★★★★★

esteemed bastards of the flaming dumpster that is the final fantasy fandom, we are all familiar with the common chocobo. these loyal birds have been carrying us around since all the way back in FF2, and have since become a cultural symbol with significance beyond the franchise it came from, particularly with regard to the musical lemotif they are associated with

there have been countless discussions over what incarnation of chocobo is best, but to my knowledge, none of them use a rating system based on the only metric that matters: deliciousness

that’s right we’re gonna rate the giant horse-chickens based on how good they would be to eat, stop crying

lets get started with the first 9 entries of this feast of death

FF2:

for this first foray into chocobo deliciodability, we will be examining yoshitaka amano’s initial concept art for the chocobo

well this was a horrible idea. it looks like a pack of frozen chicken thighs you’d get on clearance at the dollar store. that thing is mostly rib meat and by-products. that thing tastes like rubber and sadness. this is a plate of hot wings that they forgot to season, and there’s no sauce on them, either. eating this chocobo inflicts Blind status

SNACKABILITY RANKING: 1 FIERI OUT OF 5, POOR DISPLAY, WOULD NOT EAT

FFIII:

for this chocobo, we will be referencing the Legend of the Eternal Wind FFIII manga

well i didn’t think it was possible to actually do worse than the last chocobo, and yet here we are! this thing doesn’t look like it’s meant to be eaten. it looks like it would peck you to death if you tried, even after you cooked it. this thing has meat so tough, it requires several days’ worth of chewing just to get it down, and it’s flavorless the entire time. it looks like the way hot dog water smells

SNACKABILITY RANKING: 0 FIERIES OUT OF 5, NO POINTS AWARDED, YOUR VIBES ARE ABSOLUTELY ATROCIOUS

FFIV:

okay now we’re actually getting into eatable territory. this looks like a nice roast pheasant, or something equally small and delightful. this is that tiny-ass roast bird that Bob Cratchit bought for his family’s holiday dinner in A Christmas Carol. you could eat this in two bites- they’d be flavorful bites, but only just so. this is a snack, you eat this while you’re waiting for your entree

SNACKABILITY RANKING: 3 FIERIES OUT OF 5, POPCORN CHICKEN

FFV:

this is the same damn chicken as ffiv, i’m skipping it

FFVI:

okay getting better here. these are some Hearty Boys, each one is clearly at least a full bucket of chicken, and they look spicy. improvement all around. would definitely eat these mcnuggets

SNACKABILITY RANKING: 4 FIERIES OUT OF 5, RUN RUN OR YOU’LL BE WELL DONE

FFVII:

oh bubba!!! now you got yourself a MEAL. look at that boy! that’s a whole ass turkey dinner. cook that bad buoy at 350 degrees fahrenheit for 4-6 hours, occasionally basting with Hi-Potion for extra hp restorative goodness!!!

SNACKABILITY RANKING: 4 FIERIES OUT OF 5, THATS DINNER

FFVIII:

are you kidding me??? this is a baby, i can’t eat this

i mean, i could, and i will, but i’ll feel bad about it, look how cute it is

SNACKABILITY RANKING: 2 FIERIES OUT OF 5, DELICIOUS BUT MY TEARS RUINED THE FLAVOR PROFILE

FFIX:

oh fuck you

SNACKABILITY RANKING: NO POINTS AWARDED, TOO CUTE

FFX:

holy shit would u look at the absolute SIZE of this delicious lad. this is not just a bucket of chicken- this is a FAMILY FEAST. this is how Tidus and co. survived their pilgrimage, this is what they ate. i now understand why FFX has a boss called Chocobo Eater, and i will never judge him for his choices again, because honestly who could blame him

SNACKABILITY RANKING: MAX POINTS, VOLUNTARY GAME OVER DURING CHOCOBO EATER SEQUENCE

a common raven with leucism. leucism is similar to albinism, but is a partial lack of many pigments, not a complete loss. ravens are known for their black pigmentation; pure white birds like this one suffer from increased visibility to predators, as well as sometimes being rejected socially.