My stupid little blog

It makes me feel gross and weird. It also triggers weird nihilistic thoughts such as: Attracted to a girl that's unavailable -> brain tells me i am clearly inferior in every way to her Bf (if she has one) or that I'm a creep.

Attracted to a guy -> dammit, my ex was right about me, I'm a fruitcake in denial Attracted to a girl, that is available, and that likes me back? congrats buddy you did an objectification. And she's too good for you. And you would make her unhappy. Get back in the hole -> Girl I don't like is attracted to me somehow? -> Guess I'm ungrateful callous monster. Can't decide if I like a person? guess I'm leading them on and manipulating them.

On another note, being hesitant about dating someone because you think you can "do better" is such a horrible thing. I don't know if anyone else does this or just me. I know it's materialistic and the antithesis of everything that Love is supposed to be but I'm scared to commit to another relationship because I don't want to upset or dissapoint people because they'll hate me and tell all their friends that I'm a shitty partner and a useless slob.

Anyway how are you guys doing? Any plans this weekend?

That's right, I managed to get episode 8 running at a good framerate (with audio!) on a rockbox 4-gigabyte storage 2nd generation ipod Nano.

Feast your eyes on the smallest screening of TADC you will ever see >:]

minor warning: I am an insecure weirdo and this is my personal venting blog. Feel free to comment, any advice would be appreciated. God knows I need it. I turned 18 last week. yay, I can vote and stuff. I still feel exactly the same. Recently I've been thinking about abusing substances. I genuinely feel like the control group of the rat park study, without the park. Just a cage. (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rat_Park) Honestly I am proud of myself for resisting the urge to go out and buy cigarrettes and alchohol. Partly because drinking alone is just depressing. I spent last year wishing I'd get invited to parties by the "cool kids™" (like cinderella going to the ball) so I can engage in drinking, sex, homosexual anything, smoking and whatever else my parents would dissaprove of. It was quite pathetic. To bo honest I don't even want to do those activities that much, I just hate feeling like I'm missing out. Or maybe It's the loneliness that causes this FOMO feeling. Now that I'm 18, Do I feel like an adult? Nope, here's why; I have >no driving license >no job (I can barely keep up with schoolwork) >don't go clubbing (I would hate it) (but I wish someone would invite me) >low grades (studying is so hard) (but it's the only thing I have going for me) Oh also I'm chopped and my heart is full of spite. Anyway being 18 is still the same as being a hormonal insecure 17 year old except now you feel even more inadequate. When I see what people have accomplished at 18 it drives me up the wall. I wanted to play guitar ever since I was 10 but I'm a quitter and I quit several times and I can't play guitar and other people my age can and I hate myself for it. I was a quitter when it came to riding a bike or learning to swim too. I did manage to learn those in the end.

I am wasting my Saturday afternoon away. I don't want to study. It's ridiculous really, because I know that my grades need to be higher, and I need to study to increase them. However I feel a sort of apathy towards it all. Sometimes I sit and read a book, drink my tea, watch the clouds and all of a sudden the thought of work disgusts me. As if everything will magically be ok. Or maybe I am disgusted by my own procrastination. Either way, here I am. Wasting away another Saturday :')