Shame's Only Daughter

☆ My stories (by recency) ☆

☆ I Don't Know Why I Bite ☆

Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9 | Part 10 | Part 11 | Part 12 | Part 13

Fandom: The Long Walk Main pairing: Gary Barkovitch x fem!oc Summary: Birdie Tucker is the first girl to ever participate in the Long Walk. She never expected to meet someone like Gary Barkovitch along the way. Status: Ongoing - epilogue coming soon Word Count: 41,354 Chapter count: 13 Last updated: 12 August 2026

☆ Brooklyn Baby ☆

Part II | Part III ❤️‍🔥 | Part IV | Bonus I | Bonus II | Bonus III ❤️‍🔥 | Bonus IV

SFW Alphabet | NSFW Alphabet ❤️‍🔥

Read the Q&A and patch notes

Fandom: Geese/Music RPF Main Pairing: Cameron Winter x fem!oc Summary: Best friends since senior year of high school, Cameron and Allison are the epitome of will they/won't they. When she complains that they never got to have a real prom, Cam takes matters into his own hands. Status: Completed (bonus chapters are possible) Word count: 33,363 Chapter count: 9 Last updated: 10/05/2026

☆ The Reaper ☆

Fandom: Frankenstein (2025) Main pairing: The Creature/Adam/Frankenstein's Monster x fem!oc Summary: After escaping the cruel grasp of his creator, the creature lurks amongst the millstones behind a cottage, watching and protecting the young woman who lives inside. Status: Ongoing - the prologue may be edited before I continue, in WIP hell Word count: 692 Chapter count: 1 Last updated: 19 November 2025

☆ The Grey Wind ☆

A Different Kind of Sacrament

Fandom: Vikings Main pairing: Athelstan x fem!oc Summary: Moments between Athelstan and Ylva on their journey from master and thrall to lovers. Status: Unfinished - story (if continued) to be published out of chronological order, in WIP hell Word count: 1154 Chapter count: 1 Last updated: 26 May 2025

☆ The Wolf with the Red Roses ☆

Fandom: Harry Potter/Marauders Main pairing: Remus Lupin x fem!oc Summary: At the end of sixth year, the Marauders are set to perform a set at the graduation ball for their upperclassmen. It's a hot summer day and tensions are running high. What will happen when things unsaid come to the surface? Status: Completed Word count: 4425 Chapter count: 1 Last updated: 21 May 2025

☆ My Iron Lung ☆

Fandom: Mickey 17 Main pairing: Mickey Barnes x fem!oc Summary: After a rough death, Mickey needs some TLC. Status: Completed Word count: 1,982 Chapter count: 1 Last updated: 17 April 2025

☆ Needy for a Weedy Shy Guy ☆

Fandom: Flight of the Conchords Main pairing: Bret McKenzie x fem!oc Summary: Bret has the post-breakup blues, and Jemaine is convinced he has the perfect solution... Status: Completed Word count: 3,193 Chapter count: 1 Last updated: 3 January 2025

☆ The Earth From a Distance ☆

Fandom: Hozier/Music RPF Main pairing: Andrew Hozier-Byrne x fem!oc Summary: Gráinne moved to Dunbur to escape her past, to live quietly and write, and wallow in all the grief she had acquired. Andrew has other ideas… Status: Uncertain - it works as a one shot, I have no intention of continuing Word count: 3,664 Chapter count: 1 Last updated: 26 November 2024

☆ We Share the Same Sky ☆

Fandom: Black Country New Road/Music RPF Main pairing: Isaac Wood x fem!oc Summary: Isaac and Ellie are old friends from highschool who reconnect and rapidly fall in love. Status: Unfinished (published exclusively on AO3 due to harassment I have experienced, in WIP hell) Word count: 39,586 Chapter count: 10 Last updated: 9 November 2024

☆ The Craving ☆

Part II | Part III

Fandom: White Fang (1991) Main pairing: Jack Conroy x fem!oc Summary: Quinn has lived in the wild north since childhood, Jack is a city boy who just arrived. Will their differences be a source of attraction, or tear them apart? Status: Unfinished - in WIP hell Word count: 7,226 Chapter count: 3 Last updated: 6 October 2024

☆ These Violent Delights ☆

Part II | Part III | Part IV ❤️‍🔥| Part V | Part VI | Part VII | Part VIII | Part IX ❤️‍🔥

Fandom: House of the Dragon Main Pairing: Davos Blackwood x fem!Bracken!oc Summary: Cersha Bracken should never have been at the battle at the burning mill. By the will of the gods, or by pure chance, she found a wounded foe and decided to carry him to safety. As the natural enemies get to know the people beneath the heraldry, house loyalty becomes a complicated sentiment. Status: Unfinished - in WIP hell Word count: 20,382 Chapter count: 9 Last Updated: 11 September 2024

☆ A Hazy Shade of Winter ☆

Part II

Fandom: The Holdovers Main pairing: Angus Tully x fem!oc Summary: Carol Hunham is stuck at Barton over the Christmas break with her strange and stuffy uncle. To make matters worse, a certain boy takes an immediate disliking to her. Status: Unfinished - in WIP hell Word Count: 4,556 Chapter count: 2 Last updated: 26 April 2024

☆ Midnight At Noonday ☆

Part II | Part III

Fandom: Dead Poet's Society Main pairing: Various x fem!oc Summary: Being the only girl in attendance at one of the most prestigious all-boys preparatory schools in the United States is not easy, but it has its perks. Follow along the plot of Dead Poets Society through the eyes of Clare Keating, the Captain's daughter. Status: Unfishined - in WIP hell Word count: 9295 Chapter count: 3 Last updated: 1 March 2024

☆ The Crimson King ☆

Fandom: A Song of Ice and Fire Main pairing: Rhaegar Targaryen x fem!Crannogman!oc Summary: Frida of House Fenn is visiting King's Landing to swear her family's fealty to the new King Rhaegar of the Seven Kingdoms on the day of his coronation, when she experiences a strange encounter with the king himself in the gardens of the Red Keep. Status: Discontinued - I may rewrite this at some stage, which could lead to writing more parts but I have no current plans to do so Word count: 3,298 Chapter count: 1 Last Updated: 24 October 2023 (written mostly in 2022 and earlier)

☆ Entanglement Theory ☆

Bonus Chapter

Fandom: Sunshine (2007) Main pairing: Robert Capa x fem!oc Summary: Sleepless nights are common on Icarus II... Status: Completed - open to more bonus chapters, ficlets etc Word count: 6133 Chapter count: 2 Last updated: 30 August 2023

☆ Hanging Up My Heart ☆

Fandom: The Allman Brothers Band/Classic Rock RPF Main Pairing: Duane Allman x fem!oc/named!reader Summary: You're content traveling with the Allman Brothers, but when your best friend and fellow groupie chooses to leave to tour with Traffic, will you go with her or stay behind? Status: Completed Word count: 3,544 Chapter count: 1 Last updated: 20 May 2023

☆ Let Me Mend the Past ☆

Day 4 – Mile 228 contd.

Moonshine hangovers are the worst. They make your head pound with every beat of your heart, make the blood rush in your ears impossibly loud. Woosh, woosh, woosh. A bad one will turn you blind. What I’m feeling now is worse than the consequences of the very lowest, dirtiest Kentucky moonshine I’ve ever had the misfortune of imbibing. I squeeze my eyes shut. The smallest comfort I have is knowing that I can still see – at least well enough to tell that the sun is blazing down on me. If I had to guess, I’d say I hit my head. I have no idea how it might have happened. I can’t even grasp any kind of context as to what I was doing five minutes ago, or five days, for that matter.

“What’s wrong with ‘er?” I hear a voice, broad and flat vowel-ed. There’s a spark of recognition. I can’t quite place who’s speaking, but I know that I love him. “Why won’t she get up?”

I peek my eyes open, and in the fraction of a second before the sun blasts me back into submission, I see three figures standing over me: one shorter than the others.

“Hey, look.” Says another voice, softer and more youthful. “She’s tryna open her eyes.”

“Just give her some space.” Says the third. This voice has a slight accent, and sends an unusual chill of something like embarrassment down my spine. “She had a rough time, just needs a second to adjust.”

“Ay, uh…” The first voice speaks up again. “D’ya think we should’ve kept ‘em together?”

“No,” Says the third. “I waited a damn long time to speak to her. The second she sees him, it’ll be over.”

“I mean, sure. But, is this really the best time to do it? Right after she wakes up? I mean, you saw what I was like. You’re gonna scare the shit outta her, man.”

“Listen, bonsai,” The third says. “I’ve done this shit forty fucking times – forty-one, actually. You just leave it to me.” The sun behind my eyes dims, and when he speaks again, it’s from a lot closer. “She made it to sixth place, mano. She’s tough. She’ll be fine.”

“Okay, first of fuckin’ all, don’t call me that. I’m Chinese, not fuckin’ Japanese. We call that shit ‘penjing.’”

“Okay, okay, chinito, no need to get all defensive.” He snickers.

“Ay, fuck you, man.” I listen to the crunch of footsteps on the ground as he walks away. “Just don’t come whining to me when she starts crying and freaking out all over the place.”

“Whatever, mano. Hey.” The accented voice murmurs, much softer now that he’s close. “Good morning, sunshine.”

I manage to lift my hand up and shade my eyes, opening them a fraction wider. Through the crack in my vision I see a boy. I blink, forcing his fuzzy form into focus. He’s kneeling beside me, one wrist resting on his bent knee. He blots out the offending light with his mop of dark hair, and as I open my eyes completely, he smiles. He’s deeply tanned with an easy, slouchy manner to him, and kind, dark eyes.

“You ready to face the music?” He chuckles.

I prop myself on my elbow, staring into that familiar face, pressing myself to recognise him. I am overwhelmed by an abstract sense of guilt. I know I’ve wronged this boy terribly, but my scattered thoughts can’t even grasp who he is. He offers me a hand, and as he pulls me up, a silver dog tag slips out from under his shirt. The light catches it, and as I read the number laser cut into the metal, I remember everything in one terrible shock. Everything that happened on this road, all the pain of every second of it. I know now who I’m looking at.

“My God,” I whisper. “It’s you… I’m sorry. Oh, Lord, I’m so sorry!”

“Hey,” His smile cracks into an uncomfortable grin. “Come on. ‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry!’ That’s all you ever say to me. Would it kill you to ask, ‘how are you, Ewing? How’s the weather on the other side?’ Hm?”

“Oh, Jesus,” The breath comes shallow in my chest, heartbeat fluttery and erratic. “I’m s- oh, God-”

“Hey,” He winces. “Ah, to hell with it. Come here, pulga. Bring it in.”

He sits back and opens his arms. I hesitate, wrapping an arm around myself as I suck my knuckle. I feel like I’m going insane. I watched the bullet pop his skull like a snail’s egg. How is he here? How am I here? What’s happening to me? He lets out an exasperated scoff and shuffles closer, putting his rough hand on my shoulder.

“Come on. Don’t cry. We’re fine.”

“What is this?” I sputter. “How are you-? Where are we? Are we dead?”

“Mm,” He scratches the back of his neck. “We probably should address that, huh? Curly?”

Behind him, I notice the other boy. He takes a step toward us, a little gawky and ungainly with his crop of corkscrew ringlets. Exactly as I remember him. He raises his hand and gives me a flat, awkward smile.

“Kid.” I breathe. “You’re… you’re alive.”

“Uh,” He raises his eyebrows and pulls a face, shrugging. “I don’t think I am.” He folds his legs and plops down beside us. “They got me. You saw it.”

“So…” I wring my hands. “We’re dead, then? Aren’t we?”

“Yyyeah. Hate to break it to ya.”

“Yeah, you’re a big help, right, mano?” James rolls his eyes. “You been here longer than any of us and you’re still awkward as all hell.”

“Hey! They don’t train you for this kinda thing. The fuck am I supposed to say to her, ‘yeah, we’reall dead, but we have no clue what’s happening or where we’re going, good fuckin’ luck.’”

A whimper escapes me and I stuff my knuckle back into my mouth to cover it.

“Shut up, Curly.” James says, low and steady. “Hey, it’s not all bad. At least we’re all here together, hm? Look,” He points over behind Curly. “There’s Tressler, Pearson, Smith. We’re all fine.”

I look numbly around me. The road is much more crowded than it was when I went down. Clumps of boys stand around chattering to each other. Some of them wander absently up the road where, in the distance, the tanks keep on rolling. I recognise many faces among them. I saw most of them lose their lives.

“And this is… heaven?”

He laughs. “It better not be.”

“But… b-but didn’t you see a light? Curly?”

The kid sucks a breath in through his teeth.

“…uh, no. No light. I just kinda woke up with this pain in my head like someone just whopped me a haymaker. I figured ‘shit, they didn’t shoot me properly,’ and laid there for like half an hour waiting to die, but it never happened. Pain went away, and I got up and saw this farmer dude on the side of the road, right? So I ran over and tried to get his attention, but it didn’t work. I didn’t realise he couldn’t actually see me until I was screaming in his face. Then I realised what happened, looked around, couldn’t find nowhere to go, so I decided I’d just keep walking with you guys and hopefully one of us would figure out what to do.”

The thought of the kid, alone by the side of the road. Totally alone, unseen. It sobers me, and for the moment, I stop worrying about myself.

“That’s… horrible. I’m sorry, Curly, I… that must have been so scary.”

“S’over now.” He shrugs.

I glance around. “What about the bodies?”

They both go quiet, exchanging a haunted look.

“You don’t need to see that, chica.” James sniffs, running the back of his hand over his nose. “I did, Curly did. There’s nothing you can gain from it. So, everyone after Sanders, we carried a ways down the road before they woke up… makes it easier if you don’t see it. The squads’ll come pick ‘em up soon anyways. It’s not you anymore.”

“Did I look… dignified?”

“Yeah,” He says fondly. “You went down like a fighter. When you spit on that fucker? Hoo, boy…”

“Thank you.” I flush a little, despite it all. “But I still don’t get it. You all just decided unanimously to keep following the Walk?”

“Got any better suggestions?” Curly cocks his head with a dry grin.

“I guess not.” I heave a sigh and drag a hand down my face, feeling the panic rising up in my throat once again. “J-James?”

“Mm?”

“I… I put you here. I… y-you had a chance, man. A real chance. I mean, look at you, you’re fit, you’re… I took that chance from you, and I never even got to know you. Oh, God, I can’t- I-I gotta put it right somehow, I-”

“Oh, shut up.” Ewing gives me an affectionate shove. “You didn’t mean it, pulga, I’m not stupid. You put it right a hundred times over, the way you’ve been taking care of those boys. And anyway,” He scoffs a humourless laugh. “I was gonna go sometime. No way I’d have made it this far.”

“But, you could’ve-”

“No. I got a problem in my brain. I didn’t report it, but I get migraine headaches, seizures sometimes. I might’ve made it a day, but not any further.”

“But, still-”

“Listen. It wasn’t your fault. But, if it helps,” He leans closer, pressing into me with his eyes. “I forgive you.”

I can do nothing but nod and try to swallow my tears.

“Hey, c’mere. C’mere, pulga.” I fold gratefully into his arms, feeling all my guilt at last bleeding away.

“Thank you.” He just squeezes me in response. “What’s that mean?” I mutter against his shoulder. He has a dusty, hot light-bulb smell to him, like my brother used to have after work. “That word you keep calling me.”

“Pulga?” He chuckles. “Just a thing I call my sisters. Means you’re a little flea.”

“Hey,” I manage to sound annoyed, despite the waver in my voice. “Rude.”

“You done torturing ‘er?”

I turn at the sound of another voice. There he stands with his hands buried in his pockets, just the way I remember him. Ripped up blue baseball cap pulled down over his eyes, slightly too small stripey t-shirt making him look like a school kid. He grins when our eyes meet, and love comes crashing down on me like a ton of bricks.

“Hank!” I gasp, struggling to my feet. I stagger the couple of steps between us and throw myself against him, collecting his cap with a wayward hand. “Oh, Hank!”

“Hey, hey, hey!” He giggles nervously as I pepper his face with kisses, cringing and halfheartedly pushing me away by the shoulders. “I’m married!”

“Oh, Hank…” I give him a break and bury my face in his shoulder instead, squeezing in as close as I possibly can, fingers threading through his silky straight hair. “I missed you so much, man, I… I’m sorry, I tried to stay with you, but-”

“Hey.” He says firmly, his hand finding its own way to my hair. “You gotta quit that shit, okay, sweetie-pie? No more beatin’ yourself up. You’re a good kid.” He sighs. “I shouldn’t ‘a put that shit on you, man. Or Art, for that matter.”

“You were just scared.” I mutter.

“I put everyone in danger. You, Art, Ray, Collie, fuckin’ Barkovitch-”

“Gary!” I gasp, leaping back from his embrace and glancing around. “Oh, God, Gary! Where is he? Where-”

“Hey, hey, chill out.” Hank squeezes my shoulder. “He’s okay.”

“Sanders is with him.” James adds. “He’s not ready to get up just yet.”

“Rank?” I frown. “Why does…?”

“Same reason I wanted to see you.” He shrugs. “Closure.”

“Well, where is he? I wanna-”

“In a minute!” Hank whines, pulling me in for another cuddle. “I’m not done huggin’ you yet. With your crazy fuckin’ boyfriend around this is probably the last chance I’m gonna get.” Despite it all, he makes me laugh and I relax back into the hug. “I’m sorry for icin’ you out for the whole fuckin’ Walk.” He sighs softly. “I guess I just… didn’t get you back then.”

“What? Yesterday?”

“Yeah.” He snickers. “Long fuckin’ time ago when you’re on a Long Walk. Y’know that cereal shit was pretty fuckin’ good.”

“Oh, you ate it?”

“Fuck you think I was gonna do, shove it up my ass?”

“Throw it away, probably.”

“Nah. I’m petty, but I’m not fuckin’ stupid. Food’s food. Kept me goin’ for a while too.”

“You did good, lasting as long as you did.”

“You too, kid.” He pulls back and takes a good look at me. “Now fuck off to Barkovitch. I can feel you getting all antsy.”

“Okay, okay.” I give him one last kiss on the cheek. “Love you, Hank.”

“Love you too.” He pushes my shoulder lightly. “Go on. He’s down there where everyone’s standing.”

A few yards up the road, a crowd as formed. Boys stand around in a semi-circle, arms crossed, murmuring amongst themselves. There’s a tension in the air as I get closer and push my way in between a kid wearing knee-high rubber rain-boots and a short guy in a denim vest. Gary lays curled in the fetal position on the blacktop behind them, knees pulled to his chest, arms drawn up over his face. His bandanna has come loose, setting free his mop of shaggy blonde tresses. His back, rising and falling with each shaky breath, is the only indication that he is alive – if you can call it that. A couple of feet away, Rank Sanders sits criss-cross-apple-sauce with his hands folded politely in his lap. He looks up as I come barging in, an unreadable expression on his soft face. He doesn’t smile, or frown, or make any motion to indicate how he feels. He just stares with a chilling stillness.

“Hey, Birdie.” A hand scrunches my shoulder, breaking me free from the spell I’m under. “You’re up!”

“Rich?” I gasp.

He has his notebook under one arm, pen behind his ear. He smiles warmly at me and tucks me into a quick side-hug.

“In the flesh.” He holds out his hand and flexes it, laughing preemptively at his own joke. “Well, I don’t know if this could be considered flesh…”

“Oh, Rich…” I sigh. “You didn’t go home.”

“Not yet.” He shrugs, smiling. “Still writing my book, though.”

“What for? Can’t sell it now, can you?”

“Whatever,” He scoffs. “I’ve given up on money. I’m writing it for me.”

“Hmm.” I struggle to engage with him, my soul continually drawing towards the bundle of misery on the road. “What’s wrong with him?”

“Taking his sweet time,” Harkness says sagely. “Some of us can’t get up right away, ‘specially the ones who have an extra rough time on the way out. Y’know, I was a real pain in the ass when I went. Wouldn’t get up for an hour. Curly was the only one who stayed back with me. We had to run like three miles to catch up.”

“Okay, primadonna.” I tease. He tugs the cord of my jacket in retaliation. “I’m gonna…” I take in a deep, steadying breath. “I’m gonna go see if I can get him up, okay?”

“Be my guest.” He steps aside with a sweeping gesture.

I pad my way over slowly, trying hard to avoid Rank’s gaze, but he’s right there. Staring. I swallow roughly as I meet his eyes and try to manage a polite nod. For a second, he doesn’t react. It feels calculated. But then, he inclines his chin just slightly, and his expression softens. I let go of the breath burning in my chest and settle down beside Gary. He looks so small, all crumpled up on the hard ground.

“Barky?” He doesn’t react at all, so I dip my trembling fingers into his golden locks. He flinches as my nails reach his scalp, curling tighter into himself. “It’s only me.” I rub gentle circles into his hair, feeling him relax gradually into my touch. Oh, how sweet to be with him without a gun to my head. “Time to get up, honeybee.” His fingers flex where they cover his face. “I know it hurts right now, and I know you’re scared. I’m scared too, y’know? But it gets easier. It’ll be better if we face it together. Okay?”

Shakily, he shifts his fingers, allowing just enough space to see through, and peeks open his eye. His pupil contracts in the light and his hand shoots out to gather a handful of my skirt. Now exposed to the sunlight, his face is so different to the haggard mask he wore before he died. Gone are the deep plum half-moons beneath his eyes, and the five o’clock shadow. He is fresh faced, flushed and painfully beautiful. Just the way he was before this terrible thing started. As he cleaves to my skirt, I notice that it is no longer stained with filth and blood. It’s not even dusty. Even my palms and knees are no longer road-burned from where I slipped, running to Hank. It’s as if everything has been washed away, yet the memory of every bullet is still painfully clear in my mind. Gary looks up at me, eyes glazed with tears. His lips part – soft now, no longer chapped and bitten to bleeding. He whispers a single word like a drowsy child waking from a dream.

“Heaven?”

“No,” I trail a finger down his forehead to the tip of his slightly too wide, slightly upturned nose. “Not yet. Looks like we gotta stay on the road for now, sweetums. At least until the end of the Walk.”

He whines and closes his eyes again.

“Hey,” I shake his shoulder. “We gotta get up. Gotta catch up with the others.”

“I can’t…” He groans.

“You can.” I insist. “You just gotta let me help you.”

I lean down to kiss his forehead, but he shifts lazily to meet his lips with mine. The kiss is sweet, gentle, and I use it to draw him up like a magnet. He buries his face in my shoulder as he sits up. I rock him from side to side, as much to sooth myself as it is for him. I meet Rank’s eyes over his shoulder. He’s looking at us like jugglers in the town square. We are peculiar to him, and it makes me so shy I have to hide myself in Gary’s hair. I feel around on his neck, searching for a wound I know cannot be there. Of course, there’s nothing but smooth, healthy skin, but he still shivers as my fingers ghost over his throat.

“Why’d you do it like that, my darling?” My voice wavers. “We could’ve just… just laid down some place nice. Like you said.”

“I’m sorry,” He whimpers. His breath is wet as he gasps, pawing at my back. “I-I-I didn’t wanna do it, man. I just… I-I couldn’t stop it, man, he just wouldn’t shut up! A-and I just… I wanted those fuckers to know how it felt. Y’know, to- to be the reason somebody got his ticket. I-I was goin’ crazy, man, an’ I fucked up. I fucked up real bad, y’know, man? I thought you was done with me. Done for good… I fuckin’… I just wanted you to remember me. To… to keep me with you forever, when… when you won. Fuck, man, you was supposed to win! You coulda done it too, but… baby, you’re too good for that world. You threw all that shit away for a poor fucker like me, oh, God! God, damn it…”

“There’s nothing for me there. Surely you must see that by now?” I feel his tears rolling warm down my neck. “How could I have lived with myself? Lived without you, or Hank, or Billy or the rest of them? Didn’t I tell you? I’m right where I wanna be.”

“I know.” He doesn’t sound convinced. “I’m so sorry. I’m so fuckin’ sorry I did that to you.”

“I’m sorry too.” I stroke his hair, like the hackles of a long-furred terrier. “I was a real bitch to you those last few hours. If I’d just… just kept it together a little longer-”

“No.” He pulls away suddenly, grasping my arms, face streaked in saltwater. “No. You’re done blaming yourself, you hear me? You and me, we both done things we wish we could take back, but… but, what’s been done’s been done, y’know?”

“I know.” I nod. “We’re here now, ain’t we?”

“We’re here.”

He frowns, nodding earnestly. My gaze drifts behind him again. Rank is still sitting there, politely waiting his turn. He’s only small, soft-eyed and kindly in the face, but a chill runs straight to the core of my bones at the very sight of him. I’m afraid that he’s going to hurt Gary, if not in the body, then at least in the mind. And if he does, what right to I have to try to stop him? As much as I might adore Gary, and might tell myself that the goodness in him outweighs the terrible thing that he did, it cannot change the fact that he consequences are lurking right there behind him. Better to get this out of the way quickly, I suppose.

“Think you could stand up for me?”

He nods solemnly and sniffs, wiping his tears on the back of his hand. He’s a little unsteady as I help him to his feet, blinking heavily and shaking his head like a bull. His eyes sweep over the gathering of boys around us. Many of them simply stare, neither hostile, nor welcoming. Just waiting for him to make a move.

“They’re… they’re all here.”

“Yes.” I cup his cheeks, forcing his panicked gaze to meet mine. “He wants to see you, Gary.”

His eyes widen as he spins wildly on his heel. When he sees Rank, now standing with his fists balled at his sides, he flings backwards as if struck by an invisible force. He staggers a few paces back, nearly tripping on his own feet before I catch him and hold him still.

“I’m right behind you, okay?” I reassure him. “He only wants to talk.”

Reluctantly, he takes a few wobbly steps forward, leaving the sanctuary of my arms. He glances back at me with huge, frightened eyes. I muster an encouraging smile, though it feels like I’m sending him to the gallows. He turns again, and shuffles a little closer. With the crowd around us and the distance between them, the scene looks like something from a Spaghetti Western.

“U-um,” He utters, throwing his voice onto the ground between them like a bone to a snarling dog. “Hey… Rank.”

Sanders ignores the offering, fists twitching at his sides. He looks so slight and unassuming, its almost comical to see him cast such a long shadow. Gary moves a little closer, hands out before him as if to defend himself.

“I, uh… I-I’m…” He stammers. “Fuck, man. I’m s-” His hands find his hair, tugging at the yellow tufts by his neck. “Rank, I- Sanders, I’m- fuck! I’m so fuckin’ sorry, man.”

Rank remains still, pondering. I catch sight of a piece of pink paper sticking out of his breast pocket. Gary shuffles forward a little more, bending at the back and knees, shrinking toward the ground.

“Oh, man… I never meant it to happen, man. I-I never meant a word of what I said, you know that, don’t you? Oh, man, I- I’d’ve beat the shit outta any motherfucker if they done said any of that about my mama, or even my meemaw. And- and I know it couldn’t be true, anyhow? You wanna know why? ‘Cause your mom must be one helluva woman to raise a-a good kid like you. Y-you was always so polite, y’know? You never told me to fuck off, never… never was annoyed or-or embarrassed to be walkin’ nearby me. We- we coulda been friends, you and me, if I wasn’t such a sorry sack o’ shit.” He lets out a wordless whine and drags his hands down the back of his neck. “The worst thing I ever did. I was bored and feelin’ sorry for myself, and I just had to take it out on someone, man. Just baited you up with the most bottom-feeder fuckin’ insults I could think of. Couldn’t even give you the… the dignity to throw somethin’ out about you, somethin’ true. Somethin’ with weight to it. ‘Cause really, there weren’t a goddamn thing about you worth tearin’ down. You’re just… just a stand up fuckin’ guy, y’know? I… I wish I coulda taken your place, man. I wasn’t even meant to make it past mile five. You shoulda had my chance. I’m just so-” He crumples to his knees, arms curling around his middle. “I’m so fuckin’ sorry!”

I watch his body shake as he sobs, swallowing down the urge to go to him. Rank stares him down, the contempt on his face melting into pity. The fists at his sides relax and he closes the distance between them in a few clipped steps.

“Barkovitch,” He says softly. “The most insulting thing you can do right now is treat me like I’m some kind of… saint, or something. You don’t even know me.”

Gary nods frantically. “I know, I’m s-”

“Don’t.” He crosses his arms, face creasing in uncomfortable sympathy. “I’ll tell you something about my mother: she’d give you the shirt off her back. Now, my father had a job, so we were lucky. But if us kids were going hungry, she’d have done exactly what you said, and I’d have been so proud of her for it. Y’know, I took a lot of shit in school. It’s tough, growing up soft in Tennessee. I used to get ‘fag,’ ‘fairy,’ ‘sissy-boy.’ I could take all that shit on the chin, but the minute you brought up my mother, I just… saw red.”

“I know. I’m sorry. Man, I-”

“I know what it’s like to grow up with a father you’d rather was gone… or dead. Mine was a drunk. A mean one. I like to think… I like to think the best of me is just a mirror of my mom, but there’s a little crack in it. A little piece of me is just like him. Ugly. When I woke up on the road and I realised what I’d done… realised I let that piece of me take over. I was so ashamed. I wanted them to just leave me there. But James and Curly got me up, and they kept me moving, and eventually I remembered what my mama always used to say: ‘forgive them, for they know not what they do.’ And I realised, that wasn’t my fault. And you know something else? It wasn’t yours either.”

“Mmm.” Gary grunts, squirming.

“Look at me, Barkovitch.” Rank demands. He lifts his face reluctantly. “It’s not your fault.”

“I, uh… I know. M-my girl, she tells me all the time.”

“No. You don’t believe her.” Rank steps in, as close as he can get, stooping to Gary’s eye level. “It’s not your fault.”

“Alright.” Gary shrinks back, trying to put some distance between him and the truth, but Rank won’t let him. “It’s not.”

“It’s not your fault.” Gary scrambles to his feet, panicked despite the gentleness of his tone. “It’s not your fault.”

“No!” He grabs Rank by the shoulders and pushes him back, snatching his hands away as if the touch was enough to burn his palms. “Don’t fuck with me, man!”

“You don’t scare me.” Rank grits his teeth. “It’s not your fault, Gary.”

“Just fuck off!”

“It’s not your fault!” At last, he shouts.

The words bounce back off the road. Then, he says it again, so softly that I can only see his lips move. Gary collapses forward, embracing the boy who’s haunted him – perhaps literally – for this entire walk. Great, heaving sobs wrack through his form, purging all the guilt that’s built up within him like pus in a wound. They stay like that for a while, Gary grasping at Rank’s shirt, Rank stroking his hair. Then, Sanders pulls away.

“Alright, Barkovitch.” He takes a deep breath, steeling himself. “None of us really know where we’re headed, but wherever we end up, I don’t want anything to do with you. Understood?”

“B-but, I thought-”

“No. I forgive you, but I don’t have to like you.”

“I, w-well… I’m not such a bad guy, if- if you just get to know me a little.”

“You’ve got a good thing with Tucker. You don’t need to come bothering me.” His eyes meet with mine across the way, lifting his chin as if to beckon me. “You keep with yours and I’ll keep with mine.”

I cross the distance, circling my arms around Gary’s waist. He turns, hurt written in his red, swollen eyes, and nuzzles into my shoulder.

“It’s alright, my darling.” I whisper. “You did good.”

He just keeps on weeping.

“Hi.” I say to Rank.

“Hello.” He smiles, and I notice he has a snaggle-tooth on his right side.

“It’s nice to finally meet you.”

“Likewise.” It’s as awkward as running into an acquaintance at the laundromat.

“It’s a mighty kind thing you did for him.” I reach out and grasp his arm briefly.

“I didn’t do it for him.” He scoffs, watching my hand work circles through Gary’s hair.

“Still, I appreciate it.”

“You really love him, don’t you?” I nod. He pulls the pink paper from his breast pocket and unfolds it partially to reveal a chatterbox. “Here, I’ll tell your future, if you want?”

“Sure.”

“B-I-R-D-I-E.” He spells out, moving the paper with each letter. Gary perks up a little, watching his motions closely. “Pick a number.”

In the inner portion, there are four numbers written in pen.

“Five.” I point it out.

“Okay, here.” He unfolds the paper and grins. “‘Land is always on the mind of a flying bird.’”

“You got that right.”

He nods. “I hope you find it soon. Both of you.”

“You too, Rank.” I scrunch my hand on his shoulder. “You too.”

He turns to look up the road where the last tank is slowly crawling into the distance, followed by a brigade of ghost boys. He offers me a lazy salute, and wanders off after them.

It’s just Gary and I left now, with Hank, James and a couple others straggling behind to keep an eye on us. I tug on his sleeve.

“Come on, we oughta catch up.”

“No.” Gary bends to lightly bump his forehead to mine. I cup his face, wiping away the tears that wet his cheeks. “Just give me a moment. Just… just let me see you.”

“Okay.”

We look at each other for a long moment, drinking in the sight of each other. There is so much to him that I never had the chance to see. Three moles on the left side of his face like a constellation, blue-green pebbles of sea agate in his eyes. Wherever we’re going, I’m sticking with him, and I am so excited to memorise every inch of his skin.

“Hey, Barky?” He tilts his head. “You wanna get a warning with me?”

“Boy…” At last, he smiles. It’s a shy, crinkly grin, beaming like the early morning sun. “I sure would.”

His lips on mine are finer than any feather bed I dreamt of in my sleepwalking haze. Drowsy and warm, I realise with a strange thrill that I arrived home in the very moment I laid eyes on him at the starting line. Rat-dog, pest, murderer. Whatever he may be, he is mine, and I wouldn’t trade a thing about him for all the money in the world.