Let the Night in.

i used to be afraid to say what i said in that last post because of that superstition, that nagging "what if...?", better to be safe than sorry. but im just saying fuck it now and saying what i really think. in my own opinion. because i dont want to be controlled by my own mind. so what.

what even got me into christianity in the first place is my extremely strong imagination. look, there are certain things i cannot hear people talk about because i start vividly like tasting and smelling, involuntarily. so like some street preacher approached me and i figured what the hell, i wanna know about this religion ive heard so much about my whole life. what the fuck is it. and they told me to call out to jesus if i ever needed help. and this was a time where i was having like really bad flashbacks all the time. im over that now. so like i try calling out to jesus in the middle of one of those and i see a figure of white light and suddenly im like free of all this fucking weight thats had me snared. so. that experience is what led me to giving it a serious shot. because it made me feel like i could actually overcome my past, and that there was hope for the future. that's the power of suggestion. its like a mental placebo pill. yeah. i dont regret the experience since i learned a lot about the human mind through it. but it wasnt from following these bullshit rules that the people around me were telling me. it was my own perception, that i was told there was a way out and i believed in it and i imagined it. thats all there is to it.

sometimes i wonder if astrology has any truth to it. because i have venus in scorpio. well thats tropical. in sidereal its libra. thats one of those things that drove me crazy when i actually wanted to believe in astrology is that u dont know which version ppl are talking about always. its too much. I am such a nitpicker about stupid shit. this tendency is what led to me giving up on christianity because i couldnt get an answer from the pastors on how celebrating the sabbath on sunday instead of saturday is not corrupting the 4th commandment. because the christians changed that to avoid persecution and also to appeal to pagans who already had a holy day on sunday. and now nobody gives a fuck about that and it drives me insane so i cant believe anything about the religion. YOU HAVE TO TAKE IT SERIOUSLY. IF ITS LITERAL THEN ITS LITERAL. YOU CANT PICK AND CHOOSE. THATS THE RULE, RIGHT? theyre so unwilling to admit that its just a fucking culture and a bunch of human choices. they need the veneer of something passed down from god. its bullshit. virgo rising/mars btw. virgo sun in sidereal. everyone stereotypes virgos as ultracritics, insane bean-counters. maybe its just human nature instead. 🖕🖕🖕🖕