when god made me he just wanted to see how many things could be wrong with a girl at once

today my mom and i met a colobus monkey at the zoo who posed for pictures and then my mom held out her phone to show him the pictures of himself. he was looking at the phone screen for like a full minute i wish i could like understand what was going on in his head

mothers are insane they'll come into your bedroom exhibit mental illness then just leave

no little german boy dont go to the weed cave

Oh mein Gott zees is ein cave full of blüntsmoken!

why are there bruises on my knees

i snuck into your house while you were sleeping and used one of those doctor reflex tester hammers to beat the shit out of your knees specifically

gotta have my glue