your local dumbassery

.

It started with Dick pondering about the whole "secret identity" thing as a young Robin. The news are partially about Brucie Wayne, young dad extraordinaire setting an example for all reformed rakes turned fathers.

Then half of it is about speculations on Batman's true form — because while they all could've sworn that Batman was, well, a man... most investigators are hesitant to consider him human now because suddenly there's a toddling colorful child creature bobbing along after the living legend, with the same moves and capabilities as the Bat

Dick gets the brilliant idea to make Bruce into it

"Think about it!" Dick said on that first patrol, "People won't think too harsh on Batman if they figured that I'm just your little cub who is also made to fight crime, instead of a human kid out on the streets at night."

Bruce narrowed his eyes, but there's no harshness in his gaze. He's looking at this little boy, with messy curls of black and the sweetest shade of blue in his eyes. A reflection of him. How cruel it is of this boy to play with his feelings.

"You want people to think that the Batman is a creature that can give birth?" Bruce repeated carefully.

"More than that! I want them to think you're my mother!"

"...same thing."

"Bleh!"

.

It works as Dick proposed. Lesser ties made to Bruce Wayne, a cisgender man who can definitely not give birth, to Batman, a creature that allegedly birthed Robin. Bruce thinks it's the stupidest solution to a common problem, and he made Brucie.

But it works so they let the story run wild. Bruce doesn't mind so much as the weird, hungry, curious gazes that some villains and thugs give him.

Dick seemed to find it hilarious when ladies stopped Batman in the streets to tell him to rest because "you just gave birth!!"... only until said people also tell him to "respect your mother!"

Overall, it was just another one of those weird things a vigilante resorts to for the sake of operational efficiency...

...

Until one time, Robin had gotten captured in a ship rigged to blow, and villains left and right were hitting him everywhere.

Batman had priorities on the other side of the docks. Robin just had to distract everyone else, and this was a distraction technically. But everything hurt and some of the older men were looking at him funny and he can't move and he wants to go home.

"MAMA!" Robin shrieked into the night.

And descended from the shadows was the Batman, in all his apparently motherly glory — towering above 6 feet, maybe more, because animals grow their appearance when preparing to pounce. A culmination of darkness and rage. Armed to the teeth with weapons and artful precision.

His white eyes turn to a bloodied, shaking young Robin, then to the rest of the fools who dared breathe his boy's air. The sound of rage he made was not human.

Every move is calculated and efficient; not with the aim to kill, but to make an example of the bastards who dared hurt his little bird.

.

This story will be passed along the underworld of Gotham for years to come as more and more of the Bat's brood grew

And this secret will be inherited from Robin to Robin, Batgirl to Batgirl

Bruce is a father — providing, stern, careful

But Batman? They each came from his symbol, his cloth, his rearing. And Batman is a much more violent creature when it comes to protecting those who have his mark.

based on that one scene from Ghost Stories lol

E.g. Sel-LINA your boyfriend is being meannn to me.

Jason: Your fuck buddy really did it this time, Selina.

Selina: Why are you bleeding all over my floor?

Typical night of patrol lol

Navigating gender dysphoria? Be heard and be counted in the science.

[pt: DO NOT TAKE THIS SURVEY]

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They go to dick for help with taxes, getting a ride, crying at 2 am, getting a gift for Bruce, picking a shirt to buy, panning a surprise, yknow that type of help

They go to Jason when they get too drunk and are about to pass out, pregnancy scares, they’re over 18 and wanna get high, fuck up and need to hide it from Bruce, need to get away from Bruce, that type of help

Dicks idea of sibling fun is playing board games, eating at shitty diners, friendly sparing and watching movies

Jason’s idea of sibling fun is shoving someone down a hill in a shopping cart, dragging someone behind his bike on a table and fully throttling each other over Mario cart

Dick’ll take the batkids to doctors appointment, hair appointment and he’ll run errands with them

Jason’ll take the batkids to get piercings and tattoos, he’ll sign off on questionable illegal activities and take the younger bats out of school early

__

Kon, holding two bananas: are these ok?

Tim: I mean normally you use older bananas in banana bread but yeah

Kon: they’re a-peeling anyways

Tim: …

Tim: really?

Kon: listen I’m hilarious

__

Duke: do we have a recipe?

Izzy: no but I know what shortbread dough looks like I can eye ball it

Duke: if you say so, you’re the boss

Izzy: that I am, go get the flour

Duke: yes ma’am

__

Dick, making cookies: yknow the last time I made cookies I almost set Rachel’s house on fire

Kori: ??? How

Dick: it was like 1am and we were 14 none of us remember

Kori: Jesus-

__

Jason, has a flour hand print on his ass:

Roy, suspiciously flour covered hands:

Jason: I’m going to kill you, you know that?

Roy: (;•_•)

Jason: I’m not even mad you slapped my ass but why’d you do it with flour covered hands.

Roy: questionable decision making skills?

Jason, deep sigh:

__

Jon, trying to microwave butter in a metal bowl:

Damian: you can’t put that in the microwave

Jon: why not?

Damian: it’s metal

Jon: so?

Damian: you can’t put metal in the microwave.

Jon: oh

Jon: what if I just put the butter in by itself?

Damian:

Damian: think about that sentence, please.

__

Steph: how much edible glitter before it becomes no longer edible?

Cass: how much do we have?

Steph: a lot actually

Cass: it’ll start tasting off at some point

Steph: we’re going for nostalgia not taste

__

Bruce, standing outside the kitchen: can I help?