I'm an adult. No, really.

Links to tea egg pictures and descriptions:

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tea_egg

I didnt believe that our friendship could be so fucking situational. Okay im gone for a couple of days, i still spend the bulk of my time at home. Except it doesnt feel like home, it feels awkward, i feel out of place - unwanted. So i spend some more time with him because at least he shows that he wants me. And im so happy but i cant be completely happy because im feeling guilty. And i come back and its worse, you dont care to ask where ive been, what ive been doing, you are so afraid of what he might do but you dont care when im with him??? What the fuck am i supposed to think?? And then i hate being at home, hate walking in on conversations and the room going quiet, hate having stupidly polite interactions in the hallway, hate lying in bed and waiting for everyone to go into their rooms before going to the toilet because i cant be fucked feeling like shit anymore. And i go back to him because he loves me, makes me feel alive, talks to me, listens to me. I know what im doing, i know its partly my fault i should fix it, but no! Why does it always have to be me? Why should i be the one to reach out? Why dont you care enough to say something? Doesn’t it bother you at all??! Have you moved on, is this what all those years have culminated into? Is it really that easy for you?! “You dont talk about them anymore” he mentions one day “is everything okay?” “Everything is fine” i say And he knows its not he knows goddammit but he doesn’t press because he knows me too well, loves me too much. He knows how to say just enough that i stop hiding, that i think about it and do something and i did. I know you dont agree with me i know you dont trust him but just because i choose to be with him does not mean that i have changed! That my morals are now under question! And feeling that way, feeling that you see me that way now has made it all worse.