Dear Blank It’s Me

Hello, you’ll probably never see this and that’s fine because it’s meant for me to deal with all the damage you did in the very small period of time in my life that you decided to be around. It’s for the best that you aren’t here since you couldn’t be a decent fucking human being but it still hurts nonetheless to wonder every once in a while why I wasn’t good enough for you to treat me properly as a dad should but I have to realize that I was always worthy, you were just shitty.

I love how the few times you have shown up to talk to me once again because of your selfish need to do so to make yourself feel better about yourself even though it does nothing good for me and it would be better if you just fucked off after everything (which is why I finally blocked you on social media since you couldn’t get over yourself) you have brought up holding me at the hospital. You know, when I was fucking born. Your good memory of your 26 year old daughter is holding her and her looking up at you when she was born. How sad is that? How sad is it that that’s all you have?

Hey ex,

It’s me. A bit triggered tonight. My lovely boyfriend of almost four years works in a job where he helps customers with things. The other day you showed up there and no one else was available to help so my boyfriend did and since you were once friends he knows a lot of what happened and has his own history. He pretended he didn’t know you at all. You dealt with it because you didn’t really have a choice. I was doing pretty good. I hadn’t thought about you or what you did to me in a bit but now here we are with a night I’m alone with my thoughts since my boyfriend is with a friend and it’s hitting me so I’m listening to music. A specific song that hits me so hard with that relationship. You are a narcissistic mentally and emotionally abusive manipulative asshole and I just need to get it out so I can try to get over it.

*I wanna start this out and say

I gotta get it off my chest

Got no anger, got no malice

Just a little bit of regret*

I regret that I didn’t leave you sooner than I did but you were very good at doing your damage. You broke me. You made me feel like no one else would ever love me but funny thing is you never loved me.

*Know nobody else will tell you

So there's some things I gotta say

Gonna jot it down and then get it out

And then I'll be on my way

No, you're not half the man you think that you are

And you can't fill the hole inside of you with money, drugs and cars*

Accurate. The entire relationship your mother would say how good for you I was but how I had to change and take it easy and not care so much about what you do and just go with it. Your sister is just as brainwashed by you. When I tried having a conversation with her about wanting my stuff back and you having said you burned it she said that you didn’t and I laughed about how you were keeping it captive when it had no benefit to you and she got really mad at me for calling her brother a liar even though she outed you. Good luck to both of them. It sucks to not be able to get away from a manipulative force and I know it’s a lot harder when that person is family. I just recently kicked my dad out of my life for my mental health and safety so I get it.

*I'm so glad I never ever had a baby with you

'Cause you can't love nothin' unless there's somethin' in it for you*

I’ve never thought this lyric would hit me so hard. However, a bit after we split I heard you got your fuck buddy pregnant. When she decided she was going to keep the baby you bailed fast. It didn’t surprise me in the slightest. When we were together I was terrified that if I got pregnant I’d be on my own. We originally used condoms (and I was on birth control) but the one time we did things without my knowing that you didn’t have a condom on. I got angry and wanted to be done but you wouldn’t let me get up. We didn’t have sex with condoms after that due to your manipulation. Thankfully I didn’t end up in her place. I don’t know how I dodged that bullet. I’m very thankful that I never became pregnant due to your mistreatment of my feelings during sex and when you raped me.

*Oh, I feel so sorry

I feel so sad

I tried to help you

It just made you mad*

Any time you were upset about something I tried to be there for you. You were always mad about it and distanced yourself. I didn’t get it. I tried to give support through advice and you got pissed. So instead I decided to try to give support through affection and listening on the few times you would tell me what was up and even that went badly. Most of the time I had to pull what was wrong out of you like I was pulling teeth. I would’ve let you keep it to yourself but when things weren’t great for you it was taken out on me and I wanted to get that to end.

*And I had no warnin'

About who you are*

Accurate. I wish I had warning. I knew two of your exes. I should’ve asked. It should’ve been a red flag when your one ex saw us and pretended to not know you at all. I probably wouldn’t have listened to them anyway. You probably would’ve talked me out of it. I had the same predicament of wanting to tell your next girlfriend to watch out but didn’t want her to think I was a crazy jealous ex spouting bullshit. She thankfully got out sooner than me I believe. I don’t know what happened in your relationship but I hope she’s okay. She was pretty cool in high school and didn’t deserve your shit. No one does.

*I'm just glad I made it out without breakin' down

And then ran so fuckin' far

That you would never ever touch me again*

I’m afraid I’m not far enough away with just not being with you. It took almost four years but your path crossed with my current boyfriend and that’s just too close to home for me. Honestly I thought you’d be dead by now but apparently not. I dated my dad I’m pretty sure and god I’m so fucking happy I got out. You’re horrible. I’m still not ready to run into you though especially if I’m working. My one coworker once said a little over a year ago I believe that you had been in the store when I was elsewhere in the building. I don’t know if it’s true but it shook me. To have to pretend I’m cool with my abuser is just too much. I’m okay with pretending I’m okay with rude ass strangers because it’s a one time thing. You and I have a horrible history that involves so much damage for me. That’d be too much.

*Won't see your alligator tears

'Cause, no, I've had enough of them*

Definitely have. The only time you displayed emotion would be when I’d go to leave you. You’d play the game well about how you were so sorry and you’d do better and you needed me and loved me. You’re so sorry. So so so so sorry. It’ll never happen again. Lies. Over and over and over. And I believed it like a fucking idiot. I fell for your plot. But thankfully I finally got out of the cycle. Thank god I got out alive.

*Let me start this off by sayin'

I really meant well from the start

Take a broken man right in my hands

And then put back all his parts*

Your mom would talk about how you were down on your luck and how you just needed time to get yourself together and blah blah blah. I wanted to help you. It’s how I am. I’m there for my friends. I’m there for my family. I have a few family members that have mental illnesses. I’ve always done my best to try to help them at their lows. Yours though. Those are a whole other battlefield and I was the only one taking damage.