Welcome

                             JASON MENDOZA of THE GOOD PLACE

‘  hi, guys! i’m broken.  ’ ‘  send nude pics of your heart to me.  ’ ‘  man, repressing your feelings is great.  ’ ‘  i just want to sit and stare at nothing and silently scream for the rest of time.  ’ ‘  birth is a curse and existence is a prison.  ’ ‘  it’s ancient history? it was happening until twenty seconds ago.  ’ ‘  one of the perks of living alone is that i get to just walk around naked.  ’ ‘  i’ll miss you too, you sexy skyscraper.  ’ ‘  you were already at almost-maximum hotness, but now you look like a sexy, tan rapunzel. ugh, the dream.  ’ ‘  well, hooking up with someone with the exact same name, it is kind of a fun, narcissistic fantasy… i could be into it.  ’ ‘  so far, i’m the best student. i’m gonna be the velociraptor.  ’ ‘  i feel like ‘friends’ in season eight, out of ideas and forcing joey and rachel together, even though it made no sense.  ’ ‘  i once got lost on an escalator, so i’m not exactly christopher columbus.  ’ ‘  we’ve been through this thousands of times. i mean, can you… just chill out? is that possible?  ’ ‘  you deserve to be happy because you are an impressive, thoughtful, and special person… not to mention, you have a rockin’ bod.  ’ ‘  any place or thing in the universe can be up to 104% perfect. that’s how we got beyonce.  ’ ‘  because of reasons. there are reasons! they exist and i don’t want to explain them right now.  ’ ‘  i’m a canyon… full of poo-poo.  ’ ‘  they are a couple and i am a third part of that couple.  ’ ‘  it’s suddenly very important that i get drunk.  ’ ‘  you got dreams in life? that’s lit.  ’ ‘  be nicer to yourself.  ’ ‘  how can i say no? …can i say no?  ’ ‘  i don’t have a house. i live in a boundless void.  ’ ‘  i have no idea what’s going on, but everyone is talking and i should too.  ’ ‘  be nicer to yourself.  ’ ‘  i’m too young to die and too old to eat off the kid’s menu. what a stupid age i am!  ’ ‘  is this a game? i go first. i call blue!  ’ ‘  aw, man. i wanted to push that button. not cool, dude.  ’ ‘  we know everything. i don’t understand much of it, but you know, i know it.  ’ ‘  that was my first time as a fashion ‘don’t’ and i did not care for it.  ’ ‘  i’m just a girl, towering over a boy, asking him to admit he loves me.  ’ ‘  hey there hot stuff, can i get you a cup of coffee?  ’ ‘  do you have any feelings like that for me again now?  ’ ‘  no, no, no, dude, dude, dude, you don’t have to explain yourself. we are on the same page.  ’ ‘  i am revved up to learn, man. my brain is horny!  ’ ‘  i used to think about how it’s weird they don’t make pants that are just one big pant leg for both your legs.  ’ ‘  i felt bad about what i did. it was a weird feeling. not used to it. didn’t love it.  ’ ‘  yeah, i love you. ugh, that’s embarrassing. i feel so itchy.  ’ ‘  go fork yourself, you mean giraffe.  ’ ‘  who needs a soulmate anyway? my soulmate will be… books.  ’ ‘  what do we do? panic? freak? i usually panic, but i am happy to freak!  ’ ‘  we’re gonna have assignments and quizzes and papers… it’s gonna be so much fun!  ’ ‘  i’m in a perfect utopia and i have a stomachache.  ’ ‘  i need to step outside for some air. and… i will not be back. for many days.  ’ ‘  the point is, you’re cool, dope, fresh, and smart-brained.  ’ ‘  yeah, dude. i’m not a monster… anymore.  ’ ‘  i’m good. just hang out with her and name constellations after each other or whatever it is nerds do. i’m fine on my own.  ’ ‘  i’m in this. we’re a team.  ’ ‘  she makes the bass drop… in my heart.  ’ ‘  is that some kind of nerd pick-up line? because it’s only kind of working.  ’ ‘  ugh, of course your hugs are amazing.  ’ ‘  okay, that’s really specific and that makes me think that you definitely did do that.  ’ ‘  yeah, mm-hmm, everything is fine, it’s okay, yeah. i’m fine. so, it’s all fine.  ’ ‘  look away! everybody look away. i’m going to keep watching, but you guys look away.  ’ ‘  ugh, talking about your feelings is the worst.  ’ ‘  i’ve been keeping a secret from you… about you. the thing is, it’s not even harming you and if i tell you i feel like it might harm you. so, uh, ethically speaking, i don’t think i have to tell you.  ’ ‘  has anyone ever told you what a drag you are?  ’ ‘  ‘bearer of bad news’? uh, i think you mean ‘bad news bear’.  ’ ‘  honestly, the best move is to get another dude and just go to town. rebound guy.  ’ ‘  but i am happy for them! i am! i am! am i? i am! i am not. i am not. i am not that. i am not happy for them.  ’ ‘  i totally get it. i mean, he’s a ding dong, but also a straight hottie.  ’ ‘  you want to hear his side? oh, no, no, no. that’ll only slow things down.  ’ ‘  no! right? no, it felt like a no when i was doing it.  ’ ‘  here’s the thing, i’m nice to you and you’re mean to me. there’s something wrong about that, but i can’t put my finger on it.  ’ ‘  how am i doing? oh, well, you know… stomach’s in knots, i’m stress-grinding my teeth, and it feels like i’m being suffocated.  ’ ‘  just shove your feelings way deep down, plaster on a smile, and pretend your having fun.  ’ ‘  just shove your feelings way deep down, plaster on a smile, and pretend your having fun… just like i do when someone starts talking about their kids.  ’ ‘  how do i put this delicately… it’s all stupid garbage!  ’ ‘  i’m sorry i dragged you into this.  ’ ‘  i’m sorry that i never did laundry… and that i waited until you were about to do yours and secretly tossed mine into the basket to trick you into doing it.  ’ ‘  that’s a very, very bad idea. don’t be yourself!  ’ ‘  great. yet again, it’s everyone against me because everyone except me is an idiot. why am i the only person who clearly sees what’s going on here?  ’