Well, that happened...

HEATED RIVALRY - NO I WON’T BE CHILL ABOUT THE GAY HOCKEY PLAYERS SHOW:

Captain vs. Captain by deliciousblizzardshark, ilya/shane & hayden/jackie & j.j. & rose & cast, NSFW, 64.8k     Following the internet success of Shane and Ilya's presentation at the NHL Awards, ESPN decided to contract with them to do a whole series. It goes far better than anyone could have dreamed.

Of all the Ships that Sail the Sea by forestgreen, ilya/shane & svetlana & cliff & bears, nsfw, 38.9k wip     "Holy shit!" Vic gasps, gaping at Ilya. "Holy shit," he repeats more slowly as realization dawns on him. "Shane Fucking Hollander is your Montreal girl?" OR: Ilya's teammates go with him to visit Hollander at the hospital and a high-on-painkillers Shane can't keep his mouth shut. Ilya learns that when it comes down to it, ice is thicker than blood.

(i can't get no) satisfaction by UglyGreenJacket, ilya/shane, nsfw, 5.6k     @/NHLInsider It’s been a rough week for Ilya Rozanov after a storybook start to the season. After suffering bruised ribs during Ottawa’s game against Montreal on Thursday, now one of his former flames has come forward claiming he was a less-than-stellar partner. TikTok user @/bostonbethany posted a video on Saturday detailing her encounter with Rozanov back in 2017. She says he didn’t pay for her drinks, was constantly checking his phone, could barely make conversation after leading her to believe he was interested in a relationship, failed to satisfy her in the bedroom after trying for nearly an hour, and never called her again. This comes as Rozanov is out for at least two weeks with his injury, while the Centaurs, including his husband Shane Hollander, head to Berlin for two games against Detroit as part of the NHL’s Global Series. We’ll let you know if we hear anything back from Rozanov’s camp.

he looks so cute wrapped round my finger by justhockey, ilya/shane & centaurs, 2.9k     “We’re just, well-“ Choui hedges, then glances round as if he’s looking for back up. “We’re worried that you’re a bit too controlling,” Hayes blurts out. “Of Rozanov.” Shane opens his mouth to respond, but he closes it again when he realises he has no fucking idea what to say. He’s - what?

Dinner Tonight? by FriPie, ilya/shane & hayden & rose, NSFW, 15.1k     There was nothing standard about Shane and Ilya's relationship, so it really shouldn't have been so surprising that they had their first date over a decade after meeting each other. It also shouldn't be surprising that it took roughly five minutes before it turned into a competition.

if by then you still remember by Ehlihr (ehlihr), ilya/shane & cast, 11.4k     Months after Shane experienced his own horrible 81 Tuesdays, Ilya is stuck repeating the worst day of his life: watching Scott Hunter win the cup for the Admirals.

one day i'll watch as you're leaving (and life will lose all its meaning) by hollidayparty, ilya/shane & david/yuna & hayden/jackie & svetlana & galina, NSFW, suicidal ideation/themes, 61.7k     What if Shane and Ilya don't make up so easily after the Boxing Day fight? The Centaur's plane never malfunctions, so Shane never proposes. Instead, Ilya gives him an ultimatum on coming out and going public. It backfires spectacularly.

Is this thing on? by ARustySpork, ilya/shane & svetlana & cast, 12.6k     “They need to return to a conference based system,” Svetlana said, slamming her hand against the table. “It was fucking fine the way it was, why are we handing out participation trophies to shitty divisions?” Ilya raised his eyebrows from where he hovered in the kitchen, cracking open another Red Bull. “This is fun,” he said, deadpanned. “You guys should start a podcast or something. I would not listen, you are both terribly boring.”

#janegate by deadmemewalking, ilya/shane, NSFW, 10.5k     zuko nation @/yaoionice tell me why the rozanov leaks have me sobbing into my pillow … god i see what you have done for others

Definitely, Probably by josie_ides (josephides), ilya/shane & hayden & j.j., nsfw, 11.1k     “Bella broke up with JJ.” Shane stopped dead. He swore the temperature in the kitchen dropped two degrees. “What? Noooooooo.” The neck of his T-shirt was suddenly too tight. He curled a finger in the elastic and pulled. Air. He needed air. Hayden’s voice was lowered to a frightened whisper, “We’re Code Red, buddy. Code fucking Red.”

God's Least Favorite Bisexual by kenopsia (indie), ilya/shane, nsfw, 5.3k     If Ilya had struggled this much to get off in his own body, he would have gone to the hospital. Well. He wouldn't have, actually, but he would have let himself have an insanely high budget to find a discreet professional to come to his home and consult about his dick. Point is, he would have considered it an emergency of the upmost importance and possibly a harbinger of his death. It was humiliating to type: Been touching my dick for one hundred years… nothing is happening. Before he hit send, he thought of Shane's shrill voice climbing to yell at him and deleted the message. He wrote instead: I have question. Private.

Is this about the cookies? by Goodkwuestion, ilya/shane & david/yuna, 6.3k     Ilya is upset, and Shane has no idea what is happening or what to do. He turns to the one man he knows can empathise.

the lily list by flairlies, ilya/shane & hayden/jackie, 7.6k     Jackie Pike wants to know everything she possibly can about Shane Hollander's mysterious girlfriend in Boston, so she starts documenting every piece of information she learns about "Lily". The list gets long, confusing, and eventually, Jackie figures a few things out...

cheater-cheater, pumpkin eater by anyabarnes, ilya/shane & hayden, 13.2k     The evidence is mounting. It’s getting very difficult to ignore: first that sweatshirt, then the definitely-not-a-dick-pic in the locker room, and now the phone call. It’s a shame really; Lily’s such a sweet girl. She makes Shane so happy. And Shane? Hayden’s almost positive Shane is cheating on Boston Lily with Ilya Rozanov.

Shane Hollander Hates Troy Barrett by rideswraptors, ilya/shane & troy, 6.5k     "Hollander." He nodded back. "Barrett." "So can we talk about why you don't like me?" Troy snapped. Then winced. Jesus, he sounded like a whiny bitch. But it startled Shane enough to get his full attention and a bewildered expression. "What?"

baby, you're not the only one by throughadoor, ilya/shane & troy/harris & rose & scott & cast, 5.5k     After they came out, Shane was ready for people to be weird. It was weird with other guys in the league, weird with reporters, weird with angry fans who thought his relationship had tanked their fantasy teams and their sports betting parlays, weird with sponsors and their very enthusiastic pride campaign pitches, weird on all the social media that he avoided like the plague. What he hadn't expected was for things to be so fucking weird with other gay people.

glimpses of adoration by diazette, ilya/shane & hayden/jackie, 6.8k     hayden finds himself at ilya rozanov's for the night with shane, sans ilya. with every physical memento around the house and every trace of shane in the corners, it's abundantly clear that his best friend is disgustingly and all-consumingly loved by his boyfriend. hayden finally understands too just why shane loves him right back.

of a certain age by gurlsrool, ilya/shane & bears, 7.5k     “Wait, I could totally see that,” Connors says. “She wears reading glasses and he’s, like, obsessed with them. Sometimes on the road, he calls her from the bathroom and I hear him begging her to put them on.” “The glasses! I heard that too.” Shit, it must be a fetish, right? She doesn’t just happen to be old. Rozy likes that she’s old. Or: Cliff figures out why Ilya’s keeping his Montreal girl a secret. She’s not a girl at all...she's an elderly woman. Or maybe an elderly man?

MORE RECS UNDER THE CUT because my screaming about the fic in this fandom will be somewhat contained.

But maybe, when Ilya goes back the first time after they are outed, the atmosphere shifts a bit and the fans are like “we get it now”.

One of the best defensemen at McGill. Absolutely a beast on the ice. Very much of the old school style of hockey and we could even throw some absolute knockers of foul language and aggression. Imagine Shoresy back in the 80s. What an absolute pest he would have been. Shoresy is essentially what I imagine David Hollander to have been like in his college years at McGill.

And one day, they’re playing a final round match. The pressure is on to succeed. Someone managed to land a punch on him which knocks his canine and a bottom tooth out. His mouth is full of blood.

He’s pressed against the plexiglass. Yet when he opens his eyes, there’s a beautiful but fiercely shouting Japanese girl in a McGill sweatshirt shouting at him to get the guy in the first row. Knock his ass out. He clenches and fist. And roundhouse punches the guy out. The ref pulls him away and he’s in the sin bin for 5 minutes. Damn bullshit. However it gives him an absolutely amazing view of her straight on shouting at the referee. He’s never seen a gal more passionate about hockey.

5 minutes later, he’s back out on the ice. He heads toward her. Completely ignoring the game.

“What’s your name?” He shouts as everyone is shouting at him to get back in the game.

“What?!” She shouts back.

“What’s your name?!” He shouts again.

“Yuna! And get your ass back out there Hollander!”

“Yuna?! That’s a pretty name! If I score one tonight, will you go out with me?” He hopes she will.

“If you win the championship, I’ll marry you!” She shouts, urging him to get back to the game.

“I’m going to hold you to it!” He grins, mouth bloody and missing teeth.

He skates back into the game smoothly and tosses an assist to their center. He glides across the rink, focused, like never before.

He plays the best game of his life right on that rink.

As his teammates cheer and celebrate, he skates back to where she’s sitting with her girlfriends. They’re all excitedly screaming and jumping.

“Hey” he waves.

She comes up to the plexiglass, closer. God she’s pretty.

“Hey Hollander. You played a great game even though your backup line was terrible. Can they even spell puck?”

“We’re hockey players. Some us were simply born in the ice rink.”

“Uh huh.” She raises a suspicious brow.

“So you did say if we won the championship you’d marry me. We got three games till our wedding I suppose.”

“You know I was just joking.”

“I wasn’t. I’d treat you so well if you let me.”

“Steady on Hollander. I think your concussion is affecting your brain.”

“What can I do in the face of true love but want to see where it goes. You ever look at someone so incredibly beautiful that you just want to strip naked and skate across the ice?”

She laughes. Thats an incredible sound.

“I'd French kiss a toaster if it meant i could wake up next to you every morning.”

“Hold on lover boy. You barely got my name and you don’t even know my last name.”

“Well I know Yuna is probably my favorite name in the world as of 15 minutes ago and whatever your last name is, I’d change mine to yours. I’d be so good to you I’d swear. I’d lick a puck if it meant I could walk you to your dorm.”

Yuna’s friends snicker behind her.

“Sure Hollander. You can walk me to my dorm.”

He excitedly shouts in excitement, skating in loops around the ice.

And that was the story how the McGill University Hockey Team won that year’s championship trophy and how David Hollander met the love of his life.

Anyways Ilya is like boys please my intended will be there keep it classy we will drink we will party I will go back to the rental when I say so you will not dare me to do more shots and there will be NO strip clubs and everyone nods and says sure Roz. They decide hiring a very well reviewed pole dancing professional who happens to dress very sparingly to come to the house they rented is very classy.

The lady shows up (they considered trying to find a guy stripper but in the end they’re hockey bros who chickened out, and besides it’s ilya is obsessed with his fiancée he won’t actually care that much plus it’s tradition etc etc they chickened out) and Ilya calls a team huddle in the other room to quietly chew the responsible party out. He’s like you guys are embarrassing me in front of the love of my life bc secretly he’s a bit worried this will throw Shane’s insecurities about the possibility of Ilya having a “normal” life in his face. Also Shane isn’t a prude but he’s worried Shane’s going to spiral over being in a situation so against his image with witnesses!!!

Then they come back, probably to tell the poor lady she can pack up and go and they’ll still pay her for the night. Only Shane is like, casually chatting while she puts her pole setup together. She’s a little confused bc most people like to ignore her or are already drunk and rowdy during this part but Shane is full “dad talking about a DIY project” stance and asking about how she decides where is stable enough for the pole talking about wall studs in new builds and all that shit. And actually compared to most bachelors where everyone is half wasted she’s actually enjoying talking about her work on a technical level.

Not to mention they start talking logistics of pole dancing and Shane lights up when he realizes how athletic it can get, asking what kind of workouts or practice schedule she does. They compare best post-performance bruise stories and Shane recommends a stretch routine that works for him after a game that was really hard on his knees. The rest of the group is standing there like 🧍‍♂️until they get roped into the conversation and instead of doing a whole performance the lady ends up showing them moves/tricks on request and explaining how she does them. She even shows a few she’s been working on but hasn’t gotten down quiet yet just for fun.

Everyone has had a few drinks at this point and she tells them it’s actually great exercise maybe they should cross train lol and Shane-who cannot resist exercise-is like I bet it’s great core work do you think that one move uses the same muscles as… long story short he’s up there locked in as hell nodding along to her every word learning pole dancing basics. Ilya is obviously burning with lust. He apologizes for getting mad at the guys. He maybe hasn’t blinked in 15 minutes. He wishes no one else was here right now but he’s afraid if he moves it’ll spook Shane.

Everyone is just chilling, having fun, some of the other dudes get curious and take turns learning a move or two

Ilya Rozanov who just woke up:

at first, ilya puts up with it bc he’s big and strong and he’s not gonna be kicked out of his own marital bed goddamn it. plus once he makes the connection between the stress and the kicking he just takes it upon himself to get shane really, really relaxed before he goes to sleep and it pretty much solves the problem.

but ONE NIGHT they have an early flight in the morning, shane is stressed about them not making it in time and he refuses any advances made by ilya to try and relax him, ilya doesn’t want to tell him about the kicking bc that will just stress shane out even more so, when it becomes too much, he does the unthinkable and moves to the spare bedroom. he sets an alarm that’s a little earlier than shane’s so that he can sneak back in before shane wakes up, but it’s not enough.

two hours before they’re supposed to be awake, ilya is woken up by a dark figure standing over his bed, looking down at him creepily. he jumps out of his skin before he realizes that it’s shane, but that doesn’t make it much better, because shane looks MURDEROUS and also kind of like he wants to cry and ilya folds, opening his arms for shane to fall into and holds him for the rest of the night. kicking and all.

Cliff buys Ilya's house off him when Ilya moves to Ottawa -- mostly furnished, because Cliff needs pretty much everything (bad breakup, she kicked him out and somehow got his condo out of it) and what is money to Ilya Fucking Rozanov? As he settles in, Cliff starts to notice little...curiosities. The smart TV is still logged into Roz's YouTube account and the guy watches a LOT of Shane Hollander highlight compilations? And interviews? And shirtless ads? But whatever maybe it's chirping material. But also there's a ton of ginger ale in the fridge and Cliff has literally never seen Roz -- or, like, anyone -- drink the stuff. Well, he's heard Hollander does. He keeps finding more and more random but extremely telling clues like a fucking Hollanov scavenger hunt and by the time Ilya and Shane get outed, Cliff isn't even surprised, he's just glad his best friend isn't a stalker.

He's finally getting to be with his husband, the man he's loved for over a decade, and he, by all means, does not care about the bullshit he says cause as long as it's not getting Ilya in any kind of trouble, Ilya's chirps, while incredibly fucking stupid most of the time, are funny, and always only as offensive as the person deserves them to be. He knows Ilya would never mention anything about their private lives, cause really their time together is as sacred to him as it is to Shane. He has literally no reason to worry about anything.