math is fun

[pm] Deirdre Dolan, you are the most incredible woman on earth.

And yeah. It turns out Erin Nichols has traded up in terms of species but not in mindset (erinyes, but more like erin-no). The physical damage has been undone, I’ve mostly gotten her blood out of the grass, and she won’t be stopping by again anytime soon.

How about instead of making me ask about that lingerie, you show me, and then tell me all about these harrowing adventures you’ve been having. And if anyone is rude enough to come knocking while we’re having our reunion, we’ll take care of them together.

.

[pm] Did you not read the part where I lost thousands of dollars to guinea pigs?

Erin? Did she want to be an erinyes so she could work in the funeral business for eternity? I would if I was her. If I could spend the rest of my life looking at dead bodies that would be-- Oh no, we were going to run people over in the hearse together. I’m lost on what the issue is. You’ll have to explain that one to me after the reuniting. 

Sounds like a plan. And naturally, unless its that elderly woman. Don’t take care of her; that’s exactly what she wants. And at any rate she’s going to die in two days doing what she loves...or getting done how she loves. The semantics aren’t important here and frankly having to see it once was enough for me. 

[pm] Oh, great. I lost thousands of dollars in a poker game with possessed guinea pigs (they were cheating; don’t ask) and then they tried to eat the pixies I was with (don’t ask). I am coming home with several multicoloured plastic beads (don’t ask), a picture of someone’s grandmother (don’t ask) and new lingerie (do ask).

TIMING: before Deirdre’s return to White Crest LOCATION: New Zealand, at a retreat for the Fae’s Murderers Not-So-Anonymous retreat  CONTENT: Self-harm (emotional), Self-hatred and negative internal dialogue, mentions of domestic (child) abuse SUMMARY: At a retreat for her therapy group, Deirdre considers her place in the family of things. She is unable to reach a conclusion. 

Deirdre delighted in making people hate her. Once, when asked by her therapist, she explained it was a fact that she would be unloved in time and she lacked the patience to wait for it to unfold. She likened herself to an apple, rotten at the core; no one would know until they cut all the way down but it was better to save people the trouble. If she could show them bruised skin, they wouldn’t bother picking her up out of the bunch. Her therapist mentioned self-fulfilling prophecies and Deirdre laughed so hard the clock fell off the wall. 

The thing about self-fulfilling prophecies, she explained, was that they were her life blood. What came first: the cruel mother or the insolent daughter? Like the chicken and its egg, Deirdre figured the answer lay somewhere in the cyclical nature. If Deirdre’s mother was asked, she’d say the daughter. 

Her therapist said she was understanding the phrase wrong. Not that anyone asked her. 

[pm] I would prefer the coat back honestly, though you are free to discard the tissue since I no longer need it and if you also have no use for it.

[pm] But I’ve grown attached to the coat. 

TIMING: Current LOCATION: Sew La Ti Do PARTIES: @threadofheart & @deathduty (special mentions to Angela Lansbury) SUMMARY: Deirdre strips. Irene does her job and nothing more. They both do what they know best.

[pm] A time that you need or wish to discuss, or…?

I promise I will not tell anyone that you think Morgan is the hottest person around, if only because in my opinion, while she is beautiful, she is not entirely my type. Even if we did sleep toge I am glad you think she is. I think that is what matters most. Also you are neither vain nor selfish, Deirdre. But I digress. 

No, Deirdre - none of that is important. She has a wonderful sense of fashion, makes me incredibly happy, makes me feel safe, and cares for me. I think those are the important things.

[pm] I don’t want need to talk about it. I just...I’ll figure it out on my own. Thank you though, Evelyn. It was really beautiful there. Are you a nature person? Or is it all fancy marble and big houses for you?

Evelyn. My friend. You can’t make promises to a fae like that! I release you from that promise. Please, I don’t want to bind you into something that may hurt you later. Oh! I’m thankful she’s not your type, because she’s mine. And while you did sleep with her that one time, THAT WAS ONE TIME. You also slept with me.

[pm] Okay, okay, I get it. And, if I do have to figure this out the hard way, it is pretty great that I get to do it with my favorite person. 

Wait. You’ve written poetry about us. And I haven’t seen it? 🥺

Stars above, all I wanted was for her to like me. Funny how that happens. Although, we both know she would have liked alive-me a whole lot less. Like maybe even dangerously less. Tolerate for you, maybe, but that’s different. 

Thank you. For saying that.

I can’t tell if you’re just trying to see where I’d draw the line or if you really want and elephant someday. But, yeah. An elephant. But not in Ireland. The elephant should be somewhere near its real home.

You’re right. I don’t know how to care the way you do. I’m probably not even physically capable, without the whole magic bond thing. I try but it’s not the same and it doesn’t even make sense to me all the time. I’m sorry.

It’s fine. I mean, it was awful, but the other choice was to just let him eat her while she begged for me to do something. It was that stupid bird in the yard all over again. It was a choice, and it also wasn’t. I couldn’t let him destroy her any more than I could let that bird destroy you. And it was awful, but that’s what this place does. It makes you choose awful things. It makes you take death into your own hands whether you want it or not. 

You have reason to be defensive. Everyone like us has reason to be. I shouldn’t have….I don’t know. I should’ve known better But it’s not like I want anyone after you or her. I don’t want that. I want everything to be different. And I want her here, learning how to be kinder. 

It did count for something. What happened to her was cruel and unfair, but she spent her last moments loving you. And she knew she was loved in return. I have to believe that wherever her soul is, it counted for something. Not down here, but the energy, the weight of everything she felt for you, it had do go somewhere, right?

I’m sorry too.

And you don’t have to decide on the whole handfasting thing. I want I grew up thinking I’d never be able to marry anyone crazy enough to love me but now I’m not springing anything on you. I just thought, since we’re planning this far, it would be good to know what you want and what you don’t.

Also, uh, you knew another leanan-sidhe? 

[pm] I love you, Morgan. I have the utmost faith in you.

Oh no. Stop that. I know what face you’re making and no, you can’t see it. It’s not good. And it’s not so much about us as it is about you and how much I love you. 

...probably. We don’t know that. Maybe she would’ve come around. You are pretty “human” even like this, as fae would define it. So...maybe she would’ve.

I was half-joking. I wouldn’t want to take an animal like that and possess it. Some are creatures made to be more wild. But I’d like to see one some day, at sanctuary, perhaps. 

Don’t be sorry, my love. Unless you’d also like me to apologize for not knowing what its like to crave brains or decay or grow back a finger. We’re different people. I know you want to be good to me, just as I want to be good to you, and that is enough. I don’t wish that you understood completely, I don’t wish for you to be anything you aren’t. I love you, Morgan Beck.

This place? You mean White Crest? 

I’m still sorry. I understood what you were trying to say but I just...I don’t know. I’m sorry. I don’t think in the same shades of grey that you do. A hunter to me will always be exactly the sort of person that would kill me and people like me. 

No, she spent her last moments in pain. I know. I saw them. She was begging, just before she died. Have you ever known Lydia to beg? They broke her. Her thoughts were not on how loved she was by me. She died as ash in an unmarked alley. The weight of everything she felt is mine now. That’s where it went.

I’m sorry, Morgan. I know what you mean and I know what you’re trying to do but there is no comfort to be had in Lydia’s death. She saved my life, and she’ll always be my hero, but she did not die that way. But I’ll say it over and over again until my voice gives: she saved my life. She saved my life. A hero to one. 

Morgan, my love, if what you’re trying to ask me is if I’d like to marry you one day, then the answer is yes. Yes, yes, and a thousand times yes. I would. We could settle on seating arrangements and flowers. And then I can file our taxes jointly. I’m very excited about that last part. Is this something you want too?

That’s very nice of you.

[pm] I can try to do all of that. I mean, I want to. Do all of that, but I can’t promise I will all the time. Not to her or you or even myself. But I want to try. Trying is worth it for her.

Is this the therapist you see with Morgan? She told me about them a little. Don’t be sorry, it is what it is.

I feel like I do have to be. I feel like the house is going to swallow me and if I stop, then it wins. I don’t actually know if that’s true or not. It feels like it could be. Like letting go might just be…better. Or easier. I don’t know.

I’ll take your word for it. Mostly because I know you can’t lie.

My dad used to say it’s not being an alcoholic unless it infringes on daily life. He’s probably not a good standard to use, but it makes me feel better to pretend he’s right. I just don’t know how it could be a problem when it makes me feel better. When I can actually sleep when I do it. When I can feel just a little less of all of everything. Even for just a few minutes, it feels worth it. I don’t feel like I need it, but it helps. It helps more than anything and it’s better than the alternatives. I will. I’ll tell you. 

Yeah, maybe.

.

Don’t use “nice” to refer to me. Even as I joke. I despise it. Don’t thank me and don’t call me nice.

[pm] No one’s asking for any promises...especially not for a fae. But you’ve got the right idea there, Bex. Trying is worth it. Keep trying.

Yes. The same, terrible woman. I despise her too. I will be seeing her next week but I loathe her.

I understand. But it only feels that way. Logically, it’s not, okay? 

...who told you I can’t lie? Because that’s a lie. Look: I am ugly. See? 

You’re right, your father is a bad standard. Oh, Bex, plenty of things that feel good can be a problem. But I do trust you’re smart. You’ll let me know. 

[pm] I…don’t know. It just feels like…we’re too different, too scattered. How can we build anything if we don’t know how to find each other? Or if no one’s ever told us it’s okay to stay together. If we’ve been so lonely, the idea seems impossible? And I wouldn’t even know what having some culture or ethos to grasp on would look like. Do we have hunts to make sure we’re self-sufficient in case of an emergency and de-stigmatize getting gore crazy? Celebrate our deathdays? 

I just want us to belong to each other. Somehow. But I don’t really know how that works. I’ve never really had that so much. Feeling a part of something, being special, just for existing next to someone like me.

Well, it sounds pretty epic when you put it like that. Like maybe there should be poems about us sometime.

She was? I know she…needed some time to trust me, but at least some of that was because of how much she loved you. But you’re sure she wasn’t secretly kinder to not-fae supernaturals? And, okay, so it’s not required, but maybe it might be easier for a few years if we could just not deal with massive inter-species politics and be someplace we’re okay and everyone around us actually happens to think we’re okay too. 

I still miss her, you know. Is it okay if I say I miss Do you remember the terrarium I made her Do you want to move the amethysts she

I know some things are a little better, but I wouldn’t call them fixed and I wouldn’t say I’ve done a lot. But I do love you a lot. So much. And all the ways you change and all the ways they stay the same. And I don’t know what you are  in this metaphor. Maybe you’re a part of everything.

I’ve always been a little squeamish, but they can’t hurt me, so as long as they aren’t venomous to you, why not?

Deirdre, I’ve all but promised you that I would never hurt a fae. I still mean that. No matter what else I say, you can take it as a given that I would never knowingly do something to hurt your people. I know what they mean to you.

And I have killed a starving zombie. While you were gone Bex and I found one in the thrift store. He was so far gone he was barely healing at all. He was going to eat her to the bone. So I killed him. And I hated it. And I got his name and sent his aunt in castle rock flowers and money for the foundation she’s setting up in his name, but I killed him because I wasn’t strong enough to keep him away from that girl any other way.

And when I say real problems, I mean massive town wide and apocalypse bullshit. Maybe if it wasn’t so taboo to recognize that we’re people, he could’ve had some undead go in there with him. Or a shifter. Anyone else who might have a leg up over his human body. Maybe his fate would’ve been different.

I didn’t mean it like that, Deirdre. I’m sorry.

I miss her too, you know. And the chances, the time she didn’t get to have. And how much we argued. The part where she was our friend.

Don’t be, I’m fine. I’m coping.

[pm] Yeah. Pretty much. You’re just throwing ideas out there but they sound really good, Morgan.  

You know what’s really funny, Morgan? I have no idea how it works either. It’s strange. It’s almost like we might have to figure it out together. What a tragedy, discovering the world with you, my favorite person. Sooooo dreadful. 

Oh don’t worry, I’ve already written some.

She wanted you to like her. All she wanted was just that. Even if you were human at the time, I think she would’ve liked you a little less but all the same. You already know what I think about her. I love her. I miss her. I suppose...well, I know it would’ve been impossible, but I wish she could’ve seen what the fae had done for her. I know what most people think, I know what the public thought, but if she just could’ve seen it...

[user is idle]

I would. I would say you’ve done a lot. For so many people.

And while we’re at it, an elephant?

You wouldn’t, but people you care about would. And have. And as much as you love me, you will never care about this like I do. You can’t. Just as I’d never know the plight of a zombie. I’m thankful you respect fae enough not to step on a gnome. They get stepped on a lot.

You...what? Morgan, I’m so sorry. 

No, I’m sorry. I got a little defensive. I’m used to...people thinking less of certain types of fae. And the same thought that starts deciding what is worthy of life and what isn’t is the thought that gets people I care about killed. Or almost killed. For as good as a hunter might be, they’re still a hunter. And I’m not so hypocritical to think that doesn’t apply to me either. I’m sorry.

I wanted her to be my friend for the rest of my life. I wanted to be in her life. I wanted her to be in mine. I’ve never had a friend like her before, and now I never will. The only other leanan-sidhe I knew like this left me. The only banshee I’m not related to doesn’t know what I did to her father. I make her kill animals. I drown her. I just want my friend back, I just wanted to know she could have peace somewhere. None of it is possible. She was our friend, and no one cares. 

She did not die a hero. Villains, I suppose, get ash. But I loved her, she loved me. I wish it counted for something.

[user is idle]

I’m sorry. 

It can be true enough for now.

[pm] I want to love her well. That’s all.

I…guess I like my hair. I’ve always had really nice hair. I like that…whatever Mina sees in me makes her smile. 

Mina is the only good thing about me. I don’t know why she loves me, but she does. If that’s the only something else I get then…maybe it’s enough. I don’t know. I don’t know what else I do. It feels like all I do is hurt people and get hurt in return.

No, I don’t know. Maybe. I’m just so tired. I’ve tried so hard to find something to get out and there’s nothing and maybe it’s better if I just stay. I’m losing hope. I haven’t told Morgan or Mina that yet but it’s 

I care about you, too. I wish I could just believe you.

Did you– have a problem with it? I don’t know if it’s something more. I haven’t been out enough to know. If I’m just drinking in my house, my room, my kitchen, then it’s fine. I’m not bothering anyone or ruining things or missing work or school. I don’t really have anything else, nothing to supplement it with. I used to think controlling my own pain made it better. But I was hurt enough by others, I didn’t need to do that to myself, too. It doesn’t have a name. I just…do it sometimes. Sometimes a bottle, sometimes only half. It just depends. It doesn’t feel like a problem.

.

Fine. I’ll accept that.

[pm] That desire is all you need. You talk to her about how to love her best, and you move on from there. She’s your partner, okay? You’re in this together. When you’re worried about how to love her, she’s the one you ask. When you think she’s going to slip, you tell her. Don’t let it stew in your head. 

Hey. Stop right there. Mina is not the only good thing about you, my therapist would disagree. You are your own good person outside of her. Or so she says, I haven’t figured that one out either. I know, Bex. I’m sorry. 

It’s not better if you stay and you know that, Bex. It’s hard and tiring, I understand, and you don’t need to be trying and fighting all the time, but it is not better. You know this already; if you won’t lie about me being the most attractive woman you know then don’t lie about thinking it’s better. Easier, simpler...but never better. 

Ha. Don’t worry about it. I tell Morgan that exact thing at least ten times a day. It’s true, regardless of if you believe it.

Who knows? I never asked myself if it was a problem. It went away enough on its own, and like you, it was only ever by myself, really. I never did anything outrageous. I suppose that’s the great deception of it, it’s not all drunk driving and public embarrassment. Sometimes it’s just cold tile and really nice sleep. And okay. If it starts to feel like one, will you tell me? We can work on a way to cut back, and maybe all of this really is just temporary.

[pm] Maybe? A little? I just hate not knowing if I’m unfairly lucky or just stupid hopelessly naive about my new existence. And I don’t know how much we could have something like what fae have. What we are…it happens to us. Griffin doesn’t even know who made him, it was just some rando. The guy didn’t stay or leave a note or anything. And you know what happened to Remmy. It’s traumatic. And we all have such different baggage around it, different experiences, and we can’t sense each other. And obviously I don’t have an amazing sample size, but every zombie I’ve met, including myself, is sliding somewhere along the self-hatred spectrum. I don’t know if we’d be able to make something good or if we’d just bring each other down. But I want something better, yeah. We’re supposed to be here til the world ends. Eventually, immortals will be all each other has. Don’t we need something good to make that okay?

I know what we have is special. I just…don’t want to feel like an idiot later on for believing that it’s special enough to make me different. I want it to be true. I want to be happy with you.

Do you think…there would ever be any fae who would accept me like that? Would that be something you want someday? To be around your people where watching centuries go by is just another part of following the wheel of the world?

Oh. I guess…you’re right. About the garden. I hate seeing people hurt. Especially if it’s because they’ve been taught to hate themselves. And I just think…wouldn’t it be better for everyone if they were okay? They wouldn’t hurt, and they wouldn’t hurt other people, and that’s worth it, right? And maybe that’s…a good use of my energy. I can maybe actually get something right and fix something for a little while. Are you sure it’s okay? Should my metaphorical garden be smaller? Is my doing this going to break something really badly someday?

You know, I’ve never had a dog before. So that means we definitely have to at least a few times. Especially all of those.

Is that something that’s important to you? Ceremonies of love, handfasting, fae marriage-but-only-kinda?

Hey, if everything changes, then maybe we’ll change a little too, and there will always be a couple of discoveries to uncover. Personally, I do think it would be a real novelty if you became predictable for a few years. So either way, I don’t think we’re in danger of boredom.

Everything hunters say or pretend they are. The whole, ‘doing the hard work for the good of humanity’ song. Adam actually was all of those things. Adam even cared about supernaturals. He knew I was something as soon as he came into my class. He saw me do horrible things, and he didn’t do that thin line, no screw-ups allowed conditional bullshit. He opened up to me when he thought he might lose his powers. He asked me for help with stuff. He seemed to actually really want to know what it was like to be what I am and not in the exploit-y way.  When you were gone and I was having a hard time he brought me old case files to read. His idea of humanity didn’t leave people like me behind. And it had nothing to do with being good! Not me or anyone else. He knew how unfair this world is. He knew that humans are cruel and hateful just as often as anyone else. It was just because they were people and trying anyway was the right thing to do. You know, the other hunters were brave enough to be more like him, maybe they wouldn’t have to go into fights alone! Maybe the sapients that still give a shit wouldn’t be too scared or angry to help them handle the real problems! And maybe less people would die in the first place and maybe I wouldn’t be so traumatized!

I don’t know what counts as that either. But he was really loved, yeah.

.

[pm] Well, as someone who had to watch her best friend die to become what I am, it’s not so bad, my love. You all have a shared trauma, in one sense. No one’s experience of anything is completely the same, because no two people are; no two lives are. Why don’t you think you could make something good? I happen to think you have a very noble desire.

You don’t think a love spanning half a millennium could be something special? Oh, my love, I think you’re special enough by yourself, to make it different. To make it good.

Yes. Unequivocally. Perhaps simply because I am fae, and I love you. But Lydia cared for you, and she...fates, I miss her so much. I miss her everyday was about as fae as they come. In some of the best ways, and some of the worst too. But she cared. Others will too. And no. I want to be around you. The fae are not required, though I would like them.

It would be better if everyone was okay, of course it would. But Morgan, I wish you’d understand that you’ve made a lot right already. You do, just by virtue of being you. But if you’re asking me if you need to love less, no. Absolutely not. Maybe the kind of love shifts over the years, maybe it isn’t like a garden anymore, but right now...if this is what feels right to you, I can not tell you that it’s wrong. Maybe it’ll break something, but what it’ll break certainly isn’t us. I’d like to think I’ve evolved beyond being a flower, perhaps I’m the greenhouse. 

Where do you draw the line on animals? Because a snake would be nice too.

I was going to argue that everything hunters were supposed to be was nonexistent, because being a hunter is useless, but good points. He was a good kid. I-- “The sapients”.... what do you mean? Where do you draw the line there? So pixies...sapient. But leprechauns? Brownies? Cù-sìth? Kelpie? Are those all...meant to be killed? The kind of thing you’d help a hunter like Adam get rid of? The hungry zombie? The unfortunate spawn? All designed for death? Are they a “real problem”? Adam was a good kid, I said so and I admit so readily, but he was still a hunter. He was still one of many to decide who lived, who died. And you knew him better than me, and he was kind to you, and for that I am grateful, but I will not forget all those he has killed. He was a man doing what he was born for, he died a hero, he was in a broad term “everything a hunter should be” but you’re thanking a butcher for not raising his knife. I don’t agree. If the other hunters were brave enough to be like him, Lydia would be dead ten times over. I won’t accept it. 

I am sorry for your trauma, my love. 

He was loved. That’s more than some people get. Sometimes its just ashes in an alley.