SANKTA ALINA.

* is that all you have to say?

* tell me you love me or something, don’t just stand there!

* are you out of your fucking mind?

* it’s truly a wonder that you’re still alive.

* that’s not my name.

* that’s not my name and you know it.

* how many fingers am i holding up?

* i swear, it’s my dog’s fault.

* are you really going in there?

* that’s how people get killed in horror movies, you know?

* if you die on me after everything i’ve done for you… i’ll never forgive you.

* how could i ever forgive you?

* sometimes, everything shifts in the snap of a finger.

* stop yelling at me or i’ll tell them!

* would it kill you to hold my hand every now and then?

* just squeeze my ass and tell me everything will be okay.

* you’re all i need right now.

* you’re finally here, so i can fucking sleep.

* i told you to turn your music down!

* you’re not my parent!

* i didn’t steal your boyfriend, he came with me willingly.

* it’s taking everything in me not to slap you in the face right now.

* you know, people can hear you.

* do you ever think before you speak? you should try it.

* i’ll change your life, if you let me.

* will you go buy me tampons or not?

* please, close the door on your way out.

* keep your hands to yourself.

* what do you think they were thinking about? you know, when they died?

* do you think they know?

* it’s not my fault, it’s 4am and you’re fucking yelling at me!

* you’re a shit friend.

* you’re my best friend.

* you’re my only friend.

* i hope hell is nice and warm when we get there.

* tell me the truth, at least once.

* did you really cheat?

* i don’t wanna know the details.

* can i have some?

* i would kill for a nice glass of wine right now.

* you brought a knife to a gun fight, baby.

* you’re so stupid it kinda turns me on.

❛  are we actually doing the right thing?  ❜ ❛  are you bleeding?  ❜ ❛  are you even sorry?  ❜ ❛  are you still mad at me?  ❜ ❛  are you sure you’re gonna be okay on your own?  ❜ ❛  can’t we just be friends again?  ❜ ❛  can we pretend this never happened?  ❜ ❛  can you help me with this?  ❜ ❛  didn’t you listen to what i just said?  ❜ ❛  did you ever even love me?  ❜ ❛  don’t you believe me?  ❜ ❛  do you trust me?  ❜ ❛  do you understand what that means?  ❜ ❛  do you want to talk about it?  ❜ ❛  haven’t you heard the news?  ❜ ❛  have you ever cared about anyone other than yourself?  ❜ ❛  how did you do that?  ❜ ❛  how will i ever be able to repay you?  ❜ ❛  is it my fault?  ❜ ❛  is there anything i can do for you?  ❜ ❛  was all of this just a lie?  ❜ ❛  we’re gonna survive this, right?  ❜ ❛  what are you doing here?  ❜ ❛  what do you want from me?  ❜ ❛  what have you done to them?  ❜ ❛  what makes you think i’m going to help you?  ❜ ❛  when was the last time you ate something?  ❜ ❛  when will it stop?  ❜ ❛  when will you ever grow up?  ❜ ❛  where were you last night?  ❜ ❛  who did this to you?  ❜ ❛  who the hell are you?  ❜ ❛  why can’t you just let it go?  ❜ ❛  why didn’t you tell me sooner?  ❜ ❛  why did you leave me?  ❜ ❛  why don’t you come home with me?  ❜ ❛  why would you do something like that?  ❜ ❛  will you call me when you got there safely?  ❜ ❛  will you please tell me what happened?  ❜ ❛  will you stop doing that?  ❜

MALINA WEEK 2023: DAY FIVE - FREE CHOICE

HE KNOWS she is referencing her background as an orphan , a light joke to his commentary about family . but instead of laughing , he looks at her instead .

SHE SCOFFS IN REPLY. ❝ forget i said anything, ❞ she says, her voice amused, her lips tugging up into a lopsided grin. ❝ i can see your massive ego already inflating several sizes. i need to find a pin to deflate you with or you'll fly away. ❞

HE REALIZES probably later than he should have that her shock is settling in , and instead of sitting beside her , he moves to kneel in front of her instead .

HER HANDS SHAKE, as he kneels in front of her. she will not - can not - look at him right now. not when the fear was so evident and curling around her, not when she was not an inch the sun saint that everyone prayed to for salvation ( but a monster ).

THE WOMAN IS BURNED AT THE STAKE. the fjerdans have no cause to be afraid of her; after all, she is not actually a witch nor grisha. no; the woman was otkazat'sya, who had stood in their witch-hunters' way as they tried to steal away two grisha children, homeless and nameless.

SANKTA NADJA, they call her, devoted, after the city is in ruins and burning to the ground. THE PATRON SAINT OF ORPHANS AND THE ABANDONED.

ALINA DOES NOT HAVE REASON TO LIE. for what does she have? no standing, no power, nothing gained or lost. instead she simply gazes back at him, her face carefully blank. she always did wear her heart too accidentally on her sleeve.

❝ AS FAR as coronations go , i think it'll be remembered as the most interesting in the lantsov line . ❞ it's said dryly , almost uncaring . but there's an unease under his skin . it shook him , deeply , and he's only moderately succeeding at pretending it didn't . he circles around , to sit down beside alina . he doesn't know how to broach the subject with HER , either . that woman had been severed in half , which nikolai was grateful for , don't get him wrong . but at the same tIime - - - - well . one wonders .

THE EUPHORIA DOES NOT LAST LONG. once the adrenaline has worn off, alina finds herself balking. finds her eyes rapidly blinking, horror etching itself into her veins; for a second, her vision of nikolai blurs, and in his wake is him. him, dark and taunting, his hand outstretched. i have seen what you are, and i've never turned away. bile rises up her throat.

SHE WATCHES him , and when she bends to smell the flowers , eyes closed and a quiet delight on her face , he watches her back . there is a joy in her , he thinks . a kindness . he wants to say innocence , but that feels too patronizing . like she's looked at all the terrible things , and chose gentleness instead . he can appreciate it . a lot of his own bravado is a farce , but she brings more of his joy to the surface in return .

❝ what is family if not complicated? ❞ she teases back, her arm looped with his. like this, they feel like genuine friends and less like two pieces on the chessboard, with their hands curled over each other's pawns. she thinks she could get used to it. she thinks she's tired of awaiting betrayal from him. her head slants, considering his words as they walk, a smile playing at her lips. ❝ not that i would know. ❞