red headed nightmare

“Isn’t vine appreciation art in itself? I mean, the content on that website was indescribable, but if I could, I’d say many of them were masterpieces. Damn, I never thought of that, maybe I am a wizard after all. I don’t really know how to be one though, I don’t have a wand. Do they even make jellies in men sizes at all? If so, I want some.” 

“I think so.  In fact, I think they could probably turn Vine appreciation into a class.  And for your final project, you have to post so many vines to get an A, and then so many to get a B, you get the idea.  It definitely still could be a possibility.  You just need to get one then and start practicing.  If they don’t, they might make them in large enough women’s sizes so you could wear those.”

“That sounds like a lame school all together, have you thought about transferring? I guess sixth grade was when I realised I wasn’t a wizard born to muggle parents…I was just a muggle–it was quite a hard time, actually. No, I’ve not actually worn jellies, but they look like they’d rub a lot. I love orange, so I’m glad it’s respected. Only about a thousand times better? I’m sure it’ll be okay. But light purple–got it.”

“But they have a really good art program, so I’m so hesitant.  Maybe there’s a way to get them excited about Vine again.  I’ve yet to accept it.  I’ve decided that there was a mix up as to which wizarding school was actually going to accept me because they all wanted me.  So, they haven’t sent my letter, but I’m still a witch.  They really aren’t that bad, and it depends on the type of jellies.”

“These are my crocs! Vine is coming back, didn’t you hear? Wasn’t sixth grade, like, the sickest time ever, though? It was great. I really doubt there’s quite a thousand other shoes just as comfortable, nor more than. Crocs were the absolute definition of comfort. Ah, no, I got them in orange. I can get you a pair in purple though.” 

“I didn’t hear that.  My school’s kind of... lame about things like Vine, which is a real shame, honestly.  Sixth grade was the worst.  I had this teacher who taught science and social studies and she was actually just the worst.  Of course there are.  Have you never worn Jellies?  Orange is certainly respectable, but purple’s about a thousand times better.  Especially the light purple.”

“I just think you need to find the right celebrity. I’d trust Lady Gaga. But yeah, I’m totally down for Michelle being president, I think that’d be the greatest thing to happen in politics’ history.”

“I guess I just don’t think that they know what they’re doing.  There are plenty of qualified women politicians.  Let them become president, and they’ll rule the world.  And not screw everyone over in the process.”

“I bought a pair of crocs. Theo: 1. Other people: 0. Slaying.” 

“In the words of Vine, which RIP Vine, what are thooooooose?  Seriously, aren’t crocs kind of sixth grade?  Don’t get me wrong, you do you and all, but there’s about a thousand other shoes that are just as comfortable.  Or, you could’ve gotten them in purple, at least.”

“You know, I think it’s really great that Oprah is the new President of the United States. That’s how it works, right?”

“Not quite.  And don’t get me wrong, I love Oprah and she is life goals.  But, I feel almost like we’ve had too many celebrities as presidents to last a lifetime.  Michelle Obama 2020, honestly.”

“Not to be pessimistic or anything, but I doubt 2018 will be any better, considering the threat of a nuclear war and also, this camp is really dull.” 

“I don’t think you can really start a sentence with ‘not to be pessimistic,’ and then continue to be pessimistic.  Like, the whole first part totally didn’t do anything for you.  A nuclear war seems to be about on par with most other stuff my friends have dealt with before, so... eh.  And I didn’t say anything about camp being dull and I’m not entirely sure how that plays into my whole ‘love is dead and childhood is ruined thing’ but... okay.”

“But I don’t think you can fully review the year as good or bad until you’ve had Christmas, it makes or breaks the whole thing! And it’s right at the end so it can be the pick up you need, or a nice finish to end a nice year. He does look like a Cheeto, though, doesn’t he? What killed love? And how is your childhood ruined?”

“There’s no way that Christmas can undo the mess that’s been done this year. Besides, look at how bad things got last Christmas when Carrie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds died one day apart.  Literally, I think he uses some weird sort of Cheeto bronzer or something.  Chris Pratt and Anna Farris are getting a divorce, which means love is dead.  And Year 3000 was a cover by the Jonas Brothers, so childhood ruined.”

“Well, suck it up buttercup. So you’re saying if Annabeth could produce children on her own it’d be fine? I’m pretty sure having mini Annabeth’s around would be just as annoying. Imagine you get criticized by an infant Annabeth, like, I can just hear her little voice now, ‘you’re doing it wrong’. Anyone calling another human daddy is just creepy, unless you’re like an infant and are actually addressing your dad. But even now, that’s a bit creepy because I get the gross mental image. I’m racking up quite the list for things that make Annabeth cringe, they’re really fun to find. The daddy thing, the dad bod, the who knows what else. Maybe dads are just the new sexy thing? It is kind of gross to think about. If you’re going to get me a game, I want Slime Rancher, you know, the one where you collect slime poop.”

“Hey, that’s how her mom had kids.  Who’s to say that Annabeth’s incapable of reproducing the same way?  Then, I would definitely be more okay with it.  And yet, they wouldn’t be cracking dad jokes all the time.  Besides, we both know that it wouldn’t be me that got criticized by an infant Annabeth.  The word has forever been tainted, so even infants can’t really use it anymore.  Pretty sure that anything dealing with the range of human emotion is enough to make her cringe.  Except, you know, things that make her angry.  She doesn’t seem to cringe over those sort of things.  Maybe they are.  I mean, there was that weird period were MILFs, were popular, so maybe now it’s all about the DILF.  Slime poop?  Why is there even a game dedicated to collecting slime poop?  Actually, I don’t know why I’m even questioning it.  It sounds awesome.”

“Not enough clearly. I definitely lacked though dad jokes in my childhood. Aw, little Percys sound so cute though. What if I made little Annabeths? Is that acceptable? I mean, she’s more tolerable than me. It’s not a kink shame, it’s just an unrealistic fantasy of yours. If she wants to call me daddy, I’ll only refer to her as Cream Puff, or Sugar Lips or whatever one makes her cringe more. It’s super weird, right? I don’t get why this is a trending thing. That’s fine. They’re supposed to hate them. Can you also be nice and not make Mr.D want to put a bounty on my head? I’d really like that.”

“That just means you’ll probably do double duty to make up for it and that’s going to be so annoying.  She is, and that would be slightly more acceptable but they’re still be a little bit of you in them, so no.  Even mini Annabeths are forbidden.  Believe me, it’s not some weird fantasy of mine.  Somehow, I still feel like her calling you daddy is creepier, but if you make her cringe for it, that seems acceptable.  It’s so weird.  I don’t know why it is either.  Like, you’re not meant to sexualize your father figure?  That’s creepy.  But that would’ve been like an extra present.  You could’ve found ways to evade him, like a game.”

“The world needs more dad jokes, Rachel. Who is this they too? Like scientists? I would actually prefer any other word but procreate. Well then, I can’t wait to reach that amazing level. Oh yeah, because Annabeth would totally call me that. And I’d shun her for months if she did. I didn’t think anyone but the direct kids of that father ever hated them to be honest. I don’t really care what it is, I’m not a picky guy, I’ll go for anything and I’ll be happy with it. You’ll just make sure they’re not gross because you love me so much. As long as you didn’t go dipping into Mr.D’s personal stash and leaving a note saying that I was there, I’m okay with it.”

“I feel like there are plenty in the world already.  Scientists, probably literary scholars, mathematicians, all those uppity people in the world that my dad rubs shoulders with.  Fine.  Then please don’t make little Percys, because I don’t think anyone could handle you if you reached that level.  Hey, don’t kink shame your girlfriend.  That’s not nice.  If she wants to weirdly call you dad, then she should have that right.  Although... actually, I’d probably kink shame her too, because it’s a really weird thing to say.  Then, your direct kids are going to hate yours.  It’s the laws of science, and it’s pretty much right along with what you said, so you’re agreeing that your kids are going to hate your jokes too.  I’ll just get you candy because I’m nice and it’s your birthday.  ...I can neither confirm or deny that this might be in the plans to get you said sweets.”

“All the more reason too. Also, how gross of a word is procreate? I’m pretty sure I already tell bad jokes the only thing missing is the whole ‘dad’ part, even though I’m sure I’ve been called dad once. They’ll love my dad jokes. Fine, get me some sour patch kids then. Or licorice. Red of course. That’d be much appreciated, just try to keep them off the floor, out of Rose’s hands, or anything else that might give me some awful disease.”

“The last thing the world needs is more dad jokes.  Oh for sure, it sounds really gross and I don’t know why they chose it.  But I feel like most dads get like a new level of bad when they start telling jokes.  Wow, okay, I don’t need to know the weird things Annabeth calls you.  Does anyone ever love dad jokes?  So, I’m going to go with... no, they won’t.  See?  Those choices are so much more respectable in the candy realm.  I can probably swing the sour patch kids easier than licorice.  Hey, I said they I would be scrounging, so I cannot confirm or deny anywhere that these gummy bears might have been.  I’ll just tell you that they’re all perfectly clean and not where I got them, so you won’t know any better.”

“You’ll just have to stick around to hear my kids complain about it then. I don’t care what form of candy it is, but gummy bears are the first thing that popped up. I haven’t had them in a while. Well Rachel, you should get some.”

“Oh gods, please don’t procreate.  I can already see you telling bad dad jokes all the time.  And then I’d have to kidnap your kids to save them from that, and really, it’d just be a nightmare.  You need better candies to pop into your mind first.  But fine.  I will try to find a way to scrounge up nineteen gummy bears.”

“Well they say people get lamer with age, so are you really surprised? I said I appreciated it, I just don’t want it. Maybe you could like give me nineteen gummy bears or something.”

“If you’re this lame at nineteen, I’d hate to see how lame you are in another ten years.  Gummy bears?  That’s the default you went to?  Well, I hate to break it to you, but I don’t have nineteen gummy bears on me.  So, I’m afraid you’re not going to get any of those from me.”

“As much as I appreciate your ever so thoughtful gift, I really don’t want 19 punches to the arm, or anywhere else.”

“Way to take all the fun out of your gift, Percy.  I thought long and hard about what I was going to do for you, and this is the thanks I get?”