Dark Lord Duckie

Toilet roll,

Kettle,

Tea/coffee,

Mugs (enough for the number of people helping you to move),

A bottle opener (wine or beer at your discretion)

Disposable plates and cutlery (because the last thing you want to do once you’ve unpacked is wash up)

When you get to your new place send someone out for milk for the teas and coffees also maybe biscuits.

TP and toilet plunger. Hopefully you won’t need the plunger on the first night but it’d be AWFUL to have to look for it in case of emergency.

kette/coffee maker and necessary hot beverage supplies.  Including Mugs.  Caffeination is Key.

Your fave pan and spatula.  You have one.  You won’t use it the first night but I promise that you will NOT be done unpacking the kitchen stuff before you’re sick of takeout.

Duct Tape

Batteries

Cleaning supplies- paper towels, all-purpose cleaner, duster- houses get gross when left alone

Router, becuase we’re millenials and we’re going to be googling how to fix/turn on and assemble everything.

Enough bedding to cover your mattress while you sleep on it for the first few nights.

cell phone/laptop chargers

change of clothes, maybe two

If you have some kind of water filter that also fits in this box, bring that.  

PURCHASE, FIRST NIGHT:

When you’re getting takeout, get the disposable plates/flatware/cups.  Also get takeout sooner rather than later so you don’t collapse of hypoglycemia in the middle of unloading boxes like me, a moron.

I personally reccomend chinese.  

If you’ve moved to an area where it’s not safe to drink the tap water unflitered and you’re a dummy like me that forgot to put your filter in the First Box, get enough bottled water to stay hydrated until you can get your filter set up.

milk, eggs, your preferred cooking fat, other meal/pantry staples.

Something fun like cookies or booze. You’ve had a tough day.

If you forgot the TP/batteries/duct tape/cleaning supplies, get those. 

To Do Upon Arrival, even before unpacking:

Get there about an hour before the moving truck and do the following:

Re-check all the lights/taps/toilet/appliances/AC/Heater.  Things might have happened and you’ll want to call the repair guy ASAP if something needs fixing.

Introduce yourself to your neighbors if they’re home.  This will help prevent things like parking issues or noise complaints, there’s a good chance they’ll actually help, and if you’re REALLY lucky they’ll cook and you don’t have to get takeout.

Also if you do need to call a repair guy they probably know someone.

clean up any obvious messes before they get blocked by boxes.

Hydrate and have a snack before lifting.

DO NOT ATTEMPT ON DAY 1

Keep all pets and probably young children contained/boarded/at a friend or relative’s house until all the boxes and furniture is inside to prevent escape.  

Hell, you’re probably exhausted. Leave them with grandma overnight.

Do Not Attempt to assemble disassembled furniture on day one.  you will do it wrong and possibly slice your hand open with the allen wrench somehow and have to go to the urgent care

try not to go to the urgent care in general.

Don’t bother answering any email, texts, voicemails or nonemergency forms of communication.  you’re busy.  Possibly you are busy eating chinese and crying, but you are busy.

Exercise. you already did a ton of heavy lifting and cardio.  don’t go jogging and pass out in an unfamiliar neighborhood.

Reccomended:

If you own the place or feel confident enough in your spackle and paint abilities to get your damage deposit back, put a nail in a wall and hang something up.  It’s your space now.

The crowd boos. I begin to walk off in shame, when a voice speaks and commands silence from the room.

Art By IG: @vskafandre

“I looked at him and then I looked at his secretary. who was standing next to me, and I said, ‘Well, sir, if the general pleases, sir, I’ll be happy to do this investigation for you. But you have to know that the first name on the list will be mine.’

“And he kind of was taken aback a bit. And then this woman standing next to me said, ‘Sir, if the general pleases, you must be aware that Sergeant Phelps’s name may be second, but mine will be first.’

“Then I looked at him, and I said, ‘Sir, you’re right. They’re lesbians in the WAC battalion. And if the general is prepared to replace all the file clerks, all the section commanders, all of the drivers—every woman in the WAC detachment—and there were about nine hundred and eighty something of us—then I’ll be happy to make the list. But I think the general should be aware that among those women are the most highly decorated women in the war. There have been no cases of illegal pregnancies. There have been no cases of AWOL. There have been no cases of misconduct. And as a matter of fact, every six months since we’ve been here, sir, the general has awarded us a commendation for meritorious service.’

“And he said, ‘Forget the order.’

Humanity: We sort of based our entire value system off it? So no?

Dragons: But you aren’t using it and we need it.

Humanity: Sweet. Can you pay us for it? 

Dragons: Do you accept UNENDING FIRE TERROR as payment?

Gwrych Castle. Wales

Am I the only one who read this part and suddenly realized that Fred and George are absolute HEROES?!

You can vote for the next comic scene over on my Patreon!