to fire me). Yesterday I got the letter and I am officially fired.
I am completely shaken up and devastated. I knew this is pretty much my fault, so I really messed up my self esteem by letting this define me. My friends insist that I shouldn’t let this job loss get to my head, but I can’t help but to think I’m a horrible person. I let my emotions control me and now I’m getting what I deserve (or what I think I deserve… it’s hard for me to distinguish between the two).
There’s a few things I’ve learned from this experience.
1. I need to learn how to control my anger and figure out what triggers my rage as well as my meltdowns. This is a more urgent problem than I originally imagined.
2. That losing a job can be bittersweet. As sad as this loss is, I also feel like I’ve been set free from this soul crushing job.
3. That I need to get an autism diagnosis sooner than later. For peace of mind and also for potential government benefits. Maybe I have to work fewer hours alongside school so I don’t get too stressed out
4. If I stick with a bad job for too long, I may eventually snap
5. Losing a job isn’t the end of the world if you don’t let it get to you. I still have to convince myself of this one, but it is a lesson I’ve learned
6. That when you lose the best job you’ve ever had (it was horrible but still better than any other job I’ve had), all of your options feel like downgrades.
7. That I need to find better ways to cope with traumatic experiences than alcohol or self harm (last time I’ve done that was years ago).
I made this post so that maybe I can share my experience with someone also going through a job loss, as well as remind those on the spectrum (self-diagnosed or otherwise) or suffering a mental illness that whatever goes on in your head doesn’t define you, even if you lose your job because of it.
Remember, a job is just a job. It’s not your entire life. Appreciate the small things in life, and your life outside of work. Think of your friends and family who are all rooting for you when you feel like you’re at your lowest low.
I love all of you guys. I hope this post helps someone feel less alone.
