no more vertebrae, only scrunch

Anastasia Trusova — “Through The Walls”, 2020

(Disclaimer, because I feel like not mentioning this off the bat isn’t wise. There are some things that cannot be forgiven, the most notable of which being sexual assault, grooming, and sexual abuse of children. Please do not take this as any sort of attempt at excusing this behavior or protecting predators whatsoever. Thank you!)

It's been quite a bit since I've done one of these!

While the themes of "pocketlock" dove into the reasons we humans create, my next project features more of an external perspective as to the ways we expect others to create and act like it too.

I've made it explicit that I believe creation is the way that humans express the desire to live. Well, what happens when your outlets for sharing what you've made get taken away outside of your control? What happens if you lose your grip on the thing that keeps you here? Online, it's imperative that you keep your public appearance clean and free of perceived flaw. It may seem simple to do so, as those who have been outed as bad have all deserved it, right? And you think to yourself how it could never happen to you as long as you're diligent enough, as long as you don't make mistakes in front of others, as long as you can prove that you're good, that you're good at heart.

Sometimes, all it takes is someone finding you annoying. Sometimes, word of mouth is enough. Non-communication after non-communication about issues and behaviors you haven't noticed in yourself because they haven't been brought to light, or rather, they have been, just not to your face. It bubbles, it boils, and eventually, you find yourself faced with the reality that everybody knows something about you that you don't, and they're about to project every misstep you've ever made to the people with the power to take your livelihood away.

Defined moral boundaries are the backbone of distinct social groups online. This often proves to bring folks closer together, but the flaw with this is that the paradigm is repeated so often (mostly by neurodivergent young adults and teenagers) that deviations are not treated with nuance. Especially within spaces such as the vocal synth scene wherein creators and fans are often closer to each other than other groups such as fans of TV or A-list celebrities, there is only one core gathering.

Of course, there's not a way to "fix" a culture that stems from the greater online conscience of in and out groups, but in no way do I think that young adults should be basically deciding the fate of other young adults based on the common consensus of the most influential other young adults. (Sincerely, a young adult). I truly don't believe a young person is (in most cases) the worst person in the room. I also don't think that a young person is the best person in the room either. A lot of us try to be, though. I think it's an unreasonable expectation to have of each other, that when we fuck up, we have got to pack up and go no matter what.

This is the core of what this song is about. It's very cathartic releasing something about the morality crisis close to a year after me and my team were called out. It’s hard to put into words how much an attempt at my career and my personhood fresh after turning eighteen affected me, my relationships, and my entire viewpoint on being a creator. I can’t imagine how my life would look today if I didn’t have such an amazing support system help me through it. Chances are, however, I would have given up on the spot and not released a response at all. I am very easily shaken, and public opinion does, unfortunately, mean a lot to me. The thought that even one person then disliked me was nearly unbearable, and I consider myself lucky that things calmed down as simply as they did.

What struck me the most about that whole situation was not the release of document itself, but how quickly so many of my friends and creative mutuals disavowed me and my team without hesitation, only for them to attempt to reconcile with me once the public had received my word. It felt uncanny, and it felt dreadful. How could I welcome someone back into my world if they could not even wait to hear the true innings of it? You’ve always had a bad feeling, you should have known not to get close, you never knew how bad it was. You’re sorry you ever associated with me.

I couldn’t fully blame anyone for this, however. It’s not a problem with any one individual, rather a problem with the culture, as I previously stated. You could, in your heart of hearts, believe that a second chance should be allowed to a person or situation, but expressing that often leads to a negative grouping or an othering, as if you yourself partake in said bad behavior as well. To avoid conflict, people will make statements disavowing you en masse because silence is interpreted as agreeing rather than processing the fact that your friend has just done something very wrong. These are old friends, not tokens of moral purity. Often times, an accosting is enough to scare the average netizen off from offering a nuanced perspective, or from even sticking around a friend that has done wrong to hold them accountable out of a desire to help them become a better person.

In general, when we ostracize a person from a community or any sort of space, we erase the humanity of them as a whole. And, then, nothing they can ever do will be able to change the flash-frozen image of them that is now the center of attention. Apologies are a must and yet they are always only given because the accused was caught or they aren’t sincere enough or taking enough accountability. Accountability is a must, except when asked what online accountability can truly mean, the answer is usually nebulous and unclear, but almost always means being cyberbullied and rendered completely alone.

With this in mind, the only way to be perceived as truly accountable to your crowd of origin when you are called out is to kill yourself. There is no way to prove to the internet that you are working on yourself, (not in a way that anyone would believe), and all will speak of you with malice unless you are dead.

It may feel clean, it may not feel as scary to dissociate from a friend because of this, but you’ll always remember them. Many of my friends, myself included, are extremely paranoid of making even simple mistakes nowadays. You can never truly know what it feels like to have the worst parts of yourself be locked in as your permanent image until you’ve experienced it yourself.

This is not to say that it’s imperative to welcome back people that have done harm with open arms. I just hope that, in time, we can all choose the right course of action from within ourselves and out of the true desire to do right rather than out of fear. I myself am guilty of engaging in this culture, and I’m guilty of perpetuating it by not speaking up sooner when I feel so strongly about it as someone who struggles with OCD. Truly, all of this is a call to manifest a more nuanced perspective, and to not raise hell on people who choose to stay to encourage someone to grow when they’ve just lost everything. It is a call to wait and listen, to have patience, to understand, and to make an individual decision, in private. I encourage you to look inside of yourselves and look at your best friends and decide what you would do if this happened to you or them.

I'm going to leave some of the symbolism stuff in the MV up to interpretation based in what you've read here, but I think it's important to mention that the main characters with the masks are going through something similar, and that the main victim of the stalker was killed by words alone. Additionally, the music itself was inspired by the albums, "Hearth Room" (Frost Children, 2023), and, "Plastic Death" (Glass Beach, 2024), as much of the EP is! The sampled guitar was super inspired by, "Bernadette," off of Hearth Room. Please check it out if you have the chance!

holy shit oh my go what the fuck