auroras and sad prose

i wanted to be loved and or kind and or gentle. everything i needed to say i ended up wanting to scream. every action had a razor blade along its seam. i tried tea and meditation and mary oliver. astral projection and prayer. tried walking until i couldn't walk anymore, walking until there was no road left, and then sank into whatever sunset i found at the end of it. "the soft animal of my body" i thought desperately, and ended up craving after her for years, rendered useless in my longing.

It is November. The year on its deathbed. I have outlived my body so many times these months. Like wildflowers in concrete, I am trying to grow between the syllables of my name.

yes its been five years but i am not over emma hallucinating that she severed all parabatai bonds while coming back from thule, just to turn and see jem bleeding as he asks "emma, emma how could you?" i mean WHAT a perfect scene to show how powerful the parabatai bond is. throughout tda the bond becomes an antagonist as julian and emma struggle against it, and its hard to remember that its actually a beautiful way to connect two souls. one of my favorite parts of the shadowhunters books is how cassie shows how powerful and overwhelming platonic love can be, and will and jem are the embodiment of that. the bond isnt just a symbol of their love but the physical manifestation of its endurance, and thats why the seelie queens proposal to break all bonds is so tragic. to take away that kind of connection is sacrilege, even at the cost of romantic love. one is not greater than the other, and thats one of the subtle but beautifully written themes threading through tda.