Depression is a Mindset

I can say, finally, kinda: I'm over him.

He's just an angry man with little self-esteem who feels like receiving too little but expecting too much. Because of his ADHD he's in constant need of excitement but not capable of looking for the adventure he seeks. He's aggressive towards everyone and everything and I no longer want to feel responsible for his needs, thoughts and emotions.

He felt unloved but in reality he was loved but couldn't see or accept the fact because of himself feeling unworthy of love. Therefore he keeps pushing away everything and everyone.

That's fine. That does not make him a bad person. I see that he's in fact not capable of having anyone close to him - at the moment, maybe even in general.

However it does make him a person I can't love without losing myself in the process. I'm not willing to let that happen.

Soo..this is goodbye. Greetings. Have a great life. Please don't bother me anymore.

The next morning one would find me and get me into a hospital instead of just...letting me be - or not be in that case.

I know I'm not the only one feeling that way.

And I hate the thought that others feel that way too or even worse.

My stupid brain is still hoping that he'd write to me on another platform or just call me because I just blocked him on WhatsApp...

Him: doesn't answer for hours, keeps responding distanced and uninterested in any conversation and has a short temper. Is confused why I like him and responds to that with 'I don't know if I can have these kind of feey'

Also him: (we watched a movie together via discord and discussed which one to watch next. I say jokingly Fifty shades of grey because he mentioned the movie earlier in another context) No, we can't watch that because I can't touch you.

First, don't care about the people in my life.

Second, get rid of the people I care about.

Because it's not rape if you don't say no

It wasn't consensual either but he didn't notice or he didn't care. I don't know.

The first experience of intimacy you still think about and blush secretly because you were clueless, shy and caring and you did it with someone you thought you loved...He took that away from me.

I hurt him. I didn't mean to.

He tried hurting me in return.

My natural response: You wanna hurt me? Nice try, let me overshare. *tells stuff about the PTSD trauma* Now try again.

I'll be fucking hurt if he tries again. It's some kind of sick test. If he takes the chance I can at least get rid of him knowing that it's no mistake. The mistake would be trying in the first place.

The trauma-part of me wants him to hurt me and wants him to confirm my expectations.

The rational-part wants to get rid of him immediately without hesitation.

I think he kinda avoided saying that he didn't feel the same. He talked shit about the distance and how that is too far and we both being mentally ill and found a billion reasons why we can't be anything but friends.

I wished he'd just say "sorry, I don't feel the same"