Reborn only to fall again

You were my fisherman

You caught my eye in a room filled with people

In an ocean filled with beautiful beings

You picked me

But you were a fisherman for fun

Catching prey and throwing it back

Just to pass time

Just to pass time you decided to capture me

Your hook must have gotten my eye

Cause I, blindly in love, wanted to get caught by you

But hobbies will always be just hobbies won’t they?

So you let go

Still, I find myself swimming near the place you used to go fishing

You were my alarm clock

You woke me up from a sleep so deep,

where everything was lost, constantly dreaming

even when awake

The winter in my heart kept the climate cold and inhabitable

Until your mouth formed spring and blew it towards me

Three words from you made me see

that spring can come even in the coldest places

That rain is pretty but so is the rainbow

That my heart could get used to your warmth

That I was allowed to feel

You couldn’t have known

That when the winter leaves the bear awakes

The bear I forcefully put to sleep

As it has killed everything that has gotten a bit too close a bit too near, a bit too dear to me

The bear living inside my head that’s purple of jealousy,

Blue of insecurity

red of uncontrollable rage,

green of greed to have you mine and mine alone

A bear that I knew it existed but never wanted people to see

And you’re so not fair.. Cause I let you see.

Why did you wake me up?

Why did you act like you couldn’t see the bear? When in reality it was eating you whole

You just appeared

Tapped me on the shoulder with no warning

And even though i knew it’d end in a massacre Still,

I would stay awake with you,

watch the night sky for as long as eternity

Or at least until the beast ripped us apart

You were my Judas

Always by me, always loving

You found your religion you said

And it was me

You kissed me and you made me feel like I exist just to be right there

Next to you

But then the soldiers came disguised as fights, disguised as screaming and disguised as exhaustion

And you showed them the way to me

You gave me up. Let them have me.

How much did those soldiers offer you to choose them over me?

Why didn’t you choose me?

What exactly did I do, so wrong, that I deserved to be traded?

Me for peace? Me for silence?

Me for nothing?

And like that everything real became a lie

Your kisses, your words, your hands touching mine

Still,

I would let you betray me a million times more if it meant that your lips would touch mine again

You were my drug

moms life lessons over alcohol and drugs meant everything until I saw you

Nothing made me want to risk my life, become addicted, ruin everything I had built until now just for a moment of happiness

Until I saw you

Your touch became my heroin and I became addicted

Trapped between your arms

I knew it’d kill me if there was nothing left of you to have

Just one more dose, just one more fix

I need more. Just a little bit more

And like a junkie I begged and cried and bargained And threatened

And shouted

And you teared up

Looking at what I had become

Looking at my wounds

The broken glass on the floor

The broken heart in my chest

And at my desperate eyes

You felt nothing but

Pity

“There’s nothing left to give” you said

“The side effects will die out”

funny how you’d say that

when the only thing I wanted to let die out was me

Still,

the side effects are worth the pleasure

Even when the side effect is to never feel alive again

Until I find you.. Until you return..

I ll keep swimming around in case you’d like to play

I ll keep my door open in case you’d want to release me from this nightmare

I ll keep being near in case you need a religion to hold you together

I ll keep doing the same drugs

The ones that make my mind numb

For an hour or two to forget for awhile

and they don’t sparkle

when your smile vanishes

when it turns to my direction

when your voice turns cold

while referring to my name

when I hear your adventures

by someone else’s mouth

but not yours

that’s how I know