The Art of Altercation

i first played hades years ago, in 2021, during the aftermath of a catastrophic back injury that left me bedbound and almost entirely immobile. during the first weeks of that injury, the pain was more or less constant- the medication i had to mitigate the pain could only be taken every six hours, and did not last long enough to completely bridge the gaps, so it was crucial that i find something to occupy my time

hades was a necessary distraction. i'd never played a roguelike before, and found the gameplay loop addictive enough to keep my focus off the painful gulfs between medication doses. before long, it became part of my daily routine: wake up, take a dose of medicine, play hades for six hours, take another dose of medicine, play hades until the medicine kicked in enough to finally let me sleep.

i began to identify with the game, on a conceptual level. the endless loop that Zagreus found himself trapped in became enmeshed with my own endless loop. every death i experienced in the game- every bloodsoaked "THERE IS NO ESCAPE" that flashed across my screen- reinforced the growing doom that lived in my head... that nagging suspicion that my circumstances were permanent, and i would never walk again, or ever even hope to live without pain.

it was the darkest time of my life... the worst weeks and months i have ever experienced. through those times, and as a consequence of them, i lost more than i ever believed possible. still, i clung to hades. hades kept me sane. if Zagreus could forever rise from the river of styx after being killed, i could surely find the strength to get through just one more day.

i never beat hades, when i was initially playing it. hell, i couldn't even get past Elysium (which, to be fair to me, is kind of a crazy difficulty spike, i STILL hate that damn zone). eventually, i stopped playing because the frustration was beginning to outweigh the benefits of distraction.

i recovered, eventually. i went through a lot of treatment and physical therapy, some of which i'm still going through today, and i'll never be as fast or strong as i was before i got hurt... but i can stand. i can walk. i didn't think i'd ever be able to do that again.

when i returned to hades at the start of last June, it was because i wanted to finally try hades 2, but knew it would bother the hell out of me if i did that without beating the first one. finally beating it now, five years later, feels monumental, somehow.

i'm not the same person i was in 2021. it almost feels like the person i was back then died somehow, but i know that isn't true. the hard truth is that i've changed, but that person was still me. watching the epilogue of hades and seeing how it all ends, after all this time- finally learning that it's *not* an endless loop, and that broken things can be fixed, even if they're never quite the same afterward- feels so fitting to me. it feels so personal.

i feel forever changed by the experience.

still fucking hate Elysium, though.