She gasped in pain, her mouth open, a tendril of saliva threatening to drip onto the floor. She wanted to fight, she wanted to scream. She did neither. If she moved too much: snap. If he moved enough: snap. If there was anything Devon knew, it was this. There always seemed to be moments like this in her life. Every life she decided to live. It was getting old.
"Hybrid,"Â she spat the word out through gasps. Her cheek pressed hard against the floor, she dug her nails into his wrist. Again, her English was wrapped around lost Russian words that clawed their way out of her throat. "If you are going to kill me, then do it before I get loose. For your own sake."Â
In all her years, Devon had known all sorts of people. They had all carried different things, different ideas. All these things were determined by a sort of necessity. The different things had varying weights. Some carried trinkets -- lockets, watches, bibles -- others carried feelings -- love, lust, loss -- and some people carried poses. Poses of themselves, mostly.Â
Determined by a certain amount of superstition. A fear of God, of the unknown, of the known. Good luck pebbles, a rabbit foot, a tooth that had fallen from the mouth of a loved one. Though admittedly, it had been centuries since Devon had seen anything so gruesome as the last one.Â
They carried lighters and lights and lamps. They carried memories. When someone carried a load that was too heavy, they left things behind for others to find in their wake. Pieces of themselves. Of their identity. The heavy things. The not so heavy things. The things they had no need or want to part with, but would part with anyway. If only to spare themselves the pain that came with shouldering the same thing for too long. Often, she had seen people carry each other. People who were too weak to stand. She had thought it kind. Gentle. Weak.Â
For the most part, Devon prided herself with carrying nothing. Or -- more accurately -- little to nothing. She carried poise, dignity, wistful resignation. She carried pride and a stiff demeanour. She carried the fear of dying, but even more than that, she carried the fear to show her fear. To show her weakness. To show her desperation. She no longer imagined the world in black and white or even grey. She imagined shades of red and blue and varying shades of gold.Â
She used the sharp tongue and bitter indignation that she carried with her to hide a terrible softness inside of her. It wasn't so much cruelty or callous as it was a pretence. Devon was, and would always be, something of an actor. Something of a liar. A deceiver. Vain and fickle. Flighty, above all else. When she found herself lost or losing, she decided it seemed too predictable. Too scripted to be real. Her lines were memorised, the dance rehearsed with tragic irony. A dance to disguise the truth, as if to encyst and destroy reality altogether until she found the world she desired.Â
Devon felt the heavy weight of a woman who might have died long ago. Grief, terror, longing. Acts of cowardliness, acts of shame, the fear of blushing too fiercely. The fear of everything. She carried too many things on the inside. Too many things she wanted to let go, if only she knew how. (All she had done in the wake of her failures was dispense the feeling of love. A wildly overrated emotion, in her own opinion.)
"If you will not kill me then you will let me go, if I will not be killed by an Original, then I will not be killed by you. You'll have to wait in line for that," she tried to use the floor to pull her hair out of her mouth, her accent thick as she spoke.Â