fucking headmates can't agree on a blog title

rest stops on highways

trails by the highway just out of earshot of traffic

schools during breaks

those little beaches right next to ferry docks

your friends living room once everybody but you is asleep

the lighting section of home depot

A lot of these places are called liminal spaces - which means they are throughways from one space to the next. Places like rest stops, stairwells, trains, parking lots, waiting rooms, airports feel weird when you’re in them because their existence is not about themselves, but the things before and after them. They have no definitive place outside of their relationship to the spaces you are coming from and going to. Reality feels altered here because we’re not really supposed to be in them for a long time for think about them as their own entities, and when we do they seem odd and out of place.

The other spaces feel weird because our brains are hard-wired for context - we like things to belong to a certain place and time and when we experience those things outside of the context our brains have developed for them, our brains are like NOPE SHIT THIS ISN’T RIGHT GET OUT ABORT ABORT. Schools not in session, empty museums, being awake when other people are asleep - all these things and spaces feel weird because our brain is like “I already have a context for this space and this is not it so it must be dangerous.” Our rational understanding can sometimes override that immediate “danger” impulse but we’re still left with a feeling of wariness and unease. 

not on purpose, of course, and I never want to sound like I'm blaming students for their own feelings of isolation. there are a lot of factors that make it hard to socialize, ranging from a very full class/work schedule to various neurodivergences to the majority white attendance at many campus activities to the fact that many of these students spent some formative years in quarantine.

but man, it's hard when students talk about feeling hated and unwanted by a club because no one there talks to them, only to drop that they never even try to initiate any conversation themselves. or when a student complains that they're not making any friends on campus, but when asked where they're going to meet people outside of class they seem confused and say they hardly leave their dorm for anything but class. we're currently administering an anonymous survey to assess student satisfaction with our programs, and one person wrote that they'd like to attend more of our events but don't because they don't know anyone there and don't know what the vibe will be. the solution to both of those problems feels very obvious, to me, and it's frustrating to see mild uncertainty be such a hurdle.

and while this phenomenon is 100% due to a myriad of intersecting and compounding factors, i will note that i think a lot of this starts at home. in high school, my parents encouraged me to go out and meet new people. they were happy when i started going to shows, concerts, book clubs, events, etc on my own. they wanted me to acquire a level of independence that allowed me to go to a new place, where i didn't know anyone, and still manage to find someone to talk to.

in my experience, a lot of these people who feel extremely isolated and also don't know how to make small talk at a little mixer, were not able to go out in these ways as kids. either because of controlling/over protective parents or it was unsafe for them to attend the shows and events they really wanted to.

i am asked by my peers not infrequently how i manage to make friends, how i'm "so good" with talking to new people, how i always have weekend plans. because they're nervous that they'll be awkward or embarrassing or that no one will like them. and it's really hard to explain to someone that you just have to suck up the fact that you'll be a bit awkward sometimes and do it scared. and that "being good" at talking to people is a skill you have to work for! because that's not what anyone wants to hear! but it's the truth.

Big things are only the result of a summary of a bunch of small things. If you don't have actual moments of being in a space with other people and even trying to talk to them, you cannot summarize what you are like with other people in that space. You can't do math on zero. You shouldn't do math on a low sample size either. (Yes, I know you CAN. But this is about trying to figure out how to do better, I think?)

So I'm going to try to say things that are SPECIFIC. "Fake it til you make it," is FINE, but WHAT are we faking?

I was going to order this in steps but that felt silly. I have no idea how I acquired these behaviors or in what order. Also Tumblr is actively removing my ability to move text around. So!

Let go of "good time" vs. "bad time." It's just time.

Don't duck and cower. If you are in a public space and want to, project a mild interest in folks by not mimicking an armadillo.

Remember that interest doesn't mean you have to say yes to anything, ever. But say yes when you are invited and your only hesitation is, "wait, me?"

If you're not going where people can be in proximity to you and speak to you, you aren't doing anything in this direction. You can have so many reasons for why this is hard. But. Talking to strangers requires strangers. I'll be your stranger if you want me to (I'm AWFUL at internet connection and great at everything else, maybe you will all put me through the ringer).

Let go of specific, "I want to make a friend who is this type of person who blah blah." If you go out once, and you don't, you won't. If you go out twenty times, you maybe will, and if you don't, you'll have twenty times you've bolstered your people observation skills and met other people.

Ok, the specifics. Get close enough to someone that they know where you are and wait for them to orient toward you. Say a little hi. When they know you're there, ask an open ended questions. "What brings you here?"

If someone set up space for you, it's for you. Imagine someone saying "sorry" and "is this ok?" one zillion times in the space you set up for them vs. "oh thank you so how does this work I like what you did with X" who do you like more?

Crush the shame until it can't crush back.

Fuck, just put the fun back in. My friends and I in high school talked about "good people watching" and sought out situations for that. You're not a little lamb, you're a big primate watching other primates. Be open to the weirdness.

"Go out" is an inclusive act that means chatting to anyone. I learned a lot from chatting up nurses and facilities guys at my college.

Pick ephemeral situations as testing grounds. Standing in line for coffee, groceries, whatever. Waiting for a bus. Sitting down or slipping out of class.

For longer attempts, pick open social situations like clubs, sit down coffee shops, the cafe, libraries, bars. Subjective which is why:

Mimicry is your friend.

Figure out: What the heck is happening in this space? Are people in little groups? How are they greeting each other? How is a new person welcomed? To be clear, break from standard if needed. If everyone is sitting and reading, and you want a coffee, go get a coffee. Don't assume your tiny snapshot is enough to understand everything.

If someone is being social in way you like, watch and learn and do.

My dad used to wait humbly as other folks would move through a (museum, restaurant, historic area) before he'd greet them. Then he'd ask questions: "how did you get into this? do you have a favorite thing? I liked to see this, what are your thoughts on it?" Be kind to folks.

And vampires

And a werewolf that one time

And like, alternate dimensions

if you put potatoes in your medieval european style fantasy world people will by and large not find it jarring and accept it as a normal fantasy trope

if you put, say, black people in your medieval european style fantasy world a whole demographic of people will get very angry and accuse you of breaking their immersion