Words I don't say out loud

And I know my brain is strong I know it is a force of nature Because it brought itself down

I am treading the finest of lines between giving up all hope crushing my whole heart at once and believing in the possibility being crushed little by little because it does not happen

There is a cloud in my head It takes up too much space And leaves little room for anything else It makes me tired, it makes me cry It makes my mind a foggy mess The cloud is taking over Rendering me a stranger to myself What do I want? What do I need? I slowly disappear in the cloud I get more confused I get more indifferent My focus is stops at the tip of my nose And still, I can't seem to see the entire image

Dum Dummere Mig   Jeg var så sikker på At hvis en følelse er så stærk Er den gengældt Hvis den er så ægte Er det skæbnen Hvis den har varet så længe Vil den vare ved   At kende en person Helt ind i sjælen Er ikke en garanti Ikke nogen tryghed   Mennesker ændres Mure bygges Den fælles hjerterytme falder pludselig ud af takt   Intet er sikkert Det ved jeg nu

THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW   1. I will love you close to unconditionally, and that will probably feel too much at times. Please talk to me about it.   2. Sometimes I get so confused, I hardly know who I am. I will need you to remind me.    3. Don't promise me to love me forever, but promise to tell me if you ever stop.   4. I may at times need you to give me a cup of coffee to get out of the bed and a long hug to get out of the door. And please let me give the same to you on other mornings.    5. I want you to take me to all of your favorite places, even if they are across the globe.    6. My closet is always messy. I have too many dresses and no ability to keep them neat.   7. Dancing is incredibly important to me. When I can't do it, I'm not myself.   8. If I can't breathe or move, get me under the shower. That usually helps.   9. Be honest with me at all times. Guessing games are not my thing.

Did you know my hair is red? You did, because you can see it And you know what red hair means, don't you? Did you know my skin is white? You did, because it's unavoidable really For some, it's all they see Did you know I'm a woman? You did, because I look like you'd expect of one The boobs, the hips, the hair tells my story for me Did you know I'm a happy person? You did, because I smile and I laugh And you can't see my depression disorder, now can you? Did you know I'm a lazy person? You did, because I am a little too fat and stay too much indoors My introversion, anxiety and leg injury are rarely apparent

Most of me is crying Most of me is empty Both, at the same time It is frustrating to no end It's confusing to every end I care It hurts my heart I don't care It hurts others Neither. Neither is good.

My body is too tired My head is too loud My heart just wants peace But it is too proud   The nights are too long The days are even longer The demons are strong But love turns out stronger   I am still here (am I still fighting?) I am young and free (are these ropes tightening?)

You look at him and you know. You could love him. If you let yourself, you could love him with all you have got. And he looks at you like maybe, he could love you too.   The next day he is gone, and though he never meant to, he broke your heart just the same. Nice guys do that too.   You never know, do you? You never really know for sure.

So there is this moment when you smile, because it is actually the thing you want to do, it is the most natural thing to do in that moment.   And then there is this next moment following the smiling one where all you can do is wonder –   How is it possible to be happy? How is it possible to feel anything at all?   Your insides are black, and light will never shine through. In this darkness nothing can ever grow.

Some days are pitch black, no light is getting in.   Some days are gray on gray, and nothing seems to matter.   Some days you hardly notice; they were there, and then they weren't.   Some days are better - the sun shining on your face feels warm.   Some days happens though you wish they'd rather not.   Some days seem to be your last, but then you get through it and on to the tomorrow.

I am not living, life is no friend of mine. I am surviving, existing on other people's terms. It is my conscience, that is keeping me alive - it is my conscience, that does not let me live. That voice which is both telling me; I am worth nothing and I'm worth everything to someone.

Jeg lever ikke, livet er ikke min ven. Jeg overlever, eksisterer på andres præmisser. Det er min samvittighed, der holder mig i live - det er min samvittighed, der ikke lader mig leve. Stemmen der både fortæller mig at jeg er intet værd og jeg er alt værd for nogen.

I'm quiet and I am loud - in different settings and different moods.   I'm big and I am small - depends if you see my unruly hair or look over my head.   I'm calm and I am a shaking mess - one is in my attitude and one is under my skin.   I'm normal and I am goddamn special. Like everyone else in this entire world.

I'm exhausted fighting this war from both sides every moment of every day.   I'm exhausted being oh so aware of what is right and what is wrong but not being able  to use it in this war.   I'm exhausted fighting for my life when I so badly  and so desperately want to give up let go.   I'm exhausted going one step forward then two steps back having to start over time after time.   I'm exhausted trying my hardest to survive without even living.

I lived my life in colors. They're still here - on my walls on my nails on the grass outside my window, but inside me everything is gray.   I lived my life with a smile. It's still here - on my lips in my eyes in the mirrors I walk past, but inside me it's gone.   I lived my life filled with love. It's still here - for my family for my friends for love itself, but now it's a burden.   I lived my life in freedom. It's still here - it's all my possibilities it's my position in life it's this ever diverse world, but I can't make any choices.   Nothing has changed. But I have forgotten how - I saw beauty in every color I smiled with all my heart I loved for myself I actively chose life. On the outside everything is the same, on the inside I am gone.

My body is shaking, fighting, and I have no idea if it's fighting to live or to die.   Because in my head is a war, a thundercloud, a darkness, a battle against everything I am.   Has my body given up? Or is it possible to win this war still?