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This is very stupid but it’s genuinely what I think about every time I consider skipping dinner after work

ilya:

(obviously this canon divergence would have dire consequences for Ilya, but I'm more interested in the 'driving Shane insane with apoplectic levels of jealousy' angle.)

I have been rotating this for a full 24 hours uhgggg

Okay so. I want to say that, if Ilya got outed, his own jealousy would not immediately be at the forefront of Shane's mind. It would be the pungeant Doritos nacho seasoning on top of the greater spiral that he would immediately enter into. The name of the initial spiral would be "I Have To Save Ilya" and it would, underneath the panic, be wish fulfillment of the highest order. Shane has always enjoyed fantasizing about saving Ilya. He loves to daydream about the rink catching fire and everyone gets out safely except WAIT where is Ilya Rozanov?? And it's Shane who has to run back into a burning building and use his Superior Knowledge of Ilya to find him and he's trapped under a beam or something (Shane read that article about the mom lifting the car off her kid like six times) and Shane pulls him out and then they limp triumphantly out of the rink together and everyone cheers and now Ilya has a reason to look at him like he personally put the moon and stars in the sky. In public even! Wow!

So Shane would immediately go into crisis management mode. If Ilya was outed, I truly believe that it would trigger a chain of events wherein Yuna Hollander woke up one morning to the news that Ilya Rozanov had been caught going down on some rockin' twink (I do think it needs to be Ilya both for the Shane Jealousy Potential and also because someone with short hair giving Ilya Rozanov head would come with almost too much plausible deniability versus the inalienable truth of Dick In Mouth) (An additional aside to this is that Ilya almost NEVER gives Shane head on his knees and it drives Shane crazy that he did that. He doesn't even want Ilya to do that TO HIM Shane loves their dynamic he's just like. Why?? Why did he do that?? The answer is molly) and by the end of the day Yuna's own son has come out to her and in the same breath told her that he needs her help to safe Ilya Rozanov. Because um. Solidarity.

So then it turns into a Whole Thing where the Hollanders are working behind the scenes welding NDAs like grenades to make sure that Ilya Rozanov does not get disappeared to Russia, never to be seen again. The NHL, of course, cannot weasel out of Ilya's contract (Even if they could, the people of Boston would riot--that's their homo and he won them the Cup) so he's protected by his employment status to an extent but the fact that Ilya Rozanov needs to Defect From Russia becomes immediately and poignantly apparent. So there are lots of closed-door meetings with NHL lawyers and immigration lawyers and the U.S. State Department and fucking?? Yuna Hollander?? And probably Farah since Ilya's agent is Russian and blocked his number.

And you know we're just spitballing here so I genuinely don't know what happens but I do know that at some point Shane and Ilya are standing alone in a hotel room in Los Angeles (I imagine this whole thing is taking place over the summer. I also imagine that they're in LA because Ilya is making a Tour of Bisexual Self-Flagellation where he makes various media appearances to drum up the sympathy of the American people and on this day Ilya has appeared on Ellen (Before she was evil) and he actually had a great time meeting Ellen (she wasn't evil yet) and Yuna Hollander was backstage like Dear God These People Are Not Treated Well (Ellen has been evil the whole time)) and in this Los Angeles hotel room Shane is coming down off of mild hear stroke because it is one million degrees in Los Angeles and he runs hot and he's laying on the bed in the cool and dark and just says from underneath his own arm, "I cannot fucking believe you did this."

Which triggers the anticipated argument. Oh sorry Hollander I know everything is always about you/shut the fuck up asshole you know that's not what I mean/okay so what do you/it was FUCKING IRRESPONSIBLE Rozanov/YOU DON'T THINK I--

Then there's a moment of angry silence and Shane scoffs and says, "And all of this for some fucking--slut--"

And Ilya grabs his jaw and says, "Oh, that's what this is about. Jealous Hollander."

"Shut the fuck up."

"So what, you think you're the only man I should fuck?"

"Maybe!" Shane yells. "I'm the only one who knows how to be fucking careful! Clearly, I'm the only one who cares! The only one who can keep you safe--"

And then Ilya gets on the bed and bullies his way between Shane's legs and says, "You just want me all to yourself. You are jealous," but his eyes are wild because it's been twelve years since anyone cared about keeping him safe. About keeping him.

And Shane says, "You know I am. Fuck, you make me so fucking jealous I can't even--"

but fails to consider that ice is. so slippery.

To be fair, it was absolutely all of that.

It was also somehow so much more than all of that? So much better than it had any right to be with a premise that cutely, shamelessly silly? So much more painfully, poignantly honest in the way it chose to deal with death than I ever expected? And still also a delightfully fun and silly romp about sheep trying to solve a murder (and succeeding!) based on your average murder mystery genre tropes?

sebastian shows love by making his friends confront uncomfortable truths and forces them to keep their memories of george. all the while claiming that he’s separate from the flock, not acting as a source of comfort at all. yet, every so often, this facade is chipped at and he reveals he’s much kinder and willing to give grace than first appears. then the scene with the dogs forces him to drop his pretences and admit to his attachment to lily and mopple (“why did you come back?” “you’re my flock.”)