Did I Stutter?

You’re in college, dammit. Grow the hell up.

One time I was at the original Rubio’s Taco Shop in California and I was with a few friends, and I was the last to order.

I had it all planned out, “street tacos, no guac, and some chips please.”

It was a mantra in my head, street tacos street tacos, No guac, I should say guacamole they might not know ‘guac,’ who am I kidding this is a Mexican place, I’m forgetting some-CHIPS.

My friends moved to grab a table. I was the last to order, all alone in line. Street tacos no guac hold the chips, no, I want chips, what does it mean to hold some thing like that…?

It was my turn and I stood before the counter, absolutely Dumbstruck.

Street tacos no guac and some chips please.

“I… I’ll hav-“ rapid eye movement, “I-I um…” cashier’s staring at me, there’s people behind me… “I, I’m sorry.” SCAN THE MENU AGAIN WHAT WERE YOU ORDERING I DONT REMEMBER WHERE THE HECK DID MY FRIENDS GO I SHOULDA HAD SOMEONE ELSE ORDER FOR ME LIKE I ALWAYS DO!

“I um… Uh…” he thinks you’re crazy… “K… que… quesa…” people are staring. “QUESADILLA!”

Five minutes later:

Me: *sits down quietly*

Friend: you get your tacos?

Me: no, man, I legit panicked and ordered a quesadilla.

Friend: you’re lactose intolerant…

BASED ON A TRUE EXPERIENCE LAST WEEK

Imagine you are standing before your class, about to give a presentation. You have practiced time and time again, but you are still nervous. Not nervous because you don’t know the material. Not nervous because you have stage fright. Nervous because no matter how hard you try, no matter how hard you focus, you can’t help but stutter.

Even something as simple as your name comes out alien. Your gut ties up as the slurring of words brings the blood to your face. Your eyes dart back and forth, hoping to find a sincere face in the crowd.

You push on, knowing that you can get through this. Even though you keep stumbling over words– words that you have practiced alone without issue– you can see the light at the end of the tunnel. however, that light soon fades.

“What are they thinking?” Is the first thing you think of. Anxiety wraps around your brain. It’s a terrible cage you are locked in. Your mind refuses to let any positive thoughts come into your thoughts. “When you stutter, you are not good enough.”

You try, unconsciously, to decipher the look on one of the students’ faces who is meeting eye contact.

“Are they staring?”

“They think I’m an idiot.”

“They can’t even understand me.”

“They are laughing inside.”

As you struggle to press your name from your lungs, the class roars in laughter.

DO NOT LAUGH AT THOSE WHO STUTTER. Please.

“Over the years, we’ve come to understand the parallels between homosexuality/bisexuality and stuttering. Twice, we come out of the closet. Twice, we choose between community and isolation. Twice, we contend with well-meaning professionals who want to make us “normal.” Twice, we deal with families who don’t fully accept us. Twice, we create our own circles of understanding friends.”

Quotation from Passing Twice

Echolalia, monotone voices, stuttered speech, slurred speech, labored breathing between words and sentences, mechanical AAC voices,  AAC or sign users who consider those to be their voices, selectively mute voices, disorganized speech, speech with vocal tics, speech considered to be of “inappropriate volume”, speech with vocal stims, all disabled voices and the ways they present

Asthma

Yes I know I just stuttered, yes I’ve stuttered all my life. It’s enough when people mock you/make a joke about your speech impediment.

Why is it so hard you know. “Not to blatantly point out something someone is clearly already insecure about”.