Dear ādadā,
Hello, youāll probably never see this and thatās fine because itās meant for me to deal with all the damage you did in the very small period of time in my life that you decided to be around. Itās for the best that you arenāt here since you couldnāt be a decent fucking human being but it still hurts nonetheless to wonder every once in a while why I wasnāt good enough for you to treat me properly as a dad should but I have to realize that I was always worthy, you were just shitty.
I love how the few times you have shown up to talk to me once again because of your selfish need to do so to make yourself feel better about yourself even though it does nothing good for me and it would be better if you just fucked off after everything (which is why I finally blocked you on social media since you couldnāt get over yourself) you have brought up holding me at the hospital. You know, when I was fucking born. Your good memory of your 26 year old daughter is holding her and her looking up at you when she was born. How sad is that? How sad is it that thatās all you have?
I get itās partially the drugs and the alcohol that you arenāt strong enough to get out of your life. I get that due to the at least one failed rehab trip. I get that due to the cigarette burns on furniture, rugs, and clothing as you fell asleep smoking either due to fatigue or the drinking or the drugs or a combination. I know that now that Iām an adult. It wasnāt that I wasnāt worthy of being loved it was because you werenāt capable of loving me. Youāre a narcissist that thinks heās perfect despite his life being in shambles. Despite all the harm heās caused his own fucking children. But hey, I made it out only a little damaged. Iām the oldest child of the first marriage. I got to be forgotten and survive due to my mother and her perseverance while you went and ruined another woman and had two more kids with her. I barely get to speak with my brothers. The one my mom and you share just doesnāt talk. He never really has. He talks even less now that heās in a shitty ass relationship that he canāt see is shitty. I miss the fuck out of him. (If youāre reading this: people who kick you donāt love you. I donāt care if she hasnāt done it since. Itās not acceptable to kick people especially when the reason is that you wouldnāt cuddle her mother. Thatās fucked up.) The other two you moved three hours away because you got evicted again and went into rehab (and have since done drugs). I havenāt seen them since besides funerals. I miss them. I barely talk to them because we didnāt really get to form much of a bond. You tried to use them against me when I decided to block you on social media for my own mental health. It failed thankfully but damn will you ever grow up and actually make a good decision that isnāt self centered and an attempt to hurt others for your own happiness? Fuck you. Seriously. I could go on and on with this rambling but I think this is a good stop for now. Iāll probably write you again soon about how I hate some bullshit thing you did to me soon. Maybe itāll be a song or two in the future. Maybe itāll be a book. Either way I hope I get it all out before the day you die and you see it. You got really upset when you found out Iām not accepting your texts and calls anymore. Youād probably be happy to hear Iām talking about you despite the content although youāll lie again about how half of it didnāt happen like when I turned 18 and tried to form a relationship by writing you a six page letter about everything youāve done and how I needed to talk about it and make amends or I couldnāt have a relationship with you. Do you remember that? You replied back that half of it didnāt happen, you didnāt remember it, or somehow blamed me, the child, for your not being around and breaking your promises. Yep. But youāre so shocked that 8 years later I finally had enough of your shit, put down my foot, and kicked you out of my life permanently. You couldāve seen this coming if anyone but yourself ever mattered. Oh well. Here we are.
