doormat that says "burglars dni". is that anything.

one time at a funeral i panicked and said the first drink i could think of and the bartender made me the pina colada With all the fixings all the trims all the bells and whistles i didnt even ask imagine youre at a funeral and the person besides you is drinking a pina colada with whip cream as tall as the drink with a cherry and an umbrella, thats what happened to me

can i be honest tho i kinda hate makeup bc i love licking my lips and rubbing my hands on my face like a cat or a fly annd i also love wiping my eyes like a sleepy infant all the time so basically i cant do it

A truthberry might make you tell the truth... But a lieberry? A lieberry will loan you books

we ask that the defense not say "me when i lie" while the witness testifies

freeze frame. yeah, thats me. you might be wondering if thats me. yeah its me. ok thanks. unfreezes frame

someone just literally interrupted me mid conversation to tell me “what wonderful big dark eyes i’ve got” and on the one hand extremely flattering that she couldn’t even wait until the end of my sentence to comment on this, on the other hand did she have to say it like im the big bad wolf

it's good that the word "four" is "four" letters long

animal control to major tom

animal control to major tom

grab the cage and find out where that wombat's gone