deliberately aimless

Ilya is genuinely trying to get to know Shane. He wanted him to stay, a cooked for him, made sure he had his beverage of choice and then started asking him questions about himself. Ilya wanted to know if Shane was bi like him or gay because "I never see you with girls" while also trying to tell him that, yes, he has lots of meaningless sex, but it's different with Shane, "I like you."

But Shane hears this and thinks Ilya means that he's just one of the many meaningless hook-ups that he has. And on top of that Shane is freaking out because I don't think anyone has ever outright asked him about his sexuality. The sexuality that he, himself, has very much not come to terms with "of course I do" he says, because he still thinks he can do that. Can be with a girl and be okay with it.

a lazy person doesn’t put this much effort in. doesn’t give his brother mountain after mountain of money. doesn’t go back to a country he hates because his family needs him. needs, not wants, and yet he does it anyway. doesn’t put his all into a game that doesn’t support him. doesn’t put his all into the very game driving a wedge between him and his father. doesn’t learn english for a game. doesn’t sit and research alzheimers for so long a word like “genetic” comes out so naturally. doesn’t start 10 steps behind and end up side by side with Shane Hollander.

shane doesn’t even know any of this. he doesn’t know and yet he turns and says “i do not know that side of you”.

He’s angry and disgusted at himself for being jealous because this has never happened to him before. He has never cared about sharing a lover before, but the thought of Shane loving someone who is not him is making him sick and he doesn’t know how to control it. We’ve talked a lot about Ilya’s need for control due to the lack of it in his own life and how his sexual dynamic with Shane satisfies a lot of that need, but now Ilya has totally lost control of the situation with Shane and he’s spiralling out.

He aggressively checks Shane into the boards. He angrily storms out of the room when he sees Shane and Rose on TV. He stares in disgust and anguish at himself in the mirror.

This is someone who has no idea what to do with all that he’s feeling. He’s not angry at Shane; he’s angry at himself for caring, for needing Shane, for trying to take more from Shane than what he thinks he deserves. He has never felt anything like this and it’s eating him up inside. He would give anything to not feel it - he goes to the club to get drunk and get laid, only to find the very bane of his existence there lived up with his new girlfriend.

Ilya, who is usually so good at compartmentalizing and hiding how he feels, is in uncharted territory - he’s in love and he knows it, and he has no idea what to do with everything he’s feeling, so he lashes out.

The way Shane always folds his clothes. The dropping of eyes and minute twitch at the corner of Connor Storrie’s mouth as Ilya notices but chooses not to make fun of him for it. The hypnotic state Shane gets in when he’s close enough to Ilya, the total mask-dropping when Ilya Ice Princess Rozanov is fucking Canada’s Golden Boy, probably-too-good-for-me Shane Hollander. These aren’t just smutty treats for a horny audience to bring in ratings, they’re ALL character moments.

This is not a cat/dog relationship, they’re both cats