Smooth is my Butter Name

1% …

2% …

But anime and video game boob jiggling is like. The most uncanny valley shit I've ever seen nine times out of ten. You would think people this horny about tits would have actually looked at some but I guess not.

4. Can Do

the pro-recycling message is worth something, but this is a game defined by its absence of soda. you are crushing empty aluminum cans that may not even have ever contained soda. only barely qualifies as soda-themed

3. Crab Snacks

the soda is out of focus, only briefly on screen, and actively meant as a distraction from the gameplay. I would 100% drink that fruit flavored soft drink though

2. Soda Hop

this one would be the obvious winner, but the soda bottle you play as in this game is, inexplicably, not even a soda bottle. it's an orange juice bottle. why is this game called soda hop

1. A for Effort

That is, when an official told you, a rice farmer, that you owed more taxes than you really did, it was very useful if you were good enough at math to know he was lying (and could prove it) and if you were good enough at writing to write a letter to your government defending your case.

Name: Lethal Lava Land Debut: Super Mario 64

Look. As your Weird Mario Worlds Tour Guide, I need to intervene here: you can NOT be planning a vacation to Lethal Lava Land. I mean, it literally has "Lethal" in the name! There are plenty of better lands you can visit. Shifting Sand Land, that's a good one. Yoshi's Is-Land, that's a lovely place. Anywhere would be better than Lethal Lava Land.

I mean shoot, I tried to bring a postcard from this place, but when I went back to look at it, it was just a pile of ash! A pile of ash much larger than the postcard itself, mind you. I'm a little concerned with how it produced that much ash, but it should be a good indicator of just how hot Lethal Lava Land is!

...What? You're still insisting you want to check out Lethal Lava Land. Well, it's your funeral. That's what it said on the postcard! "Don't Come to Lethal Lava Land! It's Your Funeral!"

Well. I suppose I have a job to do then. Gotta put imaginary bread on the table for my imaginary wife and imaginary kids. (The table itself is very real.)

You might be looking for positives if you're so insistent on taking a vacation to Lethal Lava Land, but there really isn't any. Not even the local populace is friendly! It's mostly Bullies. They're gonna try to steal your lunch money and push you into the lava. Oh right, most of Lethal Lava Land is lava. You might've inferred that from the fact it's called Lethal Lava Land.

If you don't like being Bullied, then I guess you can stop by and visit Mr. I. I'm sure he's trying to look out for you by blowing bubbles to cool you off, but make no mistake: those bubbles HURT. There is no reprieve in Lethal Lava Land. Even the bubbles are deadly. The bubbles!

As far as local attractions go, you do have the world's most heat-resistant log, which I guess is something. It's kind of impressive. Usually wood gets used as kindling, so it's impressive there's one completely in tact in a place that's so Lava it's Lethal. So impressive, I'm not buying it. It's probably plexiglass or something.

What else? There's this drawbridge. I'm not really sure why it's here. There's not a ton of boats sailing on the lava on account of it's lava. I don't think there's anything to gain by putting a drawbridge here. It really just exists to inconvenience you unless you're some kinda super talented shell surfer. But don't overestimate your ability lest you end up taking a swim in the world's deadliest hot tub.

As far as entertainment goes, there's really just this slide puzzle. I guess that's pretty cool if you like slide puzzles, but I must warn you: this puzzle is really big, constantly shuffling itself, and also depicting local Bad Guy King Morton Bowser Koopa Sr., so putting any effort into solving it is probably a bad idea.

Most you can do is sit by and try to watch it solve itself. Which to be fair... is kinda entertaining in its own way, but knowing how things are these days there's probably someone livestreaming it 24/7.

As far as natural wonders go, you have the inside of the volcano, but when I have to list "going inside an active volcano" as a point in favor of a vacation destination, it may as well be a lost cause.

I mean look at the evil fucking painting you have to step through to even reach Lethal Lava Land! Is this something you hang up when you want to welcome people to your home?!

I'm sorry, but I don't think there's any reason you should go to Lethal Lava Land. All you'll find if you do make the trip is a pool of lava filled with random assets the developers made and had nowhere else to put. I guess it's a kind of place you don't get to see much anymore, since these days people are concerned with "level design" and "realism"...

Stay with me.

We do not know how the hell the Gay Pirate Plate was first acquired. This being a point of contention is actually pretty plot-relevant; the saga of the Gay Pirate Plate began with my grandmother and her sister, who, for some ungodly reason, both BADLY wanted the Gay Pirate Plate and believed it to be rightfully theirs.

I should back up, firstly, to establish: The Gay Pirate Plate is the cheapest, tackiest, ugliest plate in existence.

It is in no way a collector’s item. It is physically impossible for it to complement anyone’s decor, because the colors in it are garish. It’s just a ceramic plate with a gay pirate painted on it, and the painting is, this cannot be emphasized enough, extremely bad.

(How do we know the pirate is gay if he’s just posing on a plate? Listen. Fully 100% to stereotype, but he is. He is gay. There’s an energy. That pirate is a flaming homosexual. That pirate has sex with men and does it frequently. That pirate is fucking gay, all right, he just is.)

Anyway. The point is that this is an extremely cheap and ugly plate with a poorly-executed painting of pirate on it who is like a nine on the Kinsey scale.

My grandmother and her sister fought a blood feud over this plate for their entire lives. It would be on the wall in my grandma’s house, and then her sister would visit, and then it would be gone. She’d visit her sister and the plate would be on the wall and her sister would pretend it had always been there. She would steal it back, hang it up, and, when her sister visited, pretend it had always been there. This continued for DECADES.

When the sister died, the Gay Pirate Plate lived triumphantly in my grandmother’s house. And then my grandmother died. And my aunt, who had lived with her and been her carer throughout her life, rightfully inherited their house.

We visit my aunt after the funeral and stay with her for a week or two.

Me, my sister, and our dad. Her brother.

The three of us look at each other. We don’t say anything. We studiously avoid making eye contact with the Gay Pirate Plate mounted proud and ugly on the wall. We notice one another studiously avoiding looking at it. We notice one another noticing. We say nothing. We come to a silent consensus. We pack up to leave. We get in the van. Our aunt comes out to say goodbye. I loudly announce I need to use the restroom before we leave. She obviously stays outside to continue talking to my dad.

I take down the Gay Pirate Plate, stuff it under my oversized sweatshirt, go outside, and get in the van. She happily waves goodbye as we drive off.

Two days later my dad gets a phone call that opens with hysterical laughter and “You FUCKING ASSHOLE did you seriously STEAL THE PLATE–”

Anyway. The gay pirate plate lives in my dad’s house currently.

The plate must be clearly and openly displayed in a place of great prominence whenever it is in your possession. When it is not in your possession, the display piece must remain in place. This is where you would put your gay pirate plate, IF YOU HAD ONE.

No active steps may be taken to prevent the theft of the Gay Pirate Plate. That goes against the spirit of the game, as does attempting to hide it.

The plate MUST be stolen and cannot be gifted or removed with permission. Should you witness attempted theft of the Gay Pirate Plate you are required to intervene and return it to its place.

ich bin immer ein falsches wort davon entfernt von all den leuten erschossen zu werden die mich erträglich finden

Notes:

A wager