Words to no one.

I can feel so deeply. I can listen so intently. I can wait so patiently. I see the details your face makes when you turn a smile to a laugh. I get goose bumps just listening to music. I can feel what a person feels even though I have never felt it at all. I can see the measurements of a object digitized in my mind. Yet I am alone. I have never had friends, just acquaintances. I asked to hang out and play countless times. Yet the answer is always the same. I get confused when people think I am being nosy when I just was curious. I get lost when people think I am angry when I am not even close. I raise my voice when I am excited and that makes people think I am angry. I talk alot but people think I am arguing. I am honest and people think I am rude. I dont like social groups. I dont like clicks. I dont like leaders when the party should be equal. I want to have friends that understand the things I say. Why is that so hard to ask.

Type of mood where you blabber about the world's history and why pyramids have pillars connected to the bottom of the base.

I feel so dislocated. Drifting in a ocean of self doubt and misery. I wish to be comforted but my mouth is sown shut. My eyes are fixed with pain screaming out of every pore in my body. I want to be loved. I want to be seen and held. I just can't scream hard enough in my head to let you know. So you just your head thinking I need to face this alone.... but I dont want too...

I feel like a stranger these days. Slowly losing connections. Slowly falling into a hole.

Days before my birthday I can't just not think of you. How can i not think of a wish I wish would come true. Being able to see you or even talk to you again would make my life complete. Seeing you like this haunts me. It haunts me because it felt like I caused this path. Talking to you that night and giving you that advice felt like I signed you up for hell. I should of told you to be selfish. I should of kept you till school started. I didnt want you to leave. I didnt want you to go. I didnt want you to experience that horrible accident. I am so sorry in some way I feel like I caused this. I am sorry I hurt you. I am sorry I doomed you, trying to make you a better person. I just saw a greatness in you. So great I had to say something to make you a king of this world. But it felt like because you were so great you had to go through the worst thing ever. I am sorry Arthur. I miss you so much. I want you to get back to normal.

When I told her I'd give anything to kiss her soul. I meant it.

Just same old stuff leading me looking for someone to talk to. Someone familiar a brother a sister maybe mom, but no one seems to be anywhere. I just hate feeling so alone.

It's been 2 years since your accident and I am so utterly lost. I believe you will get to where you want to be. But at the same time my mind is already thinking of things to say at your funeral. It's such a fucked up thing to think about. Most of my thoughts day by day, has you and all the adventures we took in all the games we played. It has all the choices I could of made to keep you a bit longer from the world that so wanted to see you fall. I love you so much Arthur. As much as you were a little brother, I looked up to you like a big brother.