NEVERMIND

I wanted us to talk it out, I wanted to know what I did wrong and what I could have done to make you stay.

I wanted to hear you say to me that you didn’t want me anymore. I wanted you to be brutal with what you said, I wanted you to tell me you don’t need me anymore and that whatever you felt for me, just isn’t there anymore. I wanted you to tell me that you had found another girl. I wanted you to tell me that all this time you didn’t really mean anything you ever said to me. I wanted you to tell me that it all wasn’t real to you. That it was all just a game.

I so desperately needed answers but all I got was silence. No explanation, no goodbye.

From one day to the next you were just gone. In the span of a day you were nowhere to be found anymore. It’s as though the earth just swallowed you whole. I couldn’t get hold of you, no matter how hard I tried. In the darkest hours I was questioning if you were even real, wondering if maybe you were just an illusion after all. I felt like I was going insane.

It’s months later now and although I’ve moved on, I still long for that closure. I still want an explanation because I think I deserve one. After everything we’ve gone through, after everything you’ve said and I said back to you, I think that’s the least you can do for me.

But seeing what kind of man you are, I know that I’ll never get what I want. I know what hides behind your exterior, know that behind your mask is someone who indeed is not as strong as he claims to be. I know that the strong man you portray yourself to be, is just an illusion of yours to keep yourself alive. I know that everything I thought you were, you weren’t. I made you out to be so perfect when perfect is not a word to describe you with. All the things you pride yourself on being, are things you wish you were. I know that you’re still wishing to be all of them one day, you haven’t given up hope. I, on the other hand, know that a man like you, will never turn into that kind of man. And most importantly, I know that I wouldn’t ever want a man like you to be the man I need.

All the words he’s said, all the things he’s done to you, and all the love you felt for him.

It won’t matter.

If you give yourself enough time, you will realise that yes, his words and kisses were sweet, his touch was electrifying, and his love unlike anything you’ve ever felt. But you’ll also realise that no matter how much joy he brought into your life and no matter how much colour he put into your small world of black and white, he just wasn’t the right one.

If he was then he wouldn’t have given up when dark clouds showed on the blue sky that he painted, and he wouldn’t have just left you when all joy faded from your existence.

If he was the right one for you, he would have stayed. He would have repainted the sky thousand times if needed and spoken one bad joke after the other just to make you smile a bit.

But he didn’t. He took the easy way out, he did what every other person in your life has done before. He left.

And one day you’ll realise that someone who loves, doesn’t just leave. Someone who loves, who loves deeply and purely, will stay and fight the same battle every day if needed. That’s what someone who loves you really does for you. They stay and they fight until everything is alright.